DIORAMAS
8. Night Turnover
Again my gaze unconsciously turned to the library building when Jendra tidied up his jacket that we had used to paddle and was about to start the engine of his car. I even abandoned the intention of putting on a seatbelt and stared at the library like a fool.
Right, I'm still thinking about E. A. and why he should give me a short message instead of meeting me at the reading table and telling me we've met before.
“Sayang?”
And I don't know how many times Jendra had to touch my arm and regain my consciousness from the daydreams about E. A. Geez, the first day I saw him I was made in this fog by a stranger.
“Yes? Why mas?”
I don't know, I'm not saying that today has been a big thing in my life, it's just that I feel that after this there will be a lot of things going on between me, Jendra, and E. A.
“Why are you, anyway?”
“No, no why-why. Asked what?”
“When to marry Mita and mas Ardi. But it is not important, mas actually was thinking that before the mas came, something big happened in there.”
I took a deep breath and felt the scent of lemongrass fill my sense of smell and noticed Jendra who started to focus on his wheel as we entered the highway. Do I have to tell Jendra about the short message E. A. gave me? Do I have to tell my own boyfriend that in there I just met a man who claimed to have seen me and I who also felt I had seen him? I don't know, I don't know if it's that kind of thinking woman around here or not.
“Now, maybe I was looking at a ghostly shadow. And mas Ardi's wedding with mbak Mita will take place in December if not wrong.” My answer is not too bad either.
I leaned my head against the windshield and watched the rain still out there. All of a sudden I didn't like Jendra's attitude which sounded so intimidating. Or, I'm the only one who doesn't really like it if my business is meddled by others even if that person is Jendra?
“Sorry, I don't want to interfere in your affairs too far, Al. I was just wondering what happened until you became so confused. But if you don't want to answer, we change the chat topic, okay?”
And I am still a childish Alia with her short thoughts.
“Tadi mas said that mom didn't say I was in the public library, then how did you know I was there?” my question after working hard to find the topic of chat and divert my attention from the figure of E.A who still haunts me.
“There are other places that could be your hiding place if not the public library? I know very well you are not a typical person who likes to spend hours in a clothing store or food court self-service .” if I am a childish and spoiled Alia, so Jendra is an older brother who understands his younger sister. Jendra can always compensate for my powerful nature with his very mature nature.
“I'm not hiding, mas. I'm reading a book. And I just remembered that it's Thursday and it's still three in the afternoon, why do you spend hours like now?”
This time Jendra chuckled at my question and stepped on the brake pedal of his car as we entered a coffee shop not far from the public library.
“Honestly offended you dwarf ‘kluyuran’ Al.”
Instead of responding to her clumsiness, I shrugged and unbuckled my seatbelt before getting out of the car and running towards the patio.
“Tadi there should be a meeting with team members, but for reasons that mas do not know the team leader actually disappeared and made the meeting canceled.” Jendra continued while inviting me into the store.
“Truly irresponsible team leader.” It was Alia who liked to comment on unimportant things as if she knew what responsibility was.
“Maybe he has a reason why he disappeared so suddenly.”
For a while there was no sound between me and Jendra until we let the diner take over the gap between us. I ran out of ideas to respond to the words of Jendra and the man who also seemed busy with a cell phone in his hand. Even until our order came, Jendra still did not lift his face from the phone screen.
But compared to thinking about what was so exciting about Jendra's phone compared to her lover sitting right in front of her, I was thinking about what we were lacking, so the awkward feeling always popped up every time I was with this guy. If anyone has asked since when I felt it, then the answer has been since I and Jendra met with Nesti at the bakmi shop two months ago.
Yes, even today I am still thinking about things I knew after our meeting with Nesti. About Jendra's past, about the man's relationship with Hesti, also about our relationship.
“Date 4 February I will leave for Jakarta, mas.” At first I was bored with the silence that enveloped us both. Make Jendra lift his face from the screen of his phone and reach for the handle of his coffee cup.
“After contract signature?”
“Already since a week ago.”
“How many weeks is it in Jakarta? As per the agreement the location of his work remains in jogja right?”
“Of course, maybe a month or less. Depends on training material.” I started this conversation with Jendra, but I was reluctant to answer the question Jendra had given me. “And yes, the work location remains in Jogja as stated in the work contract.”
