Pursuing My Husband's First Love
Fill Mariam's Heart

"Already! Let Medina herself ask her husband to divorce me!" I said because I couldn't stand them anymore.

"Mba, Istighfar Mba!" medina said pleading, her eyes looking terrified, should I be clear to her again?

"First of all you insulted and belittled my marriage to Mas Bian by delving into my old story with your husband, both of you doubted your own marriage, thirdly you forced this marriage because your hallucinations were too high on your husband's past, and it looks like you are also the one who will end the marriage you previously forced!"

"I think you're educated, but you consider every marriage to be nothing more than something you can play with as you please" I concluded sharply.

Medina used both of her hands to cover her ears, yet I was sure all of my words had made it in. I hope he comes to his senses and stops dramatizing what he himself created. How long will he continue to tell the world that he is suffering the most? In fact, I'm the one he's been dzolimi with.

"Enough, you've hurt my son!" bent mom Medina.

"Better you go, free to explain at length, let time tell you the blind love of Medina to her husband."

"Come on Mba, Mom, we better get home!" invite the young girl who had just been quiet.

"Mel, you're going with Mom first well, you still have to talk to Mba Mariam" replied Medina who still seemed to want to argue with me.

I don't care about them anymore, I try to control my feelings. My heart almost exploded because of the pain that kept in matches. Each closed his eyes which always imagined the last moments before Mas Bian left. When he first met Mizan, when he finally asked me to talk to Mizan, until he said goodbye to work for the last time.

If I had known, that was the end of his life I would have tried harder to avoid Medina and Mizan. I regret having recalled the feelings I had buried long ago just because of Medina's request. Until the moment Mas Bian lay without a heartbeat, my world seemed to stop, collapse, and crumble. Pain that no one can understand.

"Mba .. I'm sorry, I will give my family another understanding. However, I had no intention of doing what Mba Mariam thought," Medina said after her mother and sister left.

"When did you act like an angel? You act like you're a victim when you're the cause of all this!"

"Mba, make peace with the situation, maybe forever I'll look guilty, but maybe not."

"I have to how do you stop interfering with my life? Now that you bring your family to interfere in my household, even if you are Mizan's first wife you have absolutely no right to interfere with my household with your husband! We have different roofs, we have different stories, we have different business! Stop acting like you understand everything the most!"

Sadness completely took over my head, this leg was like it was losing its power. I just drowned, as my cries exploded like crazy. Right, whenever anyone advises me to make peace with the situation, I feel like I have been considered insane by them.

I felt Medina sitting on the floor and hugging me, the person I blame the most for the bitterness of my life. If he had not disturbed my life, the last days with Mas Bian would have always been pure without being corrupted by the stories I had thrown away.

If he hadn't come. If he hadn't bothered. Suppose that. And if.

"I'm sorry Mba, I'm sorry ..," whined Medina.

I could no longer care, his sympathy still felt like insults. It's all gone, but my wounds remain untreatable. I am no longer a widow, but I still miss my husband who has gone. Husband that I may no longer be able to see even in the afterlife. Because according to Islam, my imam in the afterlife is Mizan.

"I miss you, Mas .. I suffer because of this feeling, I want to meet you .. want to hug you .. only you can calm my soul, Mas Biaaaan ...," I said in an unstoppable cry.

"Let go Mba, let go of all the burdens in your heart" Medina said as she stroked my back.

I hate to look weak in front of this woman, but I'm not in a position to choose. My heart was tight as others continued to judge me for the marriage I actually hated. I have to how to tell them, if I don't want this either.

Sure enough, Medina continued to look at me with pity. A girl who came with him looked at me. Sadly, my life has turned dark since the passing of Mas Bian. Everything that was perfectly built just fell.

"Istighfar Mba Mariam ... Astaghfirullohaladzim ...."

Medina keeps trying to calm me down, I don't hate her, I hate what she's done to me. Not the slightest bit did I become calm in his Istighfaran guidance, being nearby only made my regret even greater to Mas Bian.

I tried to get back on my feet and make Medina nod and take off her arms from me. Remove the tears, and must stand firm again. Medina's tears didn't touch my heart at all, I took it as an insult.

I just realized, not only the young girl who was here, the figure of the mother who had been saying goodbye was actually also watching us near the door. His eyes were clearly staring at his son with awe. Suddenly, his body collapsed making the door beside him sound loud.

"Mother ...," cried Medina and her sister together. I too was about to run towards him but I recounted, after all she was just a mother.

I got a little out of the way when Medina and her sister slid her mother's limp onto the sofa. I could only sit and watch her two children worried.

"Yes" I replied briefly.

Medina rushed to the kitchen and made a drink for her mother, she even understood the ins and outs of this house. I kept quiet and noticed a mother who was in shock because of the circumstances. Not long after, Medina came and fed him some warm tea.

Next he cried violently while hugging Medina, I don't know what is now on his mind. Does she blame me for her daughter's husband's split?

"Son Mariam, I'm sorry" she said to me with a still sobbing breath, I was surprised to hear that, as soon as she changed her gaze.

"From my deepest heart, son, forgive the mother who misjudged and took a stand" he continued with trembling lips.

"Yes, I'm also sorry for having to tell you the truth."

Medina's mother forced her to stand up and hugged me, she came back crying on my shoulder. It took a few seconds to take a stance, until finally my hand moved to hug her back.

"Son Mariam, as a parent, please stop blaming my child. I understand Nak Mariam's suffering, I appreciate Nak Mariam's feelings, but I also know my son's intention of asking Nak Mariam to be honey to him is for good, he only intends to help Nak, so ... forgive mom and daughter mother," he explained long-ended requests.

Her request was stabbing at me, maybe she came with the wrong view and made me angry and sad. But, his heart was so quick to accept the truth, and he was willing to accept his mistake. Now that he apologized for his daughter, should I accept the truth and be heartened to forgive?

"I will try to accept the reality" I replied as I took off his embrace.

"Thank you, ma'am," Medina said with haru, they hugged again.

Tears have spilled in this house, almost every day since the departure of Mas Bian. His passing completely turned my life upside down.

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"Mba Mariam, thank you!" medina came up to me who was cooking in the kitchen.

"I know Mba Mariam's wounds are so great, I know Mba Mariam is very sad and hurt. Therefore, I felt called to share the love that Mba Mariam may have had from Mas Musa, I did not mean anything else, I did not have the heart to see the sadness of Mba Mariam at that time, i-i,"

"Had it been, however I hated and blamed you, it wouldn't make Mas Bian come back to life, you're right I had to be completely at peace with the situation," I said trying to beat my grief.

"Life must go on, everything that happens so suddenly and changes things suddenly too. It must not be easy for you to decide to share your husband with me, and I do not know where he is now I still hope or not, because I am still grieving. But ... Thank you for giving Oktavia a father figure." Those words just came out of my mouth, when I opened my mind, I was tired of blaming others for my sadness.

"I'm happy that the old Mba Mariam is starting to come back" he said.

Right, I've lost myself for a long time. I have to live again. I can't be a zombie.

"Medina, but .. I'm serious. You can have Mizan divorce me if you want, he'll still be Octavia's father but not necessarily my husband."

Medina's eyes glared at me.

"I did love him once, but now I love Mas Bian even more even though he's dead. I don't want him to be yours at all" I said, looking into his eyes.

"I will not let Mas Musa's heart be broken a second time, Ma'am!" reject firmly.

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