Pursuing My Husband's First Love
Mariam's asking

I refuse to believe. Many times I begged to wake up from this nightmare, in fact I did not wake up. The accident that took my husband's life completely destroyed my passion for life.

Days passed, times changed, I just knew I was still breathing, and my heart was still beating, but I wasn't sure if I was worth being called alive.

No more passion, no more purpose, no more friends, no more Mas Bian. There is only emptiness, darkness, nothingness. Even the presence of Octavia had not felt the effect. His father, his father died and his mother was like an undead.

I just stared pushyly at his behavior, he who got a lot of hugs from his eyes and also from my sodara and Mas Bian. As for her, can I raise her alone?

Imagine when the body is severely injured, but still has to live. Isn't suffering? Mas Bian, the figure who so perfectly understood me has left. Wake me! It's a nightmare!

"Mba? Would you like to stay here, would you like to come back to the village?" ask my mother after 100 days of Mas Bian's departure.

"I want to be here, Mom."

"Related?"

"Mom, I can't leave this house, Mom, this is Mas Bian's house, however I have to look after it, Mom."

I stared at each end of this house, where there used to be so much warmth that Mas Bian created. The house that Mas Bian bought was full of struggle, squeezing sweat day and night. There's no way I'm leaving him.

"But Mba, I don't have the heart to leave Mba here" my mother told me.

"I'm sincere, Mom, Insha Alloh .. although more and more felt the emptiness that Mas Bian left, but I've been more sincere, only Mas Bian's body left, Mom, his soul, his body, her memories, her warmth, her love, and her affection are still there, Mom, here ...," I replied as I placed my hands on my chest, "In this house, in this place, in this city, Mom, in this town, all of Mas Bian's dreams and hopes are here."

Mom just hugged me, and I realized I was just strengthening myself. In reality, I was afraid, very scared, of what would happen tomorrow, how would I face this life without Mas Bian? What is the future of Octavia? I tightly hugged my mother's body, trying to find a source of strength from there.

"Mother just advised, be careful with your current status Mba, a status that often invites slander and trivial views." I don't understand Mom's words, I just focus on how to stay alive.

"If Mba needs anything, do not condone either Mother or Mas-masmu," continued Mother later.

"Don't worry Mom!"

I know how worried Mom is about me, but I also try to appreciate my spirit.

"Mother will often come yes Mba, if not yes replace the same Bu besan, anyway later who would spare would come here."

Tomorrow, my mother will be home, after a few months of accompanying me and Octavia. Maybe my mother-in-law, or my sister-in-law will take turns coming here. I have to be able to defend and keep going forward, a lot of people are supportive and always encouraging. But the truth is, I am strong because Mas Bian is always in my heart, his shadow is always there when I close my eyes. Mas Bian, I never imagined I would have such a miserable heartbreak like this.

Tok .. tok .. tok ... !

"Acrasum ... !"

"Grandmrs ... !" My mother approached the voice behind the door.

"Assalamualaikum Mba Mariam ...?" medina said she loved me.

"Nrankings ...,"

"Masya Alloh, Miss Aini?" exclaimed My mother recognized the figure who came with Medina, a mother who I once held a bell behind my motorcycle seat, why I did not realize that she was Mizan's mother.

"Excite Ma'am," replied Ms. Aini.

He sat beside me, then hugged me, warmly. Sadness makes me so slow to respond, I just let this hug warm my sadness.

"Innallaha ma'ashobirin ...!" he said while releasing my arms.

"Thank you Miss Aini, you've bothered to come here." My mother made small talk even though I knew, My mother felt awkward at the arrival of Ms. Aini.

"Hem ... Look, I came to want to convey my good intentions," said Bu Aini after playing with Medina.

"Oh ... What's wrong, Mom?" ask Mom.

"Maybe ... My arrival was too hasty, but I just want to hasten the good intentions of my family, does not mean it should be answered in the near future, just answer whenever Mba Mariam is ready," said Ms. Aini.

"My daughter-in-law, Medina, has told me everything, about Mas Mizan and Mba Mariam's relationship in the past, I don't mean to meddle, my daughter-in-law asked for help to convey to Mba Mariam," he continued, I had a glance at the look of my mother who was full of astonishment.

"Bissmilbornohmanirohim ... Mba Mariam's mother came at the request of my son-in-law, to propose Mba Mariam to my second son Musa Hamizan." In that instant I was only able to hear his words, without being able to digest even the slightest bit of his speech intent.

Suddenly a sense of tightness filled my chest cavity, let alone think to just breathe it felt so painful and heavy. My body trembled following my shaken soul. I saw Medina just bowed.

"What ... I didn't hear wrong?"

"Mba Mariam, do not have to answer it now, whenever Mba Mariam is ready," continued Bu Aini.

Suddenly it came to my mind, as blood kept coming out of Mas Bian's head, I saw myself so panicked, I cried, begging the doctors and nurses, "Save my husband, save my husband!"

"Sorry Ms. .. but Mr. Biantara died on the way to the hospital" replied a police officer.

I shouted, once twice, I shook Mas Bian's stiff body, I called his name once, twice, three times, until my voice felt floating, gone.

My breath choked, his pale face as if smiling at me, the only smile that did not make me happy at all. My tang fumbled at the chest of his field, where I used to lean, where I complained, where I sought calmness and warmth. Slender. I put my ears there, looking for the rhythm that always makes me happy, I closed my eyes many times, I was still looking and kept looking, the rhythm of the heartbeat belongs to Mas Bian, mine. However, deserted.

It was like my world at that time.

His hands were cold, why cold? It is this hand that has worked so hard for my life and Octavia, why is it cold? Hands that always bring joy and wonder in treading a life full of mystery. It's chilly.

Suddenly my back warmed.

"Mr ... ! Istighfar Mba ... !" my mother's warm hands awakened me from the nightmare.

"Astaghfirullohaladzim ... Astaghfirullohaladzim ... Astaghfirullohaladzim ... !" lead my mother lovingly.

"Acrasum ... !"

I heard a man's voice come and then without waiting for his answer to come in, they spoke in words I didn't understand. I just feel dark. Darkened.

"Mariaaam ... !"

.....