DIORAMAS
37. With Rain
Yogyakarta, January 2019
With the rain, it was as if all the memories stored in the compartment of my memory were twisted without me noticing. Memories of my life with Jendra in the past, memories of my first meeting with Evan, as well as memories of our meetings afterwards.
With the rain, every speck forced me to be honest and every splash of water that soaked my face forced me to confess. About my feelings, about my desires, also about my happiness.
With the rain, and everything was going the way it should. Like a puddle of water that airs to become a cloud, wandering in search of a contest, until it falls and soaks the soul that longs. Isn't this the same story as rain? Starting from a meeting, traveling with feelings, escape looking for a contest, to go home when I find him who I should have found.
Just like the rain, the specks that fell and joined each other just like you and me. Run back to each other, meet and meet. Even though you and I stopped saying hello, in the end you and I went back to the same contest. Yes, because from the beginning you and I were together, you and I were destined to be us.
Like rain, wandering and airing with the cloud, but will still return to the contest. Together until time rolls around and makes it go.
“Don't go again.” I still clearly remember the sentence Evan said to me that morning. In the morning we sat together at the back of Evan's house with two cups of tea that I didn't even touch. And that morning, with the sun slowly rising, I understood that along with my escape, Evan was hurt so deeply that the man still chose to wait for me to return. “I won't know what I'll do if you choose to leave me again.”
Alia left Evan. Ah, for hundreds of days I ran from Evan, I even missed thinking that with my escape it meant that I had left Evan.
“I won't ask too much, Al. Enough you don't go again. Stay by my side and don't go anywhere, hm?” I don't know how many minutes Evan crouched down in front of me and clasped my hands together. It makes my tongue more moody and my chest more and more tight.
“I'm home, mas.”
Go home. Again I missed thinking about one thing, that ever since I decided to run, all I wanted was to go home. Shedding my body and restoring my tired heart I broke myself.
“Thank you for coming back to Evan, son.”
At that time, I even almost jumped because of shock when unbeknownst to me, Kalingga Adiatma, evan's father, who a few hours ago had become my father-in-law, suddenly sat next to me with a glass of cold drink in his hand. To be honest, I even got scared when Evan took me to his house for the second time and met his family two months ago. I was afraid that in my current condition, the Evan family would not accept me like their acceptance at our first meeting. I was afraid because I had wounded the first son of the Adiatma family so deeply because of my escape.
“Thank you for being willing to accompany Evan spend the rest of his time.”
“Thank you for accepting Alia, pa.”
At first I had doubts when Evan set our wedding date exactly on January 1, 2019. Again my condition like this repeatedly made me feel that I was not worthy to be Evan's wife and be part of the Adiatma family.
“From the many people who judge you, only I will be your husband, Al. Only I will spend the days with you and hear your stories.”
It's easy to say things like that because Evan never felt in my position. Evan always got the role of a handsome and wealthy prince while I was nothing but an ash-upik. Evan had never felt the inner turmoil I had felt since Aslan's doctor told me the news about my left leg and how I tried to get to the chest to accept it all.
“You've fought so far, Al. It is not worth it if you give up again and decide to run again from Evan.” Even Mika also began to be able to string up such sentences and force me to smile thinly. Isn't what I've been doing all this time a struggle? “For no matter how far you run, someone who will be your home is still Evan. For you are a match, and it is on this night that God has set you up in a glorious and perfect bond
Matches are too complicated if humans try to examine it. Even so with me who is too muddy to be able to interpret matters of marriage even though I often write beautiful diction-diction about the soul mate in my writing. To be sure, the matter of the soul mate is more beautiful than the diction of the literature, for the soul mate is in the realm of Him who is all things.
Just like I was so sure of Evan but then chose to run away and stay away, but in the end the man also became my complaint.
* * * * *
Yogyakarta, End of February 2019
It rained again as I opened the door between the lounge and the back garden of the house. Frowning when he realized that a few hours ago the weather was still so hot but suddenly it was raining. Even the hills ahead look like fog because the rain is falling so heavy.
