DIORAMAS
33. Word Edge
Three seconds I held my breath as my eyes opened and felt all sorts of feelings at the same time. My eyes were hot and sore, my throat was dry, my stomach was nauseous, and my body was stiff. I even had trouble moving my head to look. It feels like I've been sleeping in the same position for a very long time.
‘In hospital, yes.’ My inner being for more than three seconds I was just observing the ceiling where I was lying at the moment.
I remember what happened to me before, until now I can even guess where I am. Yes, of course people who have just had an accident will end up in two places, a hospital bed or a burrow. And I held my breath for another second when I realized that God was still giving me one chance until I ended up in the hospital after the accident that hit me yesterday.
“Alia,”
‘Thank God I didn't forget the memory.’ I even had time to grimace in pain when trying to look at Mita's mother who was standing right next to my bed.
Again, it took me a few seconds to digest the look on my sister's face right now. When a sister finds her only sister lying like a sick person on a hospital bed.
“Alhamdulillah you are aware, Al.”
It felt like something was poking my back and making me short of breath when suddenly Mita rubbed the top of my head and kissed me on my forehead. No, what makes my chest tight is not because of what Mita did, but because I felt tears mbak Mita fell wet my face. Brother's crying. After all these years, this is the first time that Mita has been honest with me about her feelings.
“Mbak,”
“For a while please call the doctor first, yes. Mom and dad just came out for dawn prayers.” Mita's whisper before she touches my forehead again and passes.
And just as the door of my nursery was closed from the outside by Mita's mother, my eyes heated up and a clear speck fell also in the corner of my eye. This time it was not because of Mita's attitude towards me, but because of someone I currently see sleeping while sitting in the corner of the room. A man who looks so good in his sleep even from his face alone I can guess how tired he is.
“Mas,” though no sound came out of my mouth other than a hiss, but the man got up as well and fixed the exact location of his glasses did not change at all. And somehow his movements while correcting the location of his glasses made me smile thinly.
“Al? baby you're sober?” just like Mita, this man also saw me holding back tears as soon as he stood right beside my bed and stroked my forehead with his hands that felt cold on my skin. “Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah darling.” The words of gratitude even he repeated up to three times. And now I really want to ask you exactly how bad was the accident until everyone was this hot on me? “I thought I'd lose you.”
“Why does everyone cry when I wake up, mas?” I asked with a hoarse voice that made my voice even sound strange in my own ears.
Just as Evan kissed my forehead, it felt like my chest was getting tighter and the heat in my eyes could no longer hold until the heat was transformed into a clear speck that just fell on my face.
“It's okay, we're all just too happy to see you wake up, baby.”
That smile, as well as the look in his eyes from behind those glasses, how long had I not seen him from this close distance? As far as I can remember, early last year Evan even decided to take me to Bandung and I drove the man to the train station. Yes, as I remember it, I was with Evan all day and we just separated when the train that Evan was riding left for Jogja. Ah, maybe my feelings are too sentimental to feel that I miss Evan so much.
“Mas,”
“Ya?”
I was just about to ask about when Evan was in Bandung when my ward door opened and a man walked in with a woman who was both in a light blue uniform. Behind him I saw the father who was followed by his mother and mother Mita.
“Alia,” is typical of doctors in general who greet their patients so kindly as if the patient has just returned from a school picnic. “Look amazing, how do you feel?” doctor Aslan Subagyo, at first glance I looked at the name on the identification mark that hung on the pocket of the man's white coat who was checking me out. Carefully and carefully Aslan's doctor examined every detail he needed to know to be recorded by the young woman next to him.
“Excellent, doc.” I swallowed my bitter saliva and made my throat ache to answer Doctor Aslan's question.
“Hmm?”
“Kaku.”
I don't know what's so funny about my answer that Aslan's doctor chuckles before going back to check my left wrist.
“Kaku is the first and reasonable complaint for a patient who has just been in a coma for eight days.”
“Eight days?” I asked Dr. Aslan. The question that made me frown until I felt my two eyebrows that were close to meeting each other. Coma for eight days. I even held my breath before closing my eyes and sighing deeply as I imagined how my family and Evan would feel when I was unconscious for eight days.
“Mother,” called me after opening my eyes and feeling my eyes heating up, and the heat really incarnated into tears as mom approached me and stroked the top of my head.
“Iya, nduk. Mother here.”
“Sorry already made mom worry.”
It feels like there's an euphoria I should be trying right now. Euphoria was held for eight days and almost made my whole family even reluctant to swallow their own saliva because they were so worried about my condition.
An euphoria that I must strive for because I realize, God still gives me the opportunity to regroup and feel the warmth in the midst of my family. Even my father, who had always had trouble expressing his feelings this morning, smiled so sincerely as I turned his head towards him. A thin smile spread on his face and mixed with the hue of worry that was still left there.
