DIORAMAS
31. One Sorry

Yogyakarta, September 2018

I took a deep breath once more and turned to my right and left as if I was looking for someone even though there was no one I was looking for or waiting for. It's just, it feels like I need to ask even though I don't know who I should ask myself. And taking a breath for the umpteenth time became the choice I made to suppress the disappointment that I had felt fifteen minutes ago.

“Two years I did not visit this place, and why so many changes that I do not know?” ask yourself because no one else is with me right now. Choose to rotate the body and walk towards the concrete garden divider right next to the gate of the square. Straighten my feet that feel sore and put the crutches that I have been wearing right next to me.

Two years, and I don't know if in two years a lot of things have changed. I felt like I had just set foot in a foreign city I had never been to before. And remembering about so many changes that made me feel alien in my own birth city made my eyes heat up and the heat was indeed incarnated into tears even though I could still resist the urge.

Now I'm starting to wonder, was the decision to return to Japan the best decision or was it the wrong decision?

“When you want to come back, I will always be ready to accompany you, Al.” and Kamila's words a year and a half ago replayed in my head as if by that sentence Kamila wanted to remind me that there would be so many changes that I felt once I decided to return to Jogja after being pulled over in Bandung for almost two years. Ah, I even remembered the sentence that Kamila said half a year ago despite the fact that the girl did not even know that I had returned to Jogja since a week ago. And instead of informing Kamila of my return, I asked all my family members to keep my return a secret.

“It turns out a lot has changed, La.” murmured again. Taking a deep breath once more and trying to suppress the tightness in my chest. The tightness that makes my eyes heat up and the heat that always incarnates into a cry every time I remember that it was a long time ago I did not come home to my house in Jogja.

Yes, for almost two years I chose to pull over in Bandung and ignore everything about Jogja to ignore the changes that occurred in my hometown. Too much has changed until I feel alien to my own hometown. Even the public library where so many of my memories are stored has changed and made me unable to recognize them.

Right, the library building in front of me right now is no longer a city library. The old building before me was currently nothing more than an empty building where weeds were beginning to rise up filled its courtyard. Even the banyan tree that used to be my favorite tree now looks so creepy and makes me reluctant to look at it.

“Not the city changed, Al. But you. The only thing that has changed here is you.” and that's a sentence that I don't know how many times I've muttered until I feel sick to myself. Well, and the only guilty person here is me. I neglect to think that with me and not me, things will continue to work out properly. With me and not, everything will go forward.

“You decided to go and disappear, Al. So why do you now feel they have to find you?”

Again, I could not even hold back the tears I had been holding back. No, I've even held back my tears from turning into tears since a week ago. Ever since I returned to my hometown after being pulled over for almost two years. Ever since I felt that things were foreign, and since I felt that every decision I made for almost two years was a mistake. I don't know what kind of idiosyncrasies have affected me so far.

* * * * *

Bandung, January 1, 2017

“The holiday is over, mas. A manager should not be absent from work for too long, you know.” I said confidently in the hope that Evan would stop acting childish and would move out of my lap. Reduced his intention to stay in Bandung for another day and took a leave of absence even because I knew that this man had taken leave on my return day yesterday.

“How about you just resign, Al? We go back to Jogja together. Hm?”

“Iya, I will resign a month before our wedding date. That was my promise to mama ‘kan?”

Yes, although two days before Evan and I had a conversation that I really did not want, but everything went so perfectly two days later. The day Evan said he'd take his family and meet my family to propose to me. Although I had thought that our conversation in the car two days earlier could have changed Evan's decision, the man remained firm in his decision to propose to me. The man came with his two parents, his two younger siblings and two Evan relatives whom I myself forgot who they were.

“Now only. After the wedding is only five months away, baby.”

“Manager will not be that easy to sign the submission letter resign ‘kan, mas?” my question is what makes Evan tick dislike and the reaction that makes me laugh.

