Pursuing My Husband's First Love
Love Expressions

MARIAM POV

If a man cries in front of you, it means he really loves you. At that time, it was raining heavily, young Biantara expressed her feelings. He confidently came to my house.

My voice was muffled by the sound of rainwater from outside the room, but I clearly said, I can't, I don't love her.

Then, he asked again, how can I love him?

I replied, I can't.

He asked again, why?

I replied, My heart has flown to a faraway place and seems to die from being abandoned there.

Young Biantara immediately replied, I am willing to die as long as your heart lives again.

A sneaky speech I thought was joking. He kept chasing me by always saying, I am the place to anchor his life and in my lap he is sure his life will end, someday.

He is like an angel who can read my will, my will, and always be right with things I do not understand. He doesn't have much to gain, but I feel perfect with him.

I don't like it, I want a religious husband, a sholeh, maybe a pesantren, or a khafidz. Every woman, right? Having a religiously perfect husband.

But, Biantara is different. He tried to deepen his religion for my sake, although his knowledge was not high but managed to take me flying.

My heart sank from loving a perfect figure like Mizan, until I got hurt. Finally, I broke my own heart and chose a much different figure that was Biantara.

With a serious heart he asked me to be his wife, he promised to try to make me happy with all his soul. She was crying in front of me, not because she was begging, but because she could not help feeling so great about me. The thing that made me so deeply embedded in his heart.

This time, Hamizan, cried in front of me. Someone who has made me take the hard decision to break my own wings. Someone who made me open my heart and accept Biantara.

Two people who are trying to surpass each other for me. Someone who both made me fall in love so deeply that eventually both of them both dropped me at the pain of heartbreak.

"If you still can't, I'll be a Biantara for you!" mizan said with eyes full of confidence, I don't know maybe desperate, the same view when young Biantara asked me to be his wife.

"Those people have tried so hard to be you."

"really?" mizan asked him to confirm what he had just heard.

"Yes, why are you the one who wants to be a biantara now?" Mizan just kept quiet without being able to find the right reason.

"I feel like I'm being played with."

"Me and Biantara both love you, when you can open your heart to her, you should be able to open your heart to me" Mizan said.

"Come away!"

"I will try to get your heart back, and also make you happy. In my own way!" mizan.

"Please, familiarize yourself with my presence Mariam, however legitimate I am to be your husband," asked Mizan as he went out of the room.

I was upset by her request, she was right. Regardless of my marriage being too fast and the stigma of being wrong in society, or the burden of wild accusations coming in, I remain his rightful wife.

"Let's pray maghrib!" bring me.

I got up and followed her invitation, not forgetting that Octavia was taking part. This is the first time Mizan became my prayer priest with the status of husband and wife, I once prayed and asked for something like this, before I finally let hope run aground. However, fate toyed with me so well, Hamizan was actually in front of my prayer mat.

I enjoyed the recitation of the Holy Quran recited by Hamizan, the reading was tartil, more beautiful, and still felt so soothing to my soul. In the past, I was often the prayer makmum, of course with other friends when there were rois activities at school. Hearing Hamizan recite the Quran seems to make me return to the past, where my wings are still intact both sides.

It was so sweet to have a meeting with Hamizan with my little daughter. Something I rarely do with Biantara because we are both busy. I headed to the kitchen to prepare dinner, while Okta was studying with her Abinya, - I mean Hamizan-.

Octavia was so quick to adapt, unlike myself who still had not fully moved from my grief. I am so grateful to have been given such a special source of strength as Octavia.

.....

"Tonight I'll stay here" he replied while remaining focused on television.

"How's Medina?"

"Here!" mizan said as she patted the empty chair next to her. I hesitantly followed her request to sit down.

"I've decided, will share my day with you and Octavia for 3 days and the next 3 with Medina, how?" mizan Proposal.

"Does Medina agree?"

"I haven't asked you yet."

"Alright, ask him first."

"Do you disagree, Mariam?"

"I accept, whatever the rules are."

She smiled again at my reply, the warm smile that used to be mine, now I have to share it with Medina. Unconsciously I was stunned.

"Why see me that?"

"Ehm, no papa, it was strange that you were crying now that you were smiling."

"That's how life is, you must be prepared and resilient, one of the most important, Faith Mariam."

His words seemed to insinuate me, but it was true, my faith was weak at the moment.

"Don't be sad, express everything through prayer, just being sad is useless."

"Just like the way I look after you from afar, not with supernatural powers or telepathy, but with Mariam's prayer, I always say your name in every one of my prayers."

"Is that how good you feel?"

"I sincerely love you, and my feelings are too great for me to enjoy myself, so I express it in every prayer, I never feel yourself far away, because for me you are here," he answered by tapping his right hand to his chest.

I feel guilty, but Mizan really loves me. But Biantara loves me too. Although we eventually mate, but the steep road we have to take provides extraordinary wisdom, also the memory of Biantara.

"Do you understand what I mean by Mariam?" ask again.

"Pray for the late Biantara, show your love through prayer. I will faithfully wait until you are ready, I will not force you to rush back to return my feelings. Remember, Biantara is not leaving, he is in your heart" he continued.

His words are true, I have to get used to the real absence of Biantara. And familiarize himself with the presence of Hamizan as a husband and substitute parents for Okta.

"Thank you,"

That night, I asked Mizan to read Arrohman's letter as my bedtime. I lay down next to him and he gently rubbed my head. His recitation of the Quran always made me calm and peaceful, this also made my teenage self fall in love and dreamt of becoming his partner.

Now, all is no longer a dream, Allaah the Most Blessed of all Prayer has made my hope come true despite the road of pain.

I calmed down, I was swept away in the remembrance of Allah.

'Which wisdom do I deny!'

......