DIORAMAS
26. Gathering

Like deja vu, when I stopped in the hallway near the exit and sat in one of the concrete chairs beside the passage.

Like deja vu, as I turned towards the entrance of the train station and waited for someone to appear and approach me.

But no, this is not deja vu because I did do this a few months ago. Early March 2016, when I just returned from Jakarta and waited for Jendra to come pick me up. I even sat in the same concrete chair as when I was waiting for Jendra. What differentiates me is my feelings. While I was waiting for Jendra, my feelings were so messed up that it felt like my saliva was bitter as I tried to swallow it. But right now, it somehow feels so light as if I'm really sure that the one I'm waiting for is coming.

But he did come, right at 06:00 as I glanced at my watch and a black outlander entered the parking area and a man walked out the steering wheel door. The man who had been since my departure a few months ago never stopped thinking, and he who was currently running small towards me and waved his right hand.

For two seconds I thought that why do I feel that the man who is currently running small towards me and waving his right hand towards me is Jendra? Just two seconds before the third second I realized that the man was not Jendra but Evan. Yes, the man who at some point pulled me into his arms and almost made me cry is not Jendra but Evan.

“Miss you so bad,”

And take a breath then I actually cry until snot starts filling my nose. Reply to Evan's embrace and do not care if later the polo shirt worn by the man will be dirty because of my actions.

“Kok crying? He said kangen, but once I met even cry.” Ledek Evan after releasing his embrace and wiping my face with his thumb. It made me laugh even though I still laughed a little at the end. Right, did I miss Evan so much that I had to cry when he hugged me?

“Too miss may.” It was my timpal that made Evan laugh until some people turned their heads towards us. It made me pinch Evan's waist and the man laughed again before taking me to his car.

______________

“I've only been away for less than six months, but why does it feel like it's been a long time since I left Jogja?” ask me origin while circulating my gaze towards all corners of the square that I can reach with my view. Grabbing my warm tea glass and sipping it a little before observing Evan who looks so enjoying the vegetable spoon in front of him.

Right, instead of driving me home for a break because I had just traveled a long way, Evan took me away from the station on the pretext of finding breakfast. Rejecting the reason ‘I have breakfast on train’ and keep driving his car towards the square where there are a lot of food vendors in the morning.

“Of course because in Jogja you leave the people you care about.” Timpal Evan who subconsciously made me give me a thin smile and came back to notice the man who had finished his breakfast and pressed down on the contents of his sweet tea glass. “That's why it feels like you want to go home soon.”

“Once,” my actual murmur was addressed to myself. Sighing for a short breath and looking back around the square before my gaze fell upon a woman sitting not far from me and a young man sitting beside her. Veiled woman.

“Sofia,” muttered again, this time maybe a little harder until Evan turned to me and followed my gaze. True, the woman I see today has indeed reminded me of the figure of Sofia, the daughter of Ummi Hamidah.

“You know?” asked Evan who seemed to be aware of who I was looking at.

“Who?”

“Women veiled it.”

“Oh, no really, mas. Just remembered friends in Bandung.”

“There is your veiled friend?” ask Evan again. It's just that this time it's like there's a tone of voice I don't like coming out of Evan's mouth. A tone of voice that might have been ordinary to the man, but somehow it sounded like it was so disdainful in my ears.

“Ya, son of the owner of my bed, mas. She is only 19 years old, and if the pot is out she must be acting like my sister.” It was obviously me who was accompanied by a small laugh at the end of my own sentence. But I'm not bragging because that's the situation between me and Sofia. The boy even held back my return and said that I should not return to Jogja for more than three days. A request that made me laugh and pinch both of his cheeks.

“You guys are that close?”

“Iya, even yesterday when Sofia met her ngaji teacher to talk about the proposal, she invited me you know.”

“Lamaran?” I don't know what's wrong with my words to make Evan look so shocked.

“There was a man who applied for ta’aruf application with her and Sofia discussed it with her ngaji teacher. That's.” I replied nonchalantly because I was uncomfortable with the topic of the chat I started myself.

“Do you think a relationship as serious as marriage can go well if both partners just know each other for a few weeks, and then they get married?” evan asked after a while we were silent and allowed the noise of the square to fill the gap between us. I was busy watching the veiled woman with the man beside her and Evan who was noticing what.

“Didn't after getting married they both have so much time to get to know each other?”

True, I also do not know since when my view of a relationship is no longer as narrow as it used to be. In the past, I thought the longer a couple knew each other, the happier their marriage would be. It's just that, I'm remiss in the fact that sometimes there are some things that someone hides and they keep for themselves and don't like to share them with others even with their own lovers.

