DIORAMAS
1. A Decision
Yogyakarta, March 2016
“Halo?” kuhela breathed in once more as my phone connection was lifted on the second ring by someone across there. Someone whose voice I knew and someone I was thinking about a week ago. No, I mean three months ago.
“Hai,”
“Tumben you phone, what is it?” tanyanya brief. And I managed to imagine that the man was walking from his chair to the bed in the corner of the room.
Since three months ago, and I do not know why it feels like my emotions are always the most beautiful every time I talk or just exchange short messages with him. Like now, somehow it feels like I'm a typical boyfriend who wouldn't want to call his own girlfriend unless he needed some big help. And again I had to take a deep breath to regulate my feelings.
“I just got home from Jakarta,” reply me flat without answering his question. Well, because I know that if I answer the question of no importance it is the same as I destroyed my own mood which was not so good after my trip from Jakarta to Yogyakarta.
“Oh yes? When to?”
“About ten minutes ago. You have a holiday today ‘kan? Got a minute? We need to talk.” And again I was transformed into a young woman who was coming months looking for her own boyfriend with questions that I shouldn't have asked.
I know it's Sunday and she's definitely off work. And again I also know that he always has time on Sundays. I don't know, I don't know why two months ago whatever he said and said was always wrong for me.
“I’ll pick you up. Still in station ‘kan?” I just nodded like a foolish woman to answer her question. “Ehmm, fifteen minutes if ndak stuck yes. See you honey.”
“See yes,”
Really, I had thought about this before I even left for Jakarta to attend job training for the government internship program I was following. Ask him to talk and finish what we have to talk about. Ah, I don't even know what I started until I feel like I have to finish it. I just feel like there's something we need to finish today. Either our misunderstanding, or our relationship.
We're 22 years old, and I know people will definitely condemn my decision to do this. Relationships established at the age of 22 should no longer be used as a game material. And hey, no one's playing around here. I even dare say that I am a typical person who does not like something that is used as a game or a trial event.
It's just, I hope those people don't forget that keeping your heart is much more important than maintaining a relationship that somehow makes me uncomfortable. I did something that I thought would save my heart from prolonged pain. I had absolutely no idea that the decision I made could have been wrong and made me regret it until this very moment.
I'm 22 years old, and somehow I feel like an idiot who can't just make decisions with a cold head.
“This is destiny? Or,..?”
She did not renege on the promise and I also did not want to be a super selfish young woman by looking for her with unimportant questions just because she arrived late at the station.
“Twenty minutes,” I glanced at the circular leather watch on my left wrist just as a red picanto approached me sitting on the station terrace. I know what city traffic looks like on a Sunday like this and I don't want to go berserk because of the delay.
“Sorry late. Very tight turned out.” He said while putting his car keys in his pants pocket. But still even though he had apologized it did not necessarily make me smile for him. “You've eaten?”
‘Three months we did not meet, Rajendra Yudhistira.! And that's the best sentence you can say to your girlfriend?’
I wanted to shout that phrase for him. So that he knows that my chest is tight even it feels like it wants to break right now. I wanted to feel like I was yelling at him to let him know, to let everyone know how messed up our relationship was two months ago.
No, our relationship is not chaotic because one of me and Jendra is playing with fire, nor is it because of the absence of blessing from our parents. Everyone says that we are still fine and very good for the size of two people who are in a relationship.
I myself do not understand, whether I am too childish or Jendra who is so relaxed in his role as my girlfriend. Jendra was fine even though we did not meet for more than two months even though the distance of our residence was no more than half an hour away by car. While I was, I was so concerned about the intensity of our meeting that it was not uncommon for me to go berserk every time Jendra called me. Well, that's why I said that our relationship was messed up.
“You looking tired, the training went smoothly ‘kan?” and as if there was nothing wrong with our relationship, Jendra even casually stuffed a spoonful of meatballs into his mouth even though the meatballs in my bowl were not even touched.
“I asked you not to come here to talk about training, mas.”
And though I did not see it, I could feel Jendra's face changing from the movement of his right hand holding a spoon. While I was busy organizing my thoughts and turning my face away from the man.
“Alia,”
This time I dared myself to look at him and pay attention to Jendra's face which somehow changed since three months ago. Since the last time we met at the public library in late December last year Ah, maybe I was the one who was melancholy to feel that Rajendra's face looked foreign to me.
“What kind of a problem do you mean?”
And he still asked as if we were still lovers who were so happy with the flowers of love in the garden of our love.
“Tell what's messed up from our relationship, Alia.” He said after a few minutes and I was still silent without any intention of answering his question.
“And you did not realize it yet.” My murmured which I connected with a bitter smile to myself. It turned out that for tens of days I was the only one thinking about our relationship, and I kept acting like a stupid woman who endured daily heartache for dozens of days.
“How can I realize if you didn't say, Al?”
“Alright, please tell me, mas.” If this is indeed the best, I am sure after this my feelings will definitely improve. But if this is a wrong decision, then let me find time to correct this mistake. “What is normal if we even three months do not meet, while we live in the same city and area? Is it something for you that is common when two people who claim to be dating but do not mind the intensity of our meetings and communications?”
“And you have a problem with the intensity of our meeting? Oh my, Alia. After all we are not high school kids who have to meet every week and date to the city park.” This time I began to feel a dark aura coming out of Jendra's body. An aura that I have not felt for three years I know this man.yes, because all this time I know Rajendra Yudhistira as a kind-hearted man who likes to joke to make his friends laugh.
“It looks like you forgot that out there a lot of relationships that stop because of a ‘intensity meeting’.” Really, it's heavy. Heavier than I imagined. “And maybe we will be a part of them.”
“Alia,”
“I don't think it's just high schoolers who need to meet and talk a lot with their partners. I think anyone would feel careless if every day only asked ‘so what’ without really cared for by his partner.”
"Then what about Long Distance Relationship? They didn't even meet until months or years, Al. And they're fine."
This time I snorted in annoyance and lowered my head for a moment. I think I need a lot of extra oxygen right now.
"Why are you making yourself look stupid, man?"
"Al, uh,"
"Of the name alone, it's clear they're in a relationship where they and their partner live in a different city or even country, and then you make that parable for our relationship?"
No words came out of Jendra's mouth even though his face looked increasingly riled up.
But which woman is still able to care about her boyfriend's facial water when his own heart is so proud with the feeling of ‘the most true of himself’ who is entrenched so strong? I just feel like I deserve to be mad at Jendra because all this time I thought I never asked this guy anything. It's just that I forgot that when I asked for Jendra's time it meant that I was asking for something so precious from that man.
“I care about you, Al. That's why I ask every time.”
“Oh yes? Try now to ask your conscience, mas. Do you really care or just consider it an obligation? If the answer is you really care, then there is something wrong with my heart.”
It took me a few minutes until I managed to control my heart and tongue so that I did not have to keep looking for Jendra with sentences that actually never occurred to me. I did not know that an Alia who had been known to be gentle could say such a sentence to a kind man who was willing to make him a girlfriend while out there a lot of beautiful women who were so potential to be made a lover by Jendra.
“What do you want us to be like?”
“I want to stop, mas. I just realized that I've been too tired all this time.”
And, is it true that sentence that for tens of days was stuck at the tip of my tongue to make it my own? Is it really this decision I want to make to finish what I never really started?
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