Pursuing My Husband's First Love
Lost in Sadness

"At least call me husband or mas" I asked him.

Long she fell silent before finally nodding and saying 'yes' in a very soft voice.

"What kind of play, can Abi come?" I turned to Octavia, trying to be Biantara's surrogate father.

"What's that for?" ask Octavia plain.

"Abi it .. call unfortunately Okta, so call Abi Musa, Okta dear is not the same Abi?"

"Darling dong, but why not Uncle? Rich Uncle Halun?"

"No, because Abi and Mama Mariam are now so dekettes, we will live together until old."

"Okta's coming too?"ask again.

"Of course."

"Oh .. said Eyang Papa already exists with Alloh, so the bitch who guards Okta with Mama is Abi Musa?" I was astonished to hear the words of this little girl, my eyes turned towards Mariam who was watching us, she immediately stood up and went inside her room.

"Yes, Abi will take care of Okta!" my answer.

"Kalo Okta kangen the same Papah, Okta stay beldoa the same Alloh huh, Bi?"

"Yes, Okta'kan sholehah child, if Okta pray a lot for papa later Alloh more dear to papa," I continued.

Octavia was so kind to accept the passing of her papa, she let go of her tears then she smiled and accepted, a child is indeed sinless. Although I'm sure his father's departure leaves a lot of questions in him. In stark contrast to Mariam who was so shaken, her attitude was still far from sincere.

I spent my time getting closer to Octavia, my responsibility is not simple because Okta is a princess, her dignity is on my shoulders, my father. It is undeniable that it is she who Mariam wants to marry me.

I left Okta who was already cool with her favorite cartoon movie. I slowly opened the door to Mariam's room, I was a little worried about her.

"Accoland ...."

Mariam sat on the bed and turned her back to the door, and I could see her hands moving to wipe away her tears.

"Waalaikumsalam," he answered in a stinging voice.

"Mariam, my wife, do you know? I also feel pain every time you shed a tear."

I held myself to sit beside him, I could no longer endure my desire to hold his hand, my feelings were so intense to immediately gain his trust, my heart was sad to see him still slumped and clouded. What do I need to do to open my heart?

Mariam tried to pull her hand, but I held her back so she knew, I had a right.

"I'm your husband Mariam, don't treat me like a disgusting thing until you don't want to be touched."

"What do you want?"

"I ... wouldn't want anything, but let me show you how I feel Mariam, all these years I tried to forget and erase this feeling, forget you," I told her gently, he no longer rebelled when my hand still wanted to hold his.

"You used to say, you were tormented because of feelings that I didn't stop, did you? Now your reason especially? Despite the many twists and turns that we have lived, but I managed to keep my promise a few years ago to justify you. Mariam said, Do you really not love me anymore?" I looked into her eyes, trying to find answers amid the sadness that was running through her.

Mariam was just silent, she was not covering her feelings, she was completely lost in grief. Looks like I should lead Mariam to get up and get out of her depression zone. It was very worrying to see Mariam lose some of her soul.

"I'm sorry, but .. I still love Mas Bian very much" he replied raucously.

"I didn't tell you to stop loving her, Mariam ...." My voice choked, Mariam was confined to the room and I didn't know how to get her out.

All this time I was just crying on the prayer mat, but this time tears had been dripping from my eyes in front of a woman. I was tired of holding back feelings, and when I had the right to express them, all this impasse happened.

I felt Mariam's hand on my shoulder, she patted me softly, while I lowered my head in front of her trying to hide my face under her nose.

"I miss you Mariam, I miss you so much!" I held my body and quickly hugged her, looking at her surprised face, but she no longer tried to resist, I finally burst into tears in her arms.

If he knew, all this time I felt very close to him because his name was always mentioned in prayers throughout my night. Now he is real and has become mine but his heart seems to die I can no longer touch. I was tormented, all the feelings that I managed to get rid of easily he threw.

"I'm crying over my stupid life, if you cry over what, Zan?" I heard him ask with his soft voice, he was still unaware of my feelings. I took her body out of my arms and turned to focus on her eyes.

"I weep for the feelings of someone who has been lost, buried with sadness, I weep for a love lost in darkness, I weep for a story that was forced to end by a misunderstanding, I wept over one prayer but it collided with another. .. What else is Mariam? I cry for you? We?" I tried to make him understand.

"Return Mariamku! I beg!"

His misbehaving attitude seemed to be a bright spot for me, I was still able to pull Mariam out of her grief.

"Go home, Zan! Medina needs you" he said after taking a heavy breath.

"Talk about us Mariam, about how we feel, not a day I've missed without regret having missed you, I'm sure you feel the same, I can ...."

"Already, Zan! We all know how our current condition and situation is, forget about our past and stop being so petty!" sela Mariam's.

"If our marriage is too fast, it is beyond my power, but my heart and soul are entirely within my power. Don't ask or insist, I need time" Mariam continued.

"Say I have to how?" I was desperate.

"I will not give up with your heart" I said diligently.

"I'll do anything to revive the thump you've felt for me all along."

"I'm sorry I had to hurt you, but I can't escape the shadow of Mas Bian, you should have told me, not followed by judging me."

"You can put that wound of your heart on my shoulder, you must be sincere and believe that tomorrow will be more beautiful."

"Trust me Mariam!" my door is hopeful.

"I can't believe."

"Why?"

"I'm .. I'm afraid, I'm always afraid whenever I think about what's going to happen tomorrow, I'm afraid to believe you. It's not that I doubt your promise and seriousness, but that I fear destiny" Mariam said.

"When I thought my hudup was perfect, there was no wish that I had not yet obtained, even I ever wanted to see you again, it was realized, in an instant destiny changed everything, took everything away," Mariam continued, he took a deep and heavy breath.

"I'm afraid to be happy again, I'm afraid I have to get hurt again" he concluded.

"Don't su'udzhon be the same Allaah Mariam, soul mate, death, fortune, it's all been written even before someone was born."

I positioned Mariam back to look me in the eye, I held her shoulders and stared deeply into her eyes.

"Listen Mariam, don't be too busy counting what goes from you, but look what the late Biantara left you, he gave you a trust as big as Octavia so rise up to take care of her, he gives you the most sincere love so take a lesson from the way he loves you, he gives you memories so be grateful at least you ever had someone as amazing as Biantara!"

Clear threads dripped back from Mariam's beautiful eyes, I hope she is aware and able to find a way out of the despair that befell her.

"If you still can't, I'll be a Biantara for you!"

......