And that night, I couldn't even define the feelings I felt until I was silent during a meeting between my family and Evan's. He, Evan Adiatma who I accidentally saw in the parking lot that afternoon tonight had been sitting in front of me and next to his parents to propose to me. He, Evan Adiatma, who stole my attention in the public library the other day, tonight became the man who tied me up with a silver diamond ring that he put on my sweet finger. He, Evan Adiatma who helped me heal the wounds because of Rajendra, tonight became a man who was so sure to kiss my forehead and change the status of my future husband. We're getting married. Alia and Evan will change into us.

How did I feel that night? I couldn't even believe what happened that night until it felt like I needed someone to remind me that what happened that night was real. That the man who sat in front of me that night and spoke so confidently before his father, mother, mother Mita, mas Raka and mas Ardi was really Evan Adiatma. That Evan's presence that night was indeed a sign that the relationship we were living in was not something worth playing with.

And instead of just driving me up to the station to then let me go back to Bandung alone, Evan with all the absurd reasons he had actually come to Bandung with me even though the man only had one day off.

“Let's you why-why how? If seduced by male passengers how?” the question was then that made me grunt because I thought the journey of Jogja-Bandung was not a moment and Evan would be very tired if he had to return to Jogja in the morning. But Evan was still Evan who turned out to be more stubborn than me and Evan with all his desires that I was hard to resist. It made me just sigh and let Evan accompany me to Bandung.

___________

“Should be the one who took you to kos. Not you who drove mas.” and after ‘again’ argued about the plan to resign, Evan finally relented as well and followed my desire to go home by taking a scheduled early morning departure by train. Making the man grumble since coming out of the hotel room to the lobby although in the end Evan also said.

“Mas be careful, yes.” The clock had pointed at the number 2 past 10 minutes when I sat in one of the waiting chairs right next to Evan who had sat first. I don't know if it's because of the quiet atmosphere of the station or because I have to let Evan go back to Jogja without me. It felt like my eyes were heating up and wanting to cry even though I didn't dare to tell Evan and chose to hide my face in the man's arms. “Let's go to Wates station ask Fian to pick up.” I greeted him with a voice that started to sound strange.

“Tuh right, invited home together ndak want, but left home even cry.”

“Who said I cried because I was left home the same mas?”

“Not yes? Then why dong cry so?” seductive Evan opened his right hand and hugged me. Little laugh though again I felt that Evan's laughter was painful and I did not like the laughter.

“Omong-by the way you're not sleepy, Al? It's two o'clock this morning.” I know very well that the question Evan gave me was only to change the atmosphere that became awkward because of my sudden act of crying for no reason.

“Hmm..”

“You and I, we don’t wanna be like them.” instantly I opened my eyes despite not intending to let go of Evan's embrace when suddenly the man muttered. “We can make it ‘till the end. Nothing can come between, you and I.”

Although it took almost a full minute, I finally realized that what was muttered by Evan was a piece of one direction's song lyrics. A song I used to love and I even memorized the lyrics.

“It's been almost thirty, mas. Is his taste still boyband?” really, there is no reason that makes me not touched by the song lyrics muttered by Evan. Which woman would not be moved if her future husband muttered a lyric with such meaning? But I'm not trying to add to the melancholy mood by sobbing in Evan's arms because he's so excited. That's why I chose such slurs instead of filling them with other romantic phrases.

“But romantic ‘kan?” and Evan laughed too in the end. “And by the way the three tens are still three years away, dear.”

“Stay by thirty, mas.”

“Life may be thirty, but taste is still young dong.”

And our debate about the age and taste of new music stopped when the voice of a woman was heard and announced that the train to Surabaya to be boarded by Evan would arrive soon and passengers were asked to check in tickets. Making Evan again sigh heavily before moving out of his chair and looking at me for a long time.

“Log in there.”

“Mas home yes.”

Once again the melancholy atmosphere again surrounded us until I unconsciously hugged Evan.

“Be careful on the road.”

“Iya. See you soon, dear.”

What was it like this when I had to see Evan's back move away and the man waving his right hand at me before completely disappearing behind the platform door? What does it feel like when I have to let Evan go back to Jogja without me even though no more than five months later we will meet again? Ah, maybe it was my mood that was so seducing that the sound of the train sign whistle was ready to be launched - it sounded so heartbreaking.

