DIORAMAS
20. Longs

For the umpteenth time, it felt like I had not climbed this place for a long time until I almost forgot the atmosphere of this place. I just realized that longing can be this thick. Yes, I miss the smell of books and the dust that comes out every time I open the door and put my bag in my locker.

But if you remember, I did not come to the public library long enough and spent hours there. Last time I came here was about a month ago before Evan and I attended Jendra and Hesti's wedding.

A month ago, and it felt like time was going so fast and so regularly that sometimes I didn't notice the change. A month has passed and it feels like just yesterday I was in a dilemma to decide whether or not I would come to Jendra and Hesti's wedding. Also, it felt like just yesterday Evan was holding my hand in front of Jendra and his wife. Even I could still feel the warm glow that the man sent me in my right hand.

Yes, everything went so fast and regularly that I didn't realize that a month had passed. Except the longing that gets more and more passionate as the years go by.

“Surely now it is very busy ya nduk until did not have time to come here?” asked Mr. Wardi with an offended tone that he made up and made me laugh a little.

“No, sir. Yesterday I did not want to go anywhere.”

I don't lie because the truth is. I didn't come to the public library because I was too busy because my work was done and I just wanted to rest at home. Thinking about where I'm going after this, also thinking about Evan and my feelings. Ah, that guy. Since we attended Jendra and Hesti's wedding last month, we haven't seen each other again even though we still exchange news occasionally though not too often either.

The last time Evan told me was three days ago when the man was in Surabaya taking care of a project at one of the gaming companies that gameloft worked with. Actually I want to ask more, it's just that desire I harbored when I remember I was nobody and could not ask too far about the life of an Evan Adiatma.

That's why I said that there's nothing I can really feel except an increasingly passionate longing.

“Mas Evan still comes often even if not as often as before, nduk. Maybe busy too.” sentence Mr. Wardi back interrupted my daydream and made me turn to pay attention to the man who was arranging books on a shelf not far from me.

“No non-busy planning team leader, sir.” My timpals before getting out of my chair and walking towards the shelf row of biology books. Received a book about genetic mutations published in California that have been translated into Indonesian. I love biology, though it's not as crazy as Evan, and I'm actually not a typical person who would spend my time in a public library reading biology books.

Then why did I pick up a biology book? The answer is clearly just one. Because I miss Evan.

“How are you, mas?” I muttered while sitting on the floor and leaning my body against the wall right next to the library glass barrier with the balcony of the building. Makes me able to observe the square freely and imagine how hot the town square was being plowed like now.

“Have you returned from Surabaya?” I murmured while sighing deeply and exhaling back slowly. Ignoring the genetic mutation book in my hands and instead continuing to observe the square beside the library. July has reached the middle and the rain has stopped falling. And I think it's going to rain again in November. Ah, I realized that if I missed two things, I missed Evan and the rain.

Right, shamelessly now I dare admit that I miss that man. I miss Evan and the way the guy looks at me. I miss the gentle look that was hidden behind those glasses. Also, I miss the scent of her perfume every time the man sits next to me.

“When your heart and feelings have completely recovered, will you tell me everything?”

I don't know when I fell asleep while sitting on the library floor and hugging a biology book that I didn't even open at all. All I remember is the last time I was thinking about Evan and the last words of the man when we came home from Jendra and Hesti's wedding. Evan asked me to tell the man everything when my feelings and heart had completely recovered. And, is it time I told Evan about my true feelings for that man?

I faintly heard someone's voice right in front of me as I opened my eyes and blinked slowly. And when my eyes were perfectly opened, that smile was what I saw in front of me. A smile that I know. A smile I miss. I forgot what I was praying before I actually fell asleep to make me meet this man. It didn't seem like it was because as I remembered, I only muttered that I missed him and wanted to meet him.

“Sepi visitors, afternoon, and quiet place. Isn't that a perfect combination for sleep?”

Right, the man sitting in front of me right now is none other than Evan Adiatma whom I thought of just a moment ago. I haven't seen him in a month, and why does it feel like I haven't seen Evan in a long time? Even my eyes were hot as the man stared straight at me and our gazes met for a while.

“And I also had no idea that your reading tastes had changed from contemporary fiction to science. Genetic mutation, huh?” again my attention was stolen as Evan grabbed the book in my lap and watched it for a while. Nothing has changed from this guy.

“This may sound embarrassing, mas. But during the month of not seeing me I realized that I miss you, so I thought reading a biology book would treat my kangen a little. But I haven't even..” My breath choked and my sentence broke for a moment when Evan suddenly pulled my arm and hugged me tightly. I don't even know when this guy is moving and I was already in his arms when I realized.

“Not told you that you miss, tell me. That way I can immediately come and treat your longing.” whispered right beside my ear and made me return his embrace as I felt his embrace tighter. “You pretended to forget or how, hm?”

Two seconds I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to feel the scent of Evan's perfume so that it filled my sense of smell and treated my longing for this man.

If we weren't in the public library right now, maybe I'd hold Evan's arms a little longer. But really, we're in a place called the home of science, and two people who embrace in a place like this don't deserve to be called ‘adult and civilized. That's why I chose to signal Evan to release me from his embrace.

“I didn't pretend to forget, mas. But you never said it.” As much as I can disguise my heartbeats that are still not careless.

“I've said it. You are the forgetful.” I couldn't help but laugh when I realized Evan was throbbing because of my line of defense.

“Yes, I did say it, but not when I missed, but when I started falling in love with you.”

“What is your longing that is not a sign that you are starting to fall in love with me, Al?”

Evan asked after a while we just fell silent and exchanged glances without saying anything. And I tried so hard to string the sentence in my head to say to Evan, because the series of sentences that I had been working on since had fallen apart when Evan asked me about it. Until I took a breath and realized one thing, maybe this is the right time to tell Evan about my feelings.

“If you want to know, I have even fallen in love with an Evan Adiatma since our first meeting in this public library.”

Yes, somehow Evan will respond to the confession about my feelings and my confession afterwards, I will still say it. And in my little heart, there is one part that says that after this, there will be a new life that I will walk even though until now, I do not know who will let me walk the rest of my life.

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