DIORAMAS
38. Epilogue - You
Evan
Yogyakarta, April 2017
Relationships that are only filled with sweet and romantic things only exist in romantic dramas and will not exist in the real world.
I don't know how many times I have uttered such naive words to comfort myself and convince my heart that everything will be fine and my heart will not be hurt. Since two days ago, when he chose to say it to me and I was only able to listen to every sentence he said. Words mixed with sobs.
“I want to be alone, mas. The only thing I need right now is to be alone. Without you, or anyone.”
“We face it all together. That's my promise to you, Al.”
“In what way? You know very well what my condition is now.”
“I know. I know what your condition is like and I can accept it.! When did you see I object to your condition?”
“I object, mas.!”
And that sobbing broke also a moment after the girl yelled at me. Even though I didn't see it, I'm sure he's currently trying hard to hold back his own sobs even if it's a waste.
In late April 2017, two weeks after my return from Bandung and a month before my wedding date with the girl. I should be happy with the flowers of love that are beginning to bloom in our love. We should be happy with all the hassles to plan our wedding in May.
But, I seem to have missed thinking that things can change in a matter of seconds. Just like me who suddenly crashed onto the ground even though a moment ago I felt I was still clutching with the clouds.
“No, dear. We really can get through it together. Please never say such a thing again.” and of course I am not a man ***** that will agree to the ridiculous request of his future wife. I'm still sane and of course I won't be able to release the girl from my grasp as she requests.
“Sorry, mom. I hope you find a woman more worthy to accompany you than this disabled woman.”
But in fact she was as hard as it was to maintain her own desire that I never even thought that my future wife could say the farewell sentence. Or, I alone have always been complacent with our relationship filled with flowers to be reluctant to think that even roses have thorns that can hurt my fingers at any time. And right now, it's not my finger that's hurting, it's my heart. One of the most important parts of me was broken. Not only broken, but destroyed along with a phone connection that was severed unilaterally.
Relationships that are only filled with sweet and romantic things only exist in romantic dramas and will not exist in the real world.
* * * * *
Yogyakarta, June 2017
june 10, 2017, the date on which my future wife and I were supposed to marry and change our status to a couple. A month ago, I was even still complacent about our wedding plans even though my future wife had just had an accident that left her leg broken.
Really, I don't think at all about my disabled future wife because all this time I love my future wife is not because of her perfection. I was still complacent to escape thinking about how my future wife was injured because of the accident she had. I myself how can I be so naive as to not realize what really happened to my own future wife while on the other hand I always put myself as a prospective husband who understands so much.
“Mama doesn't know who's wrong between you, Van. One thing you only realize at this time is that Alia was so injured because of the accident she had.”
“I have no problem what his condition is now, ma. I accept Alia as whatever her condition is.”
“Yes, I know your feelings will not change just because of the condition of your future wife. But, did you already think about how Alia felt as she thought about her current condition while she was about to get married? The only thing a woman wants is to be as good as herself to her partner, son.”
“Ma,”
“Mama sure, Alia absolutely does not want to part from you, Van. Whatever he says, the point is only one. Alia needs time to heal her wounded heart.”
Alia needs time to get herself healed. So, what's the way to get away from me and get me hurt? I didn't understand his way of thinking until the advice that my mother gave me was totally incapable of me. I'm angry, I'm disappointed, and I'm hurt. So selfish. I know as a man, I shouldn't have thought that Alia was really selfish and didn't think about my feelings. All I have to do is try to understand it. Merely, my broken heart couldn't just try to understand Alia and think about what she really wanted.
“You didn't follow Alia to Bandung, mas?” even Fian, my younger brother also wanted to judge his brother even though what the boy was doing was just asking.
“For what? Mbak Alia even asked mas not to look for it to Bandung.”
“I didn't know that Evan's thinking could be this short.”
I, who was still disappointed and heartbroken by the decision that Alia made after negotiating with herself, almost went up and hit Fian in the face with my right hand clenched. It's just that Fian's thin smile that the young man gave me when I turned my head made me undo my intentions and think that my little brother was just trying to give his brother some sense.
“I thought when mbak Alia asked not to be disturbed by anyone, then mas Evan will soon baranjak and follow mbak Alia.” I didn't even have any ideas to answer Fian's sentence and let my sister finish her own. “I don't know how Alia feels right now because I can't feel the sudden loss of something inside me like that. But I think, instead of being alone, all it takes for Alia at times like this is someone who can make her feel like everything is fine. And I don't see anyone else who can do that for Alia except you, mas.”
