DIORAMAS
23. One Step
Bandung, December 2016
At ten o'clock forty-six minutes when I finally shifted my phone screen and glanced at the digital clock listed there. Breathing a sigh of relief and wriggling when I was sure that the work I had to do tonight was done and I could go to bed feeling calm. Closing my laptop screen and crawling up the bed while opening a message I received an hour ago from someone. Well, who else is the one who so routinely sends me messages other than Evan Adiatma who is still asking when I come home to Jogja.
Bandung has been raining since this afternoon, what about Jogja?
Four months and ten days, and it felt like it was only yesterday afternoon that I got off the train and entered the multi-storey building where I am currently working. Either I was so easy to feel at home living in Bandung or Bandung who accepted me so well that it felt like I found a second home after Jogja. And of course the rain is still a very interesting topic for me to make chat material.
It also rained. I didn't pay much attention because I was so busy completing a new project that had to be completed by the end of this year.
Oh, oh, did I just give a distraction to a busy person?
Of course not, honey. And may I know why you haven't slept at this hour?
Some work must be completed immediately, or if it is not completed then the manager will not give me a year-end leave. Wouldn't it be terrible if I couldn't go back to Jogja later this year?
Really? So it has been decided that you will return to Jogja and not me who visited Bandung?
Yes, after all, I would be very angry if I did not come home on the wedding day Mbak Mita.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment before reopening them just to observe the ceiling of my room. Four months, and not much has changed from being an Alia Pangesti other than her busier days after the completion of my training time at the office.
The calendar has entered December and rain has started to fall every day and sometimes down from morning to night. My relationship with the people in Jogja is also still going very well even though some people I can't contact at all times. But of course there is someone who is always connected to me every day other than mom even though what we are talking about is not really important. Yes, of course that person is Evan who is currently exchanging messages with me.
I'll wait for your return then.
Kangen you, mas.
Miss you so bad.
How was my relationship with that guy? I honestly can't answer if anyone asks me that question because I don't really understand my relationship with Evan. I don't know when exactly we became closer and didn't hesitate to express our feelings for each other. Countless Evan called me ‘sayang’ and I who absolutely did not mind being called that, also about the longing that I no longer keep for myself.
I don't yet understand what it means that my relationship with Evan has taken on a new dimension or we are still walking on the same stairs with different feelings. But even so, there was still a disturbing feeling that I felt every time considering the treatment Evan gave me and the status of our relationship.
‘Perhaps I should ask Evan for an explanation if we meet later.’
I don't know how many times I've mumbled that line to myself since I realized that my relationship with Evan was already on a new dimension. It's just that every time I mutter, every time that wish is forgotten just like I never thought about it.
I just turned off the light and was about to walk to the bathroom when my phone vibrated and made me undo the intention. Frown when you realize the name on that four-inch screen before sliding the screen to receive the call.
“Halo, mas.”
“It turns out that exchanging messages with you cannot reduce my sense of longing, Al.”
“Then, what can I do to reduce your longing, chairman sir?” ask me while laughing and back sitting on the edge of the bed. Exactly eleven o'clock at night when I glanced at the wall clock in my room, and I had a chance to guess what Evan was doing these nights.
“Then?”
“Then, all you can do is probably just listen to me talk for a few minutes and let me hear your voice. Fair enough?” from the sound of her breathing, I guess Evan had just crawled up onto her bed like I had just done.
“Then can I hear how Evan is doing today? Maybe there's an interesting story I need to hear.”
“Besides me who really misses you, there is nothing interesting, Alia. You know for yourself I'm not a typical person who likes the dramas of life like that.”
I don't know what's really funny from Evan's line that I have to laugh like this. But really, it felt like every time the man spoke or just said a sentence, it was enough to make me laugh. Like now.
“What kind of drama? Did I just ask if there was anything interesting today? Maybe there is a new employee in the office or something.”
“Jeez, why do I remember now, Al?”
“Hemm? Did I just make you remember something, mas?” I asked sarcastically because actually without asking, I already knew that I had just made Evan remember something that he might have forgotten before
“I just remembered that I have to prepare training materials for tomorrow the day after tomorrow.”
“Training material?”
“For apprentices in planning division.”
“I did not know that the task of the team leader also includes providing training materials for students who are interns. You have a heavy job apparently mr. chairman.” The real Godaku aims to disguise my surprise when he hears the word ‘blowjaw’ coming out of Evan's mouth.
True too, although I do not admit it, not infrequently I think about the life of Evan after my move to Bandung. I often think about the man who might be in a relationship with a woman even though at the same time Evan always bragged about our relationship.
“Maybe it will be a little lighter if you are here,” replied Evan who made me not know what to reply to. It's just, Evan who was laughing just across the street made me take a breath without me noticing. “After night, you slept yes. Maybe I should delay my bedtime for another hour or two.”
“Do not sleep past one hour in the morning, mas.”
Actually, when did I start demanding a certainty from my relationship with Evan? I didn't know and didn't even understand when I started wishing more on the man and thinking about the hundreds of possibilities in our relationship. I began to hope that in Jogja there Evan kept a distance with the girls around him and did not establish any relationship with them because in fact the man had been attached to me.
A bond I formed myself, even without Evan's knowledge and without the man's consent. A bond I negotiate with myself and the fruit of my selfishness. True, in fact I was already so selfish by admitting a bond with Evan even though there was actually no bond between the two of us.
“You should immediately gather the courage to ask him, Al.”
In the past, I first confessed to Evan about my feelings, and now do I also have to ask first about our relationship? And I forgot when I really did sleep with the thought of my relationship with Evan.
And when I started to realize, it's all gone too far for me and Evan that it would be weird if I suddenly asked about the clarity of our relationship as if we were still two people who were just about to climb a new dimension a relationship.
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