Pursuing My Husband's First Love
Something's Wrong With My Heart

"Do you want me to find him, Sa?"

Mas Arifin's question loomed in my head. What the fuck? I must speak with Mas Musa, so as not to get too close to his old friend. Mas Musa's brain may have been asked to do the same.

Though I believed in my heart, Moses could not do it. Still I was afraid that Moses was carried away by the circle of friendship. I won't be able to share anymore, I won't be able to accept another woman anymore. To me, accepting the much-loved Mba Mariam Mas Musa was already much heavier than accepting the 100 women who had no past relationship with Mas Musa.

Without feeling my tears fall, I cry as much as I can with a very sad feeling. Many times I tried to comfort the heart but somehow a great urge from the body of my heart to let out a cry like the sadness of a child who lost his doll.

I sent a message through my green app to Mba Mariam. At least Mba Mariam must also know that someone is trying to infiltrate another woman in the heart of Mas Musa.

[Assalamualaikum, Mba Mariam, for the sake of Allah I do not want to if until Mas Musa married again]

After that I threw my phone back in the middle of the bed after sending it. I let go of the sound of crying that I could no longer hold in my pillow so that Mas Musa and his companions would not hear it.

I am very disappointed with the arrival of Mas Musa's friend, he should not have to meet Mas Musa if it only had such a bad influence on Mas Musa. Our house is still contracted, what if Mas Musa thought to marry again?

'Astaghfirullohaladzim'

I tried to calm my heart from all the bad prejudices, I said Istighfar many times but it felt like my heart was very disappointed.

'What about the heart, Rif?'

The question returned from Moses. Why did Moses ask?

Did Moses really have trouble dividing his heart fairly?

Arifin said, he can share affection fairly but not with love. What is the difference between affection and love from the glasses of men?

What about Moses himself? Is it true that he can only share his affection equally? But not with his love? Who is loved more by Moses? Me or Mba Mariam?

I came back crying with all sorts of questions and prejudices swirling wildly in my brain. No need to ask anymore, surely Mas Musa loves Mba Mariam more and only gives his affection to me.

'Astaghfirullohaladzim .. astaghfirullohaladzim .. astaghfirullohaladzim ... !'

Suddenly the sound of my door opening, I did not see my face completely submerged in the pillow. The sound of Mas Musa's footsteps was heard approaching me who was crying on the bed. I immediately stopped crying and tried to catch my breath.

"Dec, what's wrong with you?" Mas Musa's hand rubbed gently on my back, his tone sounding worried.

"Dec? What's up?" asked Mas Musa again, I finally held my head up and faced Mas Musa with my face.

"Has Arifin gone home?" my many.

"Not Deck, Mas Arifin is praying. You crying Deck? Wh why? What's up?"

"Medina does not like Mas Musa for the same duration as Mas Arifin," I said bluntly.

"You why? Jealous of men?" ask Moses.

"Will Moses marry again?" I asked Mas Musa directly without waiting any longer, Mas Musa looked very surprised by my question.

"Medina won't, Mom! Medina won't!" reject me while crying.

"Who said, Dek? I will not marry again."

"So Medina denger own Mas Arifin nawarin himself to nyariin candidate for Mas Musa, enough Mba Mariam aja Mas, Medina please!" Just this time I rejected the things that might make Mas Musa happy honestly.

Moses just laughed and hugged me. I don't know why I hate him. I cried with a very sad feeling when Mas Musa's embrace touched me. Not comfortable as usual.

"It was just kidding, Dek! Arifin did not know that mas already have you and Mariam. I'm not getting married again, how can you think like that?" talk about Moses.

"really?" tanju.

"Of course, look at how you cry like this just because you hear an incomplete conversation. Deck no more, no more crying, yes!" Moses gently wiped the tears on my face while continuing to smile and laugh.

"You're too su'udzhon Deck, look, you're soaking your pillows so wet" continued Mas Musa.

Right, I didn't even hear a single sentence from Mas Musa that he would remarry, how could I be this sad? How did my prasangkaku get that far?

"Mas, one more question, Medina please answer honestly."

"What is that, Deck?"

"Who do you love? Me or Mba Mariam? Is it true that a man cannot truly share his love fairly?" I asked that question with just one breath.

"Jawab, Mommy." I beg.

"What answer, Dek?"

"To be honest."

"Hem ...." Moses took a deep breath, and it seemed that Moses was very careful to answer my question.As Moses was right, I should not have asked him something obvious and certainly what the answer was. I just hurt myself.

"Dek, right. For us men cannot share that love in equal parts." As my body went limp from the mouth of Mas Musa, I could only look down, unable to look at the face of Mas Musa again, I was disappointed.

"Love cannot be measured by its portion, for you and Mariam have space in life and your heart is extraordinary. Your love is different, unequal and indistinguishable, you complement each other, perfect each other. Nothing is bigger and nothing is smaller, you are special with the magic of your respective destinies. Mas can not explain how exactly the form of your love, you can not be separated and not together, you walk together on both sides of me." Moses explained it in a soft and gentle voice.

"Medina does not understand Mas," I said plainly, disappointed to make me lazy to digest the words of Mas Musa.

"Yes, take a break, Dek. It seems you think too much, hem .. mas out first yes, no good there is still Mas Arifin, later we talk again. Calm yourself, Deck."

Before leaving, Mas Musa took the time to kiss my forehead and rub the top of my head. I quieted it down and after the sound of the door being closed I laid my body on the bed again.

I breathed violently, I took off the hijab that was still attached and threw it away. Something is wrong with my heart.

My mind went back to looking far away and recollected Mba Mariam's words.

'Go, Din!'

'You want Mizan to love you, don't you? Then, go!'

Is Mba Mariam really saying? I really want to go now, without engineering and without making up. Do I really have to make room for myself for a moment? It seems that I need to buy myself from Mas Musa, not buy Mas Musa from me as Mba Mariam advised.

🍀🍀🍀

Today I serve the needs of Mas Musa before leaving for work as usual, after yesterday's incident I prefer to be quiet. When Mas Musa spoke I refused him on the grounds of tired and sleepy. Finally, I can be as cute as Mba Mariam, maybe it's true I was too pussy all along.

My decision was made, to buy myself out of Mas Musa for a moment. I don't know, what made me finally feel really tired and disappointed. Can I be selfish? Once I followed my heart without thinking about other people's feelings.

After Mas Musa left, I immediately cleaned up the house. I cleaned everything from front to back until it was neat and clean. After that I cleaned myself with a shower.

"I'm sorry Mas, I had to break the prohibition of God by going without asking you for permission, just once let Medina protect Medina's own heart."

I put some of my clothes and everything I needed in my suitcase. I don't know which demon possessed me until I dared to do all this. I cried while inserting a small frame of my sweet wedding photo with Mas Musa that was displayed on a small nightstand at the end of the room. I usually look at the photo when I finish praying while continuing to pray for our happiness. I deliberately put it there so that Mas Musa would remember me in every prayer, not just Mba Mariam.

When I'm done making sure all the houses are locked, Mas Musa has a spare key so I don't have to bother leaving the key for him. After all, today has entered the ration of time for Mba Mariam, Mas Musa will return there later tonight.

I deliberately called a taxi online so as not to trigger questions from neighbors. I asked him to take me to the terminal.

For a moment I thought, where am I going? There's no way I'm going home. My parents must be sad because her son came home without her husband, I don't want noise, I just want to find peace.

Just thought about going back and forgetting about this ridiculous act of mine.

The car was about to get into the terminal when an idea crossed my mind.

"Sorry sir, no, we're going back to the station."

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