DIORAMAS
11. That pain…

Yogyakarta, April 2016

“What do you want us to be like?”

“I want to stop, mas. I just realized that I've been too tired all this time.”

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I took a deep breath once more and watched the passing vehicle before me. One minute, two minutes, I forgot exactly when I got off the bus and decided to sit in this place. Just sit and do nothing like I have nothing to do.

"At least do something to distract you, Al" I still remember the advice Mika gave me two nights ago. But even though I thought about it, I still didn't come up with any ideas about something I should do.

Again I just took a deep breath and exhaled back slowly as I started counting the passing vehicles and grouping them by color like a fool. Yeah, of course I'd look so stupid and silly sitting alone in the shelter an hour ago doing nothing.

Ignoring the cloudiness that began to look increasingly dense from the north and the occasional wind blowing fiercely. Almost a month after my return from Jakarta and the end of my relationship with Jendra. And everything was still going as normal as before except for my feelings that I still had a hard time managing even though I had tried hard to do it.

Yes, the one thing I do about heartbreak, no matter how broken you feel, the world will go on as it should. I thought complaining was no use at all.

“If that has become your wish, then do I still deserve a second chance from you, Al?”

I even remember Jendra's angry face when we sat across from the coffee shop inside the station on my return from Jakarta.

“You cannot touch the same water on a flowing river, mas.”

“Tell what a man looks like.!”

I really didn't expect that at the end of the day that question Jendra would ask me at the end of our conversation that afternoon. Question about a man. A question that never even popped into my own head.

All these years I have known Rajendra Yudhistira, and I did not expect that man would ask me such a thing. A question I never thought of at all, and a question that the man accused me of cheating.

'Who would have thought that even a Rajendra Yudhistira would be able to think that far, Alia? you see how great the effects of a broken heart are?'

Jendra's heartbroken? I don't know, I'm totally incapable of guessing about how that man feels right now. Only a riled face that looks so obvious there and a riled face that Jendra shows that his pride is injured.

“Nobody, and no man whatsoever, mas.”

“What is he your trainee friend?”

“When I say there are no men, can't you accept that there are no men, mas? Can't you understand when I say I'm tired of all this?”

Although I tried so hard to hide my anger from Jendra, I still could not hide my tears in front of the man. Tears that make me look stupid and naive even though I quickly wipe away those tears.

“I'm sorry, mas. Maybe there's something wrong with my heart and let me heal my heart first. From now on I release you mas Jendra. We're friends.”

And I said it too, even though it was actually just a fingernail of all the feelings I really wanted to convey to the man. Wiped my tears once more before moving on and let Jendra mute in her place.

Even until I stepped up and dragged my suitcase away, I was sure that Jendra would still be unmoved in her seat and let me go. There was no yelling, no maki scolding, nor was there any defense that Jendra gave to maintain our relationship.

Ah, isn't that what I want? So why am I now the one who feels that man must try hard to maintain our relationship?

“Why does it feel like it's still this sick?” I muttered as I touched my own chest with my left hand. Closing his eyes and feeling a drizzle began to fall that afternoon. Misting spots that quickly turned into rain and made people around the shelter run around looking for shelter.

“Actually what's wrong with my heart?”

again, for the umpteenth time I cry like a stupid woman every time I remember what happened a month ago. Like now, instead of moving from the shelter and looking for a safer place from the rain, I just shook my seat and let the splash of rain water start to make my clothes wet.

“It shouldn't hurt this.”

Actually without asking repeatedly like this - I already know if there is something wrong between the two of us. Jendra and I are guilty even though we are both unwilling to admit our mistakes because our human egos cannot be compromised.

I also realized that as long as we started to get close to finally dating, not once did we both argue or argue strongly until we shouted or silenced each other. Never once did Jendra try to argue my argument or that man tried to defend his opinion. Even so with me who was too lazy to argue until finally just according to what Jendra said.

“That little debate is sometimes also necessary, Al. Not to prove who is right between you, but rather to strengthen the inner bond between you, well that's it.” Even Mita's words a few months ago seemed to judge me today.

True, in fact, the mistake that Jendra and I made was a big mistake that we did not consider a problem. We think giving up on each other for our partner is something good until we do not realize a gap arises from our colossal thinking. A gap that also without us knowing it widened every second until it swallowed us both into it.

“It should be the right decision. Well, you're just not used to it without Jendra, Al.”

Is it really like that? Is it true that the anger that I feel today is only a remnant of a comfortable feeling that I have been getting from Jendra? I don't know, if it's just a remnant of a taste, doesn't it have to be like this? How could I possibly define this anger as ‘ the remnant of a rasa’ if once every hour I even checked my phone and wished Jendra to send me a message?

‘You decided to run from Jendra, Al. Then why now do you expect Jendra to turn back and chase you? Why do you run if in the end you hope to be chased again?’

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