DIORAMAS
9. Limit
Yogyakarta, February 2016
“It's been confirmed that no one is missing?” ask the father again to make me almost jumped and blinked quickly. Stop sweeping the courtyard of Tugu station that morning and look towards the father who was checking my suitcase.
“Insyaa Allah does not exist, sir. If you want to go home with nothing.”
“Let's go if your train comes. You have permission not to go to work today.” replied the father while inviting me into the lobby of the station and dragging my suitcase while I grabbed my phone in my jacket pocket. According to the previous plan if the 4th of February I went to Jakarta to take job training on the program I followed.
“Not coming, huh?” I told myself half a murmur.
I'm not a naive girl who likes to imagine there will be a handsome man running towards me just as the train I'm on is about to leave. Dramatically called out my name and made everyone at the station turn their heads with astonished and foolish gazes. No, that's really embarrassing. I told him I was leaving for Jakarta today and he said he would come to the station to take me. That's why many times I took a deep breath and made my father repeatedly look at me.
“Waiting who?” ask your father at the end. While I just shook my head before glancing at the watch on my wrist and checking my ticket before deciding to check in on the ticket.
“Al log in now sir, ten more minutes the train is coming, let Al wait inside.”
I decided to stop waiting for Jendra and enter the station after saying goodbye to him. Actually I didn't really expect much Jendra would come today and take me to the departure gate. Since our meeting in December last year to this day, not once did Jendra and I meet again or at least that man who met me in the public library like the last time the man did. Even his promise to leave on the eve of the new year was never fulfilled even after Jendra apologized to me via cellphone and said that that night he had to deliver Bella, his sister went nowhere.
Many times I tried to give myself an understanding, that it was time for me to act like a grown woman and stop sulking just because Jendra broke her promise to take me away on the eve of the new year. But still it feels very difficult to be legowo every time I remember how often Jendra did not keep his promise. Even today my little heart still wants Jendra's presence at the station. My little heart still hopes that at least Jendra will come and tell me to be careful during my training in Jakarta. I want Jendra to come today and tell me that on my birthday from Jakarta, we will improve our relationship.
“Fixed does not come.”
It was like something was broken when I decided to turn around and drag my suitcase towards the waiting chair near the platform one guardrail. Something that has been cracked since the last few months is finally broken today. And I don't know if something that broke could heal after I came back from Jakarta, or it would just get ruined.
“Maybe it's true that I should start creating a limit.” I muttered softly while turning off my phone and putting it in my jacket pocket. Staring at the nanar of my brown shoes was somehow like mocking the decision I just said.
I don't know, I myself don't know if ‘starting to make a limit’ is the right decision or not. I was too tired to keep giving my heart leeway and letting it feel tight every day.
When I stepped into the carriage and sat in the seat right next to the window, I did not understand if this was the right decision? Or, is this a decision I would regret? I don't understand yet. But when the whistle to the train's departure sign was rung and snapped by the sound of the train's horn, I understood one thing. That the dimension of my relationship with Jendra will change upon my return from Jakarta later. I'm sure there will be a new dimension that Jendra and I will take after this. It's just that, I don't know yet what kind of dimension we will occupy after this.
‘I leave.’
* * * * *
“Another handsome man asked the father who was the youngest and most reserved member of the father's team.” I just put my tea cup on the coaster and turned on the phone when Isaac's voice rang out in my ear and made me lift my face. Smile to return the smile of the man who is now sitting in front of me with a cup of hot coffee and two pieces of wet cake on his small plate.
“I mean that handsome guy asked about Rizky's mom?” it is my privilege to fill in Isaac's sentence. All right, I mean to disguise the anger on my face because of the disappointment I felt when my phone went perfectly on and there wasn't a single message that came up there after I turned that thing off last night.
“Yeah, instead of earlier father said ‘tim tak’ not his team sir Rudi? Alia Pangesti has her Rizky name to?” this time I almost choked on a piece of bread in my mouth to hear Isaac's reply.
I was in this training center for three weeks with 37 other participants, and I think we're getting closer. Including me and Isaac as my team leader. This pulmonary man can easily compensate me who tends to be quiet with a light and nurturing carrier.
Yeah, three weeks. And during these three weeks my feelings have not improved since my departure three weeks ago. My feelings were still riled up even though I could hide the anger perfectly when undergoing a series of training activities and every time I was gathering with other fellow trainees.
“And who is this handsome man who would spend his time asking about this unattractive Alia Pangesti to Isaac?”
“Yeah, if you are not attractive, where maybe in three weeks there are two men who ask about you to father, nduk?”
“Yes, it is difficult indeed if tempting young women who already have a girlfriend.” This time I chose to chuckle and take a sip of tea from my cup in response to Isaac's words.
No, I didn't realize that since the start of this training there was a man who looked so attentive to me that I thought he was a typical stalker guy. Mas Tristan, the, the man did not even hesitate to sit at the same table as me whenever the meal schedule arrived and somehow the man was able to find me even though I had already escaped by going up to the second floor terrace. I realize, it's just that I have absolutely no interest in talking to or chatting with a man if at the same time my relationship with a man is on the edge.
And just as I got out of my chair to grab another snack, my phone shook and a name was on it. It made me frown before finally grabbing the thing and touching the screen.
“It looks like you will be heartbroken, Tris.” I swore as Isaac whispered to Tristan as I walked up the stairs to the gazebo. The break is still thirty minutes away, and I think I can talk to this guy for a few minutes.
“Halo,” my broom after taking a deep breath and dropping my ass over the rattan gazebo right next to the pool.
“Hai,” for a while I was stunned to think how long had I not heard Jendra's voice even though it was only from a phone connection?
“What's up, mas?”
“It's okay, just want to chat with you. What are you doing?”
“While resting,” really, I'm talking to my own girlfriend right now. But why does it feel like I'm talking to a stranger who purposely bothers me on the sidelines of my break?
“Have lunch?” for a moment I just flinch to the glint of sunlight reflected on the surface of the pool beside me. The ripples of the water were moving thin as it tempted me to take off my shoes and throw my feet in there.
“Not yet. Have you had lunch?”
“Already. Have lunch, Al. It's lunchtime.”
“Iya.” And succeed. I didn't even hesitate to take off my shoes and socks to put my feet in the pool water. Feeling the cold sensation spread so softly and made me close my eyes. Ignoring the sounding Jendra disliked my answer and took a deep breath.
“Enight why is your number off, Al?” ask Jendra at the end of which somehow the question is like a small spark of light. Yes, in fact, I was the one who deliberately turned off the phone to make Jendra search and ask where I was. I purposely ran only for Rajendra to come after me.
“Cumatican. Why?”
“Ya already, I think your training until night.”
It was just that the light was too dim and too small to just go out before I could admire the dim light.
“No. My break is over, ma'am. I hung up.”
So hurt.
Why does it feel so painful just because an answer Jendra gave was not what I expected? Why did it hurt so much when I found out that Jendra was so unconcerned about the reason why I turned off my phone even though the reason I made it was actually for that guy.
Ah, in fact this cold pool water cannot perfectly neutralize this tightness that I feel. And after a breath I realized that this great ego was easily hurt by a little hope. A little hope that can really make me so disappointed.
* * * * *