* * * * *

The sound of al-Quran tilawah which is usually heard before dawn has been heard from the mosque near my boarding house when the taxi that I had stopped right in front of the boarding gate. It made me instantly reveal the end of my sleeve and see that the clock was showing at 3 o'clock over 40 minutes. It made me frown before grabbing the bag of clothes I had left lying beside my feet and letting the taxi I was riding pass and leaving me.

No, I frowned not because I realized that since my departure from Jogja on Sunday afternoon yesterday and until now on Tuesday morning I only slept once in the train. Not because of that, but the atmosphere of this different boarding house is what makes me frown.

“Looks like a lot of stories I missed during my time in Jogja yesterday.” Instantly a smile grew as I realized that the different atmosphere in the boarding house must have something to do with Sofia. I remember very well a few weeks before my return to Jogja, Sofia and her family were preoccupied with a man's proposal to the girl, and the atmosphere of Hamidah's ummi house this morning seems to be a good sign and the answer Sofia gave me. The girl is getting married.

I don't know why, but it felt like there was a sense of relief when I opened the gate of the boarding house and found the atmosphere was different as when I left the boarding house a week ago. A tent that has been installed and several piles of chairs that may have just arrived and some people were seen in and out of the house ummi Hamidah. Makes me occasionally nod in courtesy before stepping up the stairs towards my room. Although I'm very curious about Sofia's story, but I'll wait until tomorrow morning to see Sofia at her house.

“Alright, tomorrow you have to tell me everything, Sof.” I muttered after folding the face I just wore. Breathe deeply and turn on the phone and find the clock has shown at 4 over 37 minutes. And don't have to wait until the clock turns to 5 to put me to sleep after yawning twice. It made me drop my intention to call Evan and choose to put my phone back next to the pillow. But I remember, before I actually fell asleep I had a chance to think about the concept of destiny that Sofia and I had talked about. It was a casual conversation that Sofia and I had but for some reason now it was back in my head as if it was the most important conversation I had ever had.

“Destiny? My understanding of destiny is limited to a provision, Sof.” I replied when Sofia suddenly asked me what I thought of the destiny of a human being. “I mean, destiny is a provision that God has set upon His servant.”

It does. Although I admit that the understanding of the religion I have is far from Sofia's understanding, but deep within my heart it is ingrained that the concept of destiny is simple. As simple as I am to believe in the creator that what God has destined will not miss us even if only a few steps. As simple as I am as I believe that everything that has happened to me is the destiny that God has set for me. Because destiny is a provision.

And I think that everything that God has destined will still run perfectly no matter what the plot. Although often unexpected or even coming from unexpected directions, the destiny of God will still approach His servant. Just like Sofia and Aditya, since both of them had been feared, that was why the two of them remained united despite having never met before.

“Ah, in fact the destiny of God is indeed as beautiful as this.” mumbled unconsciously when I saw Sofia coming out of her room accompanied by ummi Hamidah and a woman I did not know and had never met before. The figure of a bride who is so confident in her chosen steps. The figure of a young girl in a white wedding dress complete with a piece of cloth that covers part of her face. The figure of a young girl who, no matter when, began to open my eyes to various things that I did not know before.

“Barakallah, Sof.” That'sallthatis. Only a prayer I can say and give to Sofia today. The day that the young girl officially became the wife of a man named Aditya whom I had never seen and Sofia had only met him once.

“Thank you, tea.”

At first I had doubts, how could two people who had not known each other before be together in a bond called marriage? Just a question shortly before I found the corner of Sofia's eyes narrowed and signified that the girl was smiling. Smile with confidence that today, he has made the right decision. Because two people do not have to know for a very long time in order to get married.

Ah, isn't the concept of a soul mate the same as death? When I asked about how two people who don't know each other can unite in a marriage, should I also ask about how someone who is young and healthy has suddenly met death? My brain is still full of rhetoric. Putting things down that simple takes so long.

‘Two people didn't need to know each other for so long to get married. Similarly with death, one does not have to be sick and old to meet his death.’

A soul mate and death, ah both have the same concept apparently. The secret, coming from an unexpected direction, was written in the far reaches of the mahfudz there.

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