DIORAMAS
14. End of Limit
I stared at the goal of the invitation in front of me even though I had no intention of touching it. A light brown invitation with a batik accent and a dry flower decoration in the top corner caught my attention since Farhan put it in front of me.
An hour ago, I found Farhan sitting on the porch of my house upon my return from lunch with Evan. Lunch that even took almost two hours and Evan who missed work for an hour.
“Who's invited, Han?” I asked in the end while watching Farhan sip the coffee I made for him.
“Ndak know, Al. Yesterday afternoon Andy left me only two invitations. One for you and one for me.” There was clearly a feeling of sympathy from Farhan's voice when answering my question. And I don't have to ask why that guy feels that way. “I think you guys are fine.”
No wonder Farhan could ask me that question because all this time Jendra and I had hardly ever talked about our relationship. It was as if we were just going through everything for ourselves and letting others think we were still okay.
“We, I mean me and Jendra are fine, Han.” I reluctantly grabbed the invitation card and opened it. Pay attention to the first sheet that contains portraits of two people I already know, I know very well and the second sheet contains a description of when and where the event will take place. The wedding of two people whose portraits fill the first sheet of the invitation. “Me and Jendra are friends and we are indeed fine.”
“Al,” I know hard-earned Farhan tried to find the right sentence for me even though in the end the man was only able to mutter my name. Yeah, so did I who did not expect that this afternoon will get an invitation for Jendra's wedding with Hesti.
Right, I got an invitation to attend the wedding reception of Rajendra Yudhistira and Hesti Prasetya in the second month me and Jendra broke up. Isn't that something that's so great that I have a reason to re-enact? But I don't think I'm going to rally after this because I feel something deeper than the turmoil I felt two months ago.
Like there is something that Jendra is trying to pour on the wound of my heart that has not healed properly. And it was so painful that I even had trouble finding a definition of what I was really feeling.
“Who are you coming with, Han?” I was trying to warm up the cold atmosphere between me and Farhan. I thought my friend was inappropriate for me to be the object of turmoil so I had to reveal a series of useless sentences to Farhan and make this man confused. That was why I chose to laugh blandly which made Farhan frown even more.
“You do not have to come if you do not want to come, Al.” said Farhan without answering my question. I don't really care who Farhan is going to come to Jendra and Hesti's wedding either because I don't know if I have the courage to come or not.
“I'll come, Han.”
“Then you can come with me.”
“You have an obligation to invite Desta, not bring me.” Although I chuckled as I said it, it was really just a fake laugh that even Farhanpun felt that my laughter was fake and strange. “Not to worry like that.”
“I'm worried about your feelings, Alia.”
“Jendra didn't even feel the slightest bit anxious when sending this invitation to me, Han.” But no matter how much I held back my anger and tears, in the end the clear speck fell in front of Farhan as well.
Ah, who cares about Farhan's taunts after this? After all, he was just Farhan whom I had known for over three years. “They're getting married even though Jendra said that Hesti was just his past. She didn't think about my feelings at all, Han. So I don't think you should worry about how I feel either.”
“And you wept for the man who..” I looked at Farhan who was like having trouble finding his sentence and casting his face off from me. “Entai stupidity what is really in your brain, Alia.”
A stupidity? Yes, I knew I had done something stupid before Farhan even reminded me of that. If Farhan alone had realized my stupidity, then what could I expect from myself to deal with a situation like this?
“Come with someone if you really want to come. “ said Farhan after a few minutes no one spoke either me or the man. “And you can still invite me anytime without worrying about Desta.”
No, I'm not worried about Desta at all and don't even think about the girl at all. I just made up a sentence because I had trouble finding a sentence to say to Farhan myself.
Just when Farhan disappeared behind the first alley of my house, my phone shook and made me frown while reading the name on my phone screen. Makes me undo the intention to enter the house and actually walk out the fence and go to the playground that is usually used by children playing in the afternoon.
“Halo, Al?” greet the voice across there even though I have not said my greetings like I usually do. For now I can't say hello to him or my voice will sound strange because of the sobs I started to hold. “Alia?”
“I'm here.” as hard as I can hold my voice to sound as flat as possible. Really, I don't think any woman was okay when a few minutes ago received a wedding invitation from her ex-boyfriend, and now her ex-boyfriend called her. Yeah, the man I'm talking to right now is Jendra.
“I heard from Andy you received the invitation?”
“Ya.” And just as I looked down at my red sandals, my tears fell and I couldn't stand it. It felt like I had just stepped on a mine when I realized Jendra's voice had even changed while talking to me. What do I expect from a man who is getting married in a week?
“Not come.”
“If you asked me not to come, then why did you give me an invitation, mas?”
“It wasn't me who invited you. Tya did it.” This time I could not help but snort and wipe my tears violently.
“Then you also have no right to forbid me from coming. I came to fulfill the invitation of Nesti.”
“Please, Alia, don't come.! My marriage with Tya is not something that matters to you ‘kan?”
“Why are you so anxious that I will come to your wedding with Nesti, mas?” so heavy. It felt like I was lifting a heavy load when I said ‘your marriage to Nesti’. “You're worried I'll act stupid and ruin your marriage? Really, mas Jendra, I am not a typical woman who is so fond of such drama.”
“I know, Alia. I know you're not some crazy woman who's gonna act stupid at my wedding and Tya's. I just....” I am still silent waiting for Jendra to finish his sentence without intending to interrupt. “I'm worried about your feelings.”
Almost a full minute Jendra and I silenced each other and let the man's breath fill our gap.
“I'm fine, mas. I'll attend your wedding party, as a friend.”
So this is the end of my feelings for Jendra?
So this is the answer to the anger I've been feeling all along?
The excitement I had even felt before I decided to stop being in a relationship with Jendra. I will not accuse Jendra of being a brash man and swear at him. I would just say that I have no regrets for having made limits to my feelings towards that man.
And I think it's time I walked off the line and moved on to another feeling.
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