“So, if we get married in the near future will not be a problem for you?”

“Hah?” and this time I actually tested my own saliva hearing Evan's question.

“What are you talking about anyway, mas?” what I'm worried about is that Evan could be having a problem or is facing a big problem in the office that has a huge impact on his mental health.

“I'm talking about us, Al. If indeed you agree, me and my family can immediately come home to propose to you.”

“Seriouslly, yes? No man is that relaxed talking about the plan ‘lamaran’ with a woman.”

“Because I'm sure of what I'm talking about, baby. So what am I hesitating for?”

And this time, I even lost a sentence that was actually at the tip of my tongue. Choosing to swallow those words back and return Evan's gaze that somehow felt foreign to me. No, actually it's not Evan's gaze that feels foreign, it's just that I'm not ready if I have to talk about such an important thing even though I'm actually not sure if what Evan is talking about is not a joke. But really, talking about a proposal isn't something I'd like to talk about in the morning after I've just traveled a long way.

* * * * *

But even though the topic of my conversation with Evan really made me lose my words, it was so easy and natural that Evan removed that awkwardness and made the atmosphere again pleasant with his story during my time in Bandung. Well, although actually my feelings are still not careless, but at least I can breathe a little relief. At the end of our meeting I even had time to ask Evan to come at the wedding of Mita today, and of course agreed with pleasure by Evan.

“I was serious about what I was talking about in the square, Al.” I even remember how Evan looked like when he told me that right when I was about to drag my suitcase into the house. It made me undo my intentions and look back at Evan after previously taking a slow breath.

I don't know if Evan really meant it or if the guy was just joking because he had a hard time starting a conversation with me. Although I actually never found Evan who seemed to have trouble starting a conversation with me and we always had a lot to talk about.

“Mas,”

“Do you doubt because all this time I have never declared myself as a man who has the status of your girlfriend?” and it was that question that made me swallow all the words that were actually at the tip of my tongue until I had trouble swallowing my own saliva. How could Evan know what had filled my mind along the way?

“No, mas. That's not what I think.”

“Then?”

“You know I'm a person who sometimes hesitates on himself, so, can you please give me time to think?”

“Deliver also my intentions to father and mother.” Say Evan again as he touched the top of my head and took a deep breath. If this man has dared to carry the name of father and mother, then do I still deserve to doubt his good intentions to propose to me? But, is something as serious as a proposal can indeed be discussed so casually as Evan who looks so relaxed and confident when expressing his intentions to me?

“Name Aditya, tea. Abah and Ummi have seen the cv he sent and you have agreed. If ummi gives up all the business to abah and then asks me. If I agree, then it will continue, if I do not agree with Aditya, then it is all done here, teh.”

Even a piece of my conversation with Sofia the other day after we got back from Dago and stopped by one of the ice cream parlors came back in my head. It made me take a deep breath and observe my own reflection on the big glass before me. Watching a young lady with long, golden-yellow thistles look beautiful this afternoon.

“Isn't the proposal such a big thing and concerns your life after this, Sof? So, why are you so sure of a proposal from a man that even you yourself have never seen?” my much at that time. Even my thinking as a 23-year-old woman was inferior to that of a young girl like Sofia.

I don't know, maybe my understanding is still so narrow with the ancient concept that a man can only propose to a woman who has been in his relationship for a long time. A stupid thought that made me smile wryly and laugh at myself.

“Later we have plenty of time to get to know each other, tea. The most important thing is not to linger dissolved in the relationship that God forbid.”

Again Sofia's answer made me realize that I was the one who was still so old-fashioned with such thoughts.

“If that is indeed the goodwill of Evan, why don't you accept it, Al? Or do you choose to linger in an unclear relationship while you also know that you are both adults?” and mom's answer two days ago got me stuck. It's grown up together, and why I've been aware of it for so long that you have to remind me and make my heart break with shame. A 23-year-old woman and a 27-year-old man no longer deserve a relationship called ‘dating’.

“Mother don't mind if in a few days Evan and his family come home?” many doubt.

“Of course not, nduk. Which parents would mind if there was a man who was so sincere about proposing to his daughter?”

Just as I opened my eyes, the door to my room was knocked on by someone and I saw that my mother was tidy with the same dress as me and standing on the doorstep. Told me I should get off because the show was about to start and I had to join Mita.

“Bismillah, hopefully the answer I give you later is not the answer that will make you disappointed, mas.”

Today is Mita who is getting married. Then why am I the one who feels nervous is not this way, anyway?

* * * * *