Someone who was able to convince Alia that everything would be fine. Ah, even before Fian spoke so long to me, I had already told Alia that everything would be fine no matter what the circumstances. I repeatedly tried to convince Alia that nothing had changed no matter what happened to her.
I don't know, my brain is still too messed up to think about what's really going on between me and my future wife. Also, I don't quite understand what I have to do to keep Alia from getting away and getting out of my reach.
“Mas Evan,” and my long daydreams about Alia and our relationship that I don't know now what to call suddenly just broke by a voice. A voice that should have been familiar to me so I shouldn't be this surprised just because of that voice.
“Clara,” and of course I was shocked to suddenly find a girl standing glued to the side of the sofa I was sitting on. “You..”.
“The front door is not closed, mas. I'm afraid something happened to you, so I'm sorry if I went inside your house without permission.”
And is that my mind until the door of the house I leave open? But, I think there is no man who is still fine when the day he should be married, it makes him trapped in a situation that was never even imagined in the slightest.
“What's up?” I struggled to make my voice sound ordinary in Clara's ears as she sat beside me and placed a pack on the table.
“Nothing, mas. I'm just worried about Evan.”
I'm not lying if right now, I feel like I have Alia sitting next to me, looking at me closely and gently touching the back of my hand. Even when the girl beside me smiled, I could not imagine another figure other than my future wife until I unconsciously pulled both ends of my lips and returned her smile. “I know everything that happened to Evan. And I think a woman like her is totally inappropriate to treat you like this, mas.”
I know, everyone and not only Alia, no human being has the right and right to hurt another human being because humans were not created to hurt each other. I know that concept. It's just that I'm not sure which one of me and Alia is trying to hurt because it's all too vague. Was it Alia who was trying to harm me by moving away and disappearing from my reach? Or am I the one who is scraping the wound in Alia's heart by letting her go through this difficult time alone?
Whether my feelings were still too vague or my heart was in need of escape, I didn't even realize when this girl beside me was cutting the distance between us until her right hand so brashly touched my chest. And stupidly, I did not refuse or say anything even though I began to realize that this girl beside me was not Alia. This girl is not my future wife and she is not the girl I want.
“Do not, Ra.” In the end, only that slow hiss could come out of my mouth as my consciousness recovered.
“I don't mind doing it, mas.” His whisper when our faces were even less than a handful of hands.
“Not, I mean don't mistreat my future wife with such bad words.”
“Mas,”
“I chose him to be my companion, Ra. So whatever happens, I'm the only one who deserves to judge him. Not anyone else.”
“But he decided to destroy everything, mas. Your relationship, your dreams, and your heart he has broken. Did you not realize it at all?”
I watched Clara's face, which was only two feet away from me. Paying attention to the girl's facial line which became more resolute than before, also a few strands of hair dangling beside her face. So how bad was everyone else's assessment of Alia for her decision to cancel our marriage?
“True, Alia has indeed broken my heart and become like this, Ra. But that doesn't mean he really wants to do it. I know what Alia looks like and how the girl feels.” I know very well how Clara felt about me over the past few years. The girl took heart in me and always tried to get back at her feelings even though I repeatedly showed her that I had no feelings for her at all.
“Perhaps someday you will understand that your feelings will not be that easy to lose just because of a problem like this, Ra. Once upon a time, when you have found a man who is able to reciprocate your feelings like what you expect.”
True too, in fact my feelings are indeed chaotic and my heart is seriously injured because of the decision that Alia made. It's just that I forgot to tell everyone that no matter what our current relationship looks like, my feelings are still the same. The feeling I had for Alia had not changed in the slightest. I still love Alia Pangesti as much as Evan Adiatma loves the girl who made her stop looking. Because from the beginning I gave up my heart for Alia, that's why I can't fall in love with another ability as easily as I fell in love with Alia.
* * * * *
Yogyakarta, January 2019
Almost two years I hadn't met Alia and we were both stuck in a situation that even repeatedly made me think of ending my life. Almost two years, and I forgot how many times I kept convincing myself that Alia would return to Jogja after the girl felt she had healed her wounds. Just as I still continue to convince myself that Alia will return while healing my heart which was hurt because of the girl's decision.
“Why is sir Evan so stubborn, anyway?” I even remember very well the question Sena asked me at the end of the monthly meeting we just attended. It made me take a deep breath and had no intention of answering Sena's question. “Almost two years you never contact each other and never meet.”
