DIORAMAS
35. Liver Repetition
Yogyakarta, November 2018
Exactly one month I returned home to Jogja after a long time in Bandung. And I didn't know that I really missed my birthplace. It made me close my eyes and take a deep breath when I realized that 2018 was crawling towards the end and the rain was also falling more and more.
After so many days of choosing to crouch in the house and rejecting all calls to leave the house, I finally came out today. The warm atmosphere in the afternoon and the temptation to enjoy the leaves of the mahogany tree that is falling in the playground can no longer be resisted.
“It used to feel like the distance from home to the park is not so far.” mumbled me while smiling faintly when I realized that with a stick, the, my steps became slower than when I was still able to run after Lili to this playground. Ah, I'm not in the mood right now, so let my steps be slow, since a year and a half ago I've been like this.
But still the desire not to mengelodrama just came out when I realized that this playground holds so many memories of mine. This place I got Jendra's call the day I received the man's wedding invitation with Hesti.
In this swing Evan and I often spent our afternoons because I was too lazy to go out. And the mahogany tree in the corner of the garden, I don't know how many times I've waited for Evan to come under the mahogany tree while finishing the book I haven't finished reading. A place never escapes his memory.
“How about Jendra, Ka?”
Rajendra, no matter how annoying the man was in the past, no matter how much hurt he had given me in the past, I still asked him the news as soon as I returned to Jogja. Mika, who was visiting my house two weeks after my return, even had a tantrum because of my question.
“You should ask about others, Al. Not about Jendra.!”
How can I ask about someone else if just thinking about it my chest feels tight and my tongue becomes twisted? How should I ask about him?
“Hest give birth to their first child five months ago.” Mika replied in the end despite having to sigh many times.
I forgot to say it, but Mika even had time to come to me in Bandung and rampage because I disappeared and Mika took up to two months to get information about me. Letting the girl look for me with her string of sentences that even difficult to quantify because it was mixed with emotions that Mika did not manage well. It's just, I know one thing, that Mika is worried about me.
“Farhan may be marrying Desta mid next year.” Mika's unrelenting side made me put on a thin smile.
Rajendra has become a father. Farhan has invited Desta. Mika who has returned to Jogja and become a private teacher. Also Kamila who was married to Dion five months ago. I didn't know that in the year and a half of my escape, there were so many things I missed.
True too, everything will still go as it should with the presence or absence of me. For the earth will not cease to spin just because I choose to stop. Everything has changed. Except for my heart that still survives in disrepair.
“Mas,”
I had just grabbed a stick beside me and was about to return home when my gaze was turned to someone standing under a mahogany tree in the corner of the garden not far from me. A man who looked so relaxed leaned his body against the mahogany tree and folded his hands in front of his chest. A man who is now in a fight with me and a man who for hundreds of days I have never stopped thinking about. He who for hundreds of days was the reason I regretted, and he who for hundreds of days unceasingly made me mutter apologies even though he was never reciprocated.
‘Don't come here, please don't come here and go home.’
But, as if the universe was reluctant to grant my wish until the man still walked closer to me even though I had cast the spell. He walked towards me so calmly. Contrary to me who even has trouble controlling my heartbeat so I feel like I want to run and get away before he can get in front of me.
True too, for hundreds of days I did run from everyone including from this man. But in reality the only thing I wanted in my escape was for him to come after me. I ran, but I just wanted to be chased.
Right now, when the distance between us was just two steps away, the only thing I wanted to do was smile at him. Smile and ask what is going on just to make the man feel that he is not dealing with strangers. Because however I ran and away from him, in the past we were still two people who had knit the same dream. Evan Adiatma, in fact in the past this man became a person who so tightly grasped my hand as if he did not want to let go. Our heart degub was once in rhythm and our gazes were unidirectional even though in the end I chose to stay away and stop exchanging greetings.
I just wanted to smile and see her smile back, it just seemed like my brain and heart were not getting along until my heart was reluctant to hear my brain's orders to smile. Not reluctantly actually, I was just not ready and did not know what to do when I suddenly found her standing a step ahead of me and realized her fixed gaze towards me.
Oh no, what's with that look? Why does it look so sad? Or, I alone feel alien because for hundreds of days not seeing that gaze?
“Before I say much, do you still want to run away from me, Al?”
I don't know how many minutes Evan and I just kept quiet and let the frictional sound of mahogany leaves and the roar of the vehicle fill the gap between the two of us before Evan asked me that. Questions I couldn't answer and questions that made me smile.
“How are you, mas?”
How many days I have wanted to ask this man. How many days I've wanted to hear from her and make sure she's okay. I wanted to know the news after my escape, but it seemed that my ego was still so big that I never asked for news for hundreds of days.
And right now, seeing him standing before me without one less was enough to make me breathe a sigh of relief. Even though I didn't know how Evan felt after my escape, I was still grateful to see him doing well.
“I want to say that I am fine, that I am happy, and tell you that I am not hurt at all.”
I don't know when Evan came forward and cut the distance between us. By the time I realized, the man had already hugged me so tightly as if I would fly away if not hugged like that. “I'm not okay, Al. I'm not okay at all.” whispered without intending to let go of my embrace. “I'm not happy, I'm hurt, and I miss.”
Hundreds of days I've always tried to imagine the life of Evan Adiatma after my escape from that man. Imagine Evan would live his life normally before he met me.
Imagining Evan finding my successor and they will be happy, as well as the shadows of the life of an Evan Adiatma that I have perfectly described. But today, the image of Evan's life shattering just like that of a sand castle swept away by the waves. The reeds are not left. The man who hugged me right now was not a man who had been happy with his life. The man who hugged me right now was the man who was devastated by the decision I made a year and a half ago.
“Please stop torturing me like this, Al.”
And before this, I had absolutely no idea that the decision I made a year and a half ago had hurt this man so much.
“Sorry, mas.”
After hundreds of days passed with an unrequited apology, will my apology this time be accepted? Ah, it's so easy that I apologize after the mistakes I've made all this time.
* * * * *
