DIORAMAS
36. Missing Room

The ceiling of the light blue room became the first sight I saw as soon as I opened my eyes. I don't know when I fell asleep because as far as I can remember, Evan and I had a long conversation after the man asked me to leave the playground.

Evan refused to end our meeting and I refused to talk at home, and the last option was to leave the playground because we both needed time and space to talk. Actually I am the same, still reluctant to end our meeting because I think there are so many things we need to talk about. Although in the end we were still silent to each other throughout the trip until Evan pulled his car over the edge of the rice field area in the area of Godean which was then pitch dark.

“Where do you know about my return?” and out of the thousands of questions I had in my head, that question I was able to ask Evan.

“For two years I came close to your house every day, Al. Just so I know if you're home or not. Just so I don't bother you because last time you said you needed time alone.” My eyes even began to blur when I returned Evan's gaze that turned towards me. “Now, is the time you need to be alone enough?” and the tears fell too despite the rush.

How can I stop blaming myself for the chaos between us? I created this mess. I destroyed the wall we had built all this time. But look, Evan is still standing firmly beside the wall I destroyed and keeping it from getting destroyed. This guy is looking after her, even secretly fixing her without me knowing.

“Four times I thought that I should just give up and end everything including ending my life. I've even kept mine my room straps that I can wear whenever I feel desperate, Al.”

Like a hand squeezing my chest and making my chest feel unusually tight. Why did it take so long to realize that the one who was hurt by my decision was not just me, but Evan as well.

“But I may not be a match for death. That's why I always undo the intention whenever I'm ready to commit suicide.”

“Sorry, mom. I didn't mean to create a situation like this at all, I just..”.

Free. No matter how hard I try to explain, I will not be able to start because I have long lost my way to find the end and the beginning of my own life. Even if I keep trying to explain, only a ambiguous explanation comes out of my mouth.

“Nothing has changed despite the hundreds of days you stayed away from me, Al. Because my heart knows very well that you are the one. I don't know what your condition is.”

Two seconds I understood one thing, that for hundreds of days I escaped from Jogja and pulled over in Bandung, Evan and I were both struggling. I struggled to find a real home, and Evan struggled to be truly home for where I came home. Love does not always know where it will go.

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“Whose house?” I frowned when I realized that this was not my room and I was completely unfamiliar with this room.

A room that was twice the size of my private room in the house, and a room I guessed was not built long ago because I could still feel the smell of paint that was new, also the room is still plain and there is no decoration whatsoever. I forgot how long I had been observing this room and figuring out who the owner of this room was until the sound of the Adhan dawned on me. At 4 am, and again the dawn made me really aware that I was not home at the moment and that meant I had not been home since yesterday afternoon.

“Mas Evan,”

Last time I remember I left the playground with Evan and stopped at Godean. Having a conversation that was long enough and emotionally draining to the point that I cried uncontrollably. A cry that made me tired and fall asleep at what time.

Sure enough, after washing his face and leaving the room, the man was there. Standing in front of the window and staring out as if there was a very interesting sight out there for him. Evan just turned his eyes towards me after hearing the door behind me I closed quietly.

“Available?” she asked as she took her hand out of her pants pocket and smiled at me. Has this guy not slept since last night?

“You didn't sleep, mas?” I asked with a hoarse voice that I did not realize before, a hoarse voice that made my throat feel sore and uncomfortable. Ah, maybe it's the effect of my crying last night.

“Night I called Mita and told her that you didn't come home and stay at my house.” Said Evan without answering my question. And why does it feel like I'm talking to a stranger now? But, it's Evan's right to talk so coldly to me after everything I've done in the past.

“Where are we?” I asked again while following Evan who walked into the kitchen with my eyes, and chose to stand in front of the door of the room without intending to sit.

“Dive. Not too far from your home really, still in the area Godean.” Evan replied calmly as he prepared two cups of tea. At his house he said? Isn't Evan's house in downtown Gede?

“You drink tea in the back garden?” I was just about to ask about this house when Evan actually took me to the park behind his house.

“At first it was a bit difficult to walk with this stick, but now I'm used to it.” Obviously, even if not asked. Really, a year and a half is not a short time to get me used to my life including the fact that I have to walk with a cane. So, I didn't lie at all when I told Evan that I was used to walking with a cane.