“And you, why so stubborn as to keep asking about something you yourself already know the answer to?”
Hard-headed, really? I also had no idea that feelings could have this much effect on my logic. I even forgot how many people had told me that my efforts to wait for Alia to return were futile. It was also about their opinion that it would be much better if I accepted Clara's feelings and started to have a serious relationship with the girl.
Perhaps for them, giving up waiting for Alia and starting to date Claran was the best option and would make me much better than before. It's just, they had absolutely no idea that the best thing I wanted to do was just wait for Alia to come back because my heart was so sure that the girl would come back.
“I didn't know that disappearing for almost two years made his head almost as hard as a rock.” At the end of October 2018, Friday afternoon and the hour should have been home when a girl in a blue toska jacket was waiting for me in the office lobby. A girl who introduces herself as Mikaila and claims to be Alia's best friend.
“What do you mean?”
“Alia is back.” For hundreds of days I wished it had been heard by my ears. And that afternoon, amid the rain that began to harden outside the canteen, the news was also heard by me. “About a week ago.”
“You mean Alia went home to Jogja?” I don't know how many feelings are currently crammed into my head and it makes me unable to put out any words even though there are actually so many questions I want to ask Mikaila. About the meaning of the news that my Alia has returned.
“It has been since the end of September Mita said, but I also just met with Alia a week ago.” is clearly a sense of annoyance that currently surrounds Mika so that maybe the girl is not aware if her right hand has squeezed a bottle of mineral water in front of her.
“That stubborn kid even kept his return a secret from me. And I probably wouldn't have known Alia was home if I hadn't seen her in the former public library a few days ago.”
“General library.” And of the many rags coming out of Mika's mouth, the word public library became a word that so caught my attention that it felt like my chest became claustrophobic all of a sudden. How not if reality tells me that the public library holds so many memories between me and Alia. Our first meeting place, the place where I fell in love with the girl, was also the place where Alia confessed that the girl had fallen in love with me. The last thing I know is that the public library was moved about a year ago and I've never visited that place again.
But in fact meeting Alia is not an easy matter because the girl still avoids even though we have returned to live in the same city. That afternoon, in early November 2018 after returning home from work, I decided to meet Alia at her home.
“Mum has tried it, son.” Although from the beginning I could have guessed that the girl would refuse to meet me, but still hearing from mother broke my heart for the umpteenth time. Doesn't there be any longing that girl feels for me?
“Please forgive Alia, Van. There's not much we can do other than obey what Alia wants.” Even mbak Raya, Alia's sister-in-law also apologized for her sister-in-law. No, no one needs to apologize here because mistakes don't belong to anyone.
“No, mas. By Allah, no.” and that morning at the end of November 2018, the morning when the orange light began to appear and the sun slowly rose, the girl confessed. After hundreds of days the girl lied to her own feelings, that morning with tears coming down she confessed to me, as well as to herself.
“Why are you so stubborn?”
When was the last time I hugged this girl and let her cry in my arms without her holding on and feeling alone? When was the last time I hugged this girl and understood that all this time, she wasn't okay? Ah, I even neglected to think that for hundreds of days since Alia made that decision, she was also hurt so deeply.
“Do not cry. From now on, no matter what happens I will never let go of you, baby.”
Until we arrive today, early January 2019 the date on which the year changed and the date on which I decided to change me and Alia into us. Yes, because of my selfishness that did not want to lose Alia for the second time, I even decided to have our wedding on January 1.
“Alhamdulillah,” it feels like a sense of tightness that I feel since hundreds of days ago just out when I found a girl in a white bride dress coming out of the house after the ijab qabul event is finished. Alia Pangesti, the girl who stole my attention on the porch of the office, the girl who stole my eyes on me on the sidelines of the books in the public library, also the girl who had made me fall in love so deeply. My wife's.
It felt like everything we had been through was nothing compared to the euphoria I felt when the girl kissed the back of my hand with reverence. Also when I tucked our wedding rings in her ring finger, all the pain I ever felt was instantaneous. And I understand one thing, that everything I experienced was not in vain even though it was pain that I always felt.
“God decides everything, mas. Our realm as humans is just trying.”
I don't know when Alia said that word to me. But again I realize one thing, that our realm as humans is only limited to planning until the decision of God to determine. Just as Alia and I were planning a marriage, but God wanted it not to be the best time for us.
There is still so much we need to know that Allah stall everything until He feels that I and Alia are old enough. Until Alia and I understood that life is not just about you and me who live happily ever after.
* * * * Done * * * *