That's right, I even remember how Evan reacted when we met on the porch of a public library three years ago. When we started our first chat, and the first chat that became the beginning of our chat after that. Also my confession about Jendra which was also witnessed by the rain.
And with the rain, Evan and I began our simple dream. Living together in a beautiful bond with simplicity. As simple as sitting together waiting for dusk with two cups of tea and hearing the stories that will take us on a night of slowly greeting. The two told each other and exchanged dreams that we had never shared before, as well as about any dreams we wanted to achieve.
“Slow-slow, Al. Because you just fell down and got hurt, that's why it took time to get up and heal that wound.” everyone is no exception mom who is so sure of my life that will be better after this. A life I have doubted many times and I don't know how many times I want to end it.
“And all you need to do is keep trying to cure it. Not letting the wound keep bleeding.” I understand such a theory. That everything takes time.
Like a wound that takes time to heal, like a broken heart that takes time to come back intact, also about me, about my wounds and about my heart. It's just that, once again I admit that sometimes it's difficult for me to accept even though in the end I can only keep going while trying. Trying to heal my wounds and be healed.
“That injury will make you grow. The wound will be a reminder that in the future you can be more careful, and as a reminder that sometimes God leaves the wound for you to enjoy the pain.”
Reminders me to be more careful. Ah, I forgot that the only form of carelessness I had been doing all this time was to let Evan get hurt so deeply. I promised to keep the heart that man left me, but I was the only one who broke that heart.
“Without you realizing, you owe so much sorry to your husband, Al.” muttered as I closed my eyes and sighed deeply, and felt the cold air infiltrate my chest. The smell of the rain that left me drizzling, also the sound of the occasional raindrop still sounded into a rhythm that somehow made me happy until I felt the tip of my lips that expand.
“No term of apology or anything you mean, Al.” just as I opened my eyes, he was already crouching before me and the sight of the rest of the rain ahead was changed with that smile. “For when we are legal to be husband and wife, without you knowing also the sheet of our lives has changed. Like a blank paper that we are ready to fill with the things we live with, today and beyond.”
“Mas,”
“So please, stop feeling that you have to apologize to me because you never made a mistake.”
True too, I forgot that an apology is only given by someone who made a mistake. But, is everything I did in the past not a mistake?
“Everything that happened in the past, let us just keep it and we make a reminder. That we've fallen that deep. As proof that we are able to rise and return together.”
A reminder. I do not know how many people I need to remind me that everything that happened in the past is the will of God that must be used as a reminder by His servant.
Just like me and Evan. A reminder that Evan and I fell down and felt desperate to stop. Reminders that we had fought even though we both took off each other's arms. Reminders that we were once driven by ego to stop even though we eventually realized that walking alone was not an option.
“For this one time only, mas.” I don't know where the encouragement is, and I just want to do it as a wife's tribute to her husband. Grasping Evan's right hand with both hands and kissing him with all my feelings. “Let this mas wife apologize for everything she has done so far.”
“Say,”
It felt like the various feelings that had been bothering me all this time were suddenly coming out together at one time as soon as I felt Evan's hand stroke the top of my head. And when one clear point I felt falling through the corner of my eyes closed, a feeling arose. A feeling that makes me confident that, although we cannot guarantee that after this we will always be happy, but we are confident that we can deal with it as long as we are always together.
“For the sake of Allah, I just want to be the wife of mas that Allah ridhoi.”
“Together we reach God, dear.”
For in my humble thinking, when I have received the pleasure of the owner of all things, everything will be more blessed.
And from this moment on, let everything that happens between me and Evan be enough to keep in our compartment of the past and let us remember it as something that helps us to grow. From this second on, let us walk and release all the burdens we have been carrying all this time. Me and Evan, together we both live our new lives simply. As simple as a drizzle that incarnates into rain and sweeps away memories.
* * * * *