“Thursday afternoon there is an event?” jendra asked after another silence enveloped the two of us until it felt like I was tired of lingering in this place. It made me turn my head from staring at the rain outside the shop and looking at Jendra who had just put his coffee cup on the table.
“Nothing. Why?”
“Out yuk.” Invite him to relax, and so casually make me squint without intending to answer his invitation. “Don't stare at the mas like that, Al. Is it natural that a man takes his girlfriend out on the night of the new year?” and instead of being surprised because I even forgot that tomorrow is the last day of 2015. Really, either because I was too reluctant to think about it or I had completely forgotten.
“New years eve?”
“Yups. We can go for a walk, see fireworks, and other things.” Obviously Jendra was like I was a poor girl who never felt the excitement of a new year's night.
“Bby,”
Again like there is a thorn that I deliberately stick on my own flesh which will gradually make my flesh rot on its own. It felt like I was scratching a dagger on a scar that had not healed properly just to make me feel the pain again.
It sounds ordinary even very simple, when a man invites his lover out on the night of the new year. Really, I also understand romantic things like that. Only, the health of my relationship with Jendra makes me reluctant to think about what romantic things we will do on the night of the new year.
Instead of starting to think about which clothes I would wear, I actually thought of ‘is that promise? will Jendra keep his promise this time?’.
‘At least start believing in that guy in front of you, Al. He's been trying hard to maintain your relationship.’ and I don't know who the voice is actually conspiring to defend Jendra.
‘Start believing? Coulda. I would easily put my trust in Jendra if only the man stopped making promises that he would either keep or not.’
I don't know, since our meeting with Hesti the other day, without realizing the dimension of my relationship with Jendra has changed by itself and without me knowing. I don't know since when I started taking little by little the trust I had put in Jendra, so I guess my trust in Jendra really isn't left anymore.
I don't mean to judge Jendra for what's going on between us right now because I know I'm guilty here, too, it's just that my ego as a woman again prevents me from confessing or at least softens a little against Jendra.
And it's true that I didn't really expect Jendra to keep his promise to pick me up Thursday night to celebrate the turn of the year together. Only, there was still pain as I turned to the watch on my left wrist for the worst time and then turned back towards the gate of the house.
“Not yet to come,” murmured me half in despair.
Yeah, I did say that I didn't expect too much from Jendra, but still I chose the best clothes for me to wear tonight and waited for Jendra on the porch since seven even though the man said he would pick me up at eight. “It's ten.” And it's ten o'clock in three minutes. But signs of Jendra's arrival have not even been seen.
‘I'm still waiting for him, La.’ I touched the ‘kirim’ sign on the screen of my conversation with Kamila when the boy asked me where I was now.
‘Still not here? How about I give you a little idea, Al?’
‘What?’
‘Walk to the end of the alley and buy a trumpet there. At least you can still blow your new year's trumpet at twelve later while waiting for the arrival of Jendra who knows when will come to pick you up.’
I smiled bitterly to laugh at myself while reading a reply from Kamila. Taking a deep breath and letting my phone screen turn off by itself without intending to reply to the girl's message. I knew the boy was upset with me because he thought I was too ignorant of the situation and let my relationship with Jendra get worse.
I know, and I realize that I've been apathetic to Jendra lately. It's just that I feel too reluctant to just talk and stop to act like we're okay despite the fact that I almost cry every night thinking about my relationship with Jendra.
“Should I give you a deadline?”
Eleven o'clock and five, and I gave up waiting for Jendra. Choose to go into the house and take off the jacket that I have been wearing since.
Again, for the umpteenth time Jendra could not keep the promise he made to me. This time the man did not even read the message I sent three hours ago even though it was clearly sent to him. Why didn't I try to call her? It's no use because I know that Jendra is not a typical person who would ignore someone else's message if at the same time he could pick up the phone. That means the man is not holding a cell phone.
‘Other times, please do not make promises that you will not be able to keep, mas.’
Like something suddenly entered my esophagus and made my breath choked as I typed in the row of sentences on my phone screen even though I finally deleted it again. Choose to turn off the room lights and curl up in a blanket.
At the very least, I was able to ease my heartache as I closed my eyes and went to sleep.
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