The back garden referred to by Evan is a garden behind the house that faces directly towards the rice fields and hills directly. It made me feel the cold morning breeze as soon as I stepped out following Evan who first came out and opened the dividing door between the lounge and the back garden.

“Since when did you move house, mas?” A year and a half ago, Evan and I were two people who never ran out of chat material every time we were together. A year and a half ago, we didn't even hesitate to cut each other's voices every time we chatted. And again I realized that everything had indeed changed including me and Evan which at this moment even turned into two strangers who had difficulty finding chat material.

“Not moved, kok.” But this man is still Evan who is very clever to disguise the awkwardness between us even with just his tone of voice. “At first I wanted to move after we got married because this house was built for both of us. Not as big as papa house in Kota Gede indeed, but I think this house is more comfortable because it is far from the hustle and bustle of the city.” And Evan's breath at the end of his sentence again made me realize that I had wounded and destroyed this man for hundreds of days.

‘See this man, Al. When you choose to run, he is still in his place and waiting for you. While you were busy with your escape, Evan still had time to think about the future of you two.’

True, I also felt more and more resentful of myself for the decision I took a year and a half ago.

“I thought it would be great to spend an afternoon in this park after work. With you, with our children.” I found Evan smiling at the end of his sentence just as I turned towards him. Evan who was smiling thinly and a tinge of orange color that began to be seen from the eastern horizon, a fusion that made my eyes heat up.

Evan didn't say ‘my kids’ but the guy replaced it with ‘our kids.’ “My dream is that simple, Al. And even now my dream is still the same, living simply with you, far from frenetic, small from the hustle and bustle. And do you think my dreams are too grandiose?”

And just as Evan turned to look at me, a clear fell just like that because I could no longer hold the heat in my eyes so as not to become a cry. “Whatever way you try to run away from me, as long as I have to wait for you, the dream will remain the same.”

“Do you really think that I am the right person to accompany you to realize your dream, mas?” when was the last time I saw Evan's pair of eyes from this close and this long?

“Since I offered you a commitment and made you my fiancee, I've completely given my heart to you, Al. Do you not realize that during your escape, my heart is also you carry with you? Then how can I fall for someone else while my heart is still with you?”

Before this morning, I didn't think at all about everything Evan told me. I also do not understand either because my ego is so great or my understanding is not able to achieve such a thing. About a commitment, about the heart of someone he has given us to take care of, or we destroy. And then I took a breath and realized that I had broken the heart that Evan had left me.

“Please don't go again, Al.” I don't know when Evan got up from beside me and squatted down in front of me. “Please don't torture me like this again.” and hold that hand, when was the last time I felt a warm rumble creeping through my body as Evan tightly stroked both of my hands and grasped them as if he didn't want to escape. While I was, of course there was nothing else I could do but hold back my own sobs even though my tears were repeatedly falling.

“You deserve a companion more than me, mas. A woman more perfect than me.” Yeah, from the start, the only reason I chose to run away and pull over was because I thought Evan wasn't worthy of a disabled wife like me at all. Evan deserves more women than me. That'sallthatis.

“Do you think so?” he asked without taking his eyes off me as if Evan didn't want to get me out of his sight. “Are you going to be happy to see me with another woman? Would you be happy to see me with another woman and live with her?”

No. gabe. If just hearing such a question had made my chest tight and my heart feel burning, then what would happen if I really found Evan Adiatma living with other women?

‘Lantas what do you want, Alia? You say Evan deserves a more perfect companion than you, but you also do not want Evan to be with other women. What do you really think?’

“If marrying another woman makes you happy, then I will do it, Al.”

“No, mas. By Allah, no.”

In the end, my cry broke as well just as Evan pulled me into his arms. And at the same time I realized that my escape for a year and a half was taking me back to Evan. I ran from Evan, but in the end that man was also the place I came back to.

“Why are you so stubborn?” Not stubborn actually, it's just that my ego as a woman sometimes defeats my logic.

Maybe from the beginning it should have been like this. Accept each other and fill the empty gaps between each other without hurting each other. Ah, but isn't it that if we are equally observant, everything that happens must have a meaning even though it is sometimes hidden?

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