“Alia, try moving both your legs.”
It should have been something ordinary if Dr. Aslan had not said it in such an anxious tone. Ever since I opened my eyes a few minutes ago, I knew there must be a serious wound on my left leg that had to be slashed to the knee. And yes, I even had the chance to think that my left leg was broken or at least sprained.
“Batah ya doc?” I asked in a relaxed tone while watching my left leg being examined by Doctor Aslan.
“We will soon have a detailed check for your left foot yes.”
I don't know what my family and Evan are thinking because I don't pay attention to them. It's just that, from the way Evan sighed deeply and the way he held my hand, I knew that this man was very anxious. I questioned my own psyche, which somehow calmed down even though Aslan's doctor clearly hinted that there was something wrong with my left leg that I couldn't deliver.
‘After dealing with life and death, you will greatly appreciate every breath you have afterwards.’
I don't know who said that, but I'll justify it. After feeling his hunger faced with death, it seemed that the anxiety that appeared on the face of Doctor Aslan was not something to be afraid of. The fact that God still gives me a chance to live is something I should be grateful for and I don't want to tarnish that gratitude by grumbling because of the condition of my feet.
“All will be fine, mas.”
“Yes, all will be fine.”
Don't smile like that. Smile like my Evan used to smile.
* * * * *
Whether because of my feelings that have remained numb since these four days or indeed other than my heart, my skin became numb. I still want to be here and I don't want to go back to my hospital room even though a few minutes ago a nurse asked me to come back. On the grounds that I still wanted to be outside the room, I even rejected the lady's nurse's invitation with a slight raise of voice. Since four days ago, I have been screaming a lot.
“All will be fine.” I murmured to myself while looking at my left leg which was still being rebounded even though it was not knee high.
Yes, in the end, the bad news reached me as well. The news that my left leg was broken and permanently deformed unless I took the option to replace something broken inside my left leg. I don't know, I'm not a chiropractor and I don't know for sure what Dr. Aslan said because when the man explained it to me, my head was full of statements that after this, after this, Alia will be transformed into a disabled girl who needs a cane to walk. All I know is I have to have surgery so I can get back to walking.
“Operation is indeed the best choice, ma'am. But such an operation also requires a cost that is not small.”
Maybe Mita thought I was asleep and couldn't hear what my family was talking about. Really, hearing the verdict from the doctor that after this I will be a disabled woman is enough to make me unable to fall asleep. And now, hearing my family chatter about my future is getting my head full of irregular speculations.
“And let your sister spend the rest of her life with one leg and a stick instead of the other?”
“Bu,”
“Mom will keep looking for ways to get your sister to have surgery, Mit.”
“By asking Evan to pay for the operating costs of his future wife?”
I have known Mita for 23 years and lived with my sister. And for 23 years I also understood what the nature and character of my sister even though I did not dare to admit that I already know my brother one hundred percent. But still hearing such a sentence coming out of my own sister's mouth made my chest even more claustrophobic and made me cry even though I could still hide the stuffing.
Hearing a sentence like I was a poor woman begging for surgery on her future husband really felt like a slap in my head.
“Mita,! Mom hasn't been that low to beg Evan. Alia's mother's son, and the mother who will be in charge of Alia.”
Really, before this my feelings were still fine. I even repeatedly assured Evan that I was fine despite hearing Dr. Aslan's explanation of my feet.
Everything is still fine and my feelings can still be reconciled and accept the fact that everything that happens to me is purely God's provision. It's just that such an understanding is not obtained by my family who actually consider that the condition of my feet is something worth regretting.
“Sorry mom,” I whispered to myself while continuing to hold my sobs and making my chest feel tight.
Begging Evan, even before two seconds ago, I never thought at all about how different Evan and I were. About how much we both really came from different living environments. Ah, maybe all this time I was too naive and complacent about what I was doing with that man. Until that sentence made me realize that after this, my relationship with Evan would not be as easy as before.
“Honey,” and a touch on my left cheek made me dragged from the daydream and made me gasp even though after that I could still puff a smile.
“Mas,”
“Say your nurse has not wanted to go back to the room.” That's not a question. But a statement Evan said with the intention of inviting me back to the room because it was time for Doctor Aslan to check on me and it was time for a nurse to give me medicine.
“Bored in room hold, mas.”
“Let's go back and not get bored. To the room yes, soon doctor Aslan visit.”
And seeing this man in front of me smiling as he touched the back of my hand suddenly made my eyes heat up and my chest felt tight again. Also about the sentence Mbak Mita said two days ago that somehow twisted and made a speck of clear fall just like that without me knowing.
True, just from one look everyone can judge the difference between me and Evan. No need to explain, everyone can even understand if the two of us are indeed two people from different living environments.
‘Now I know kenpa mas Jendra looks so objected to my relationship with you, mas.’ My own mind while continuing to pay attention to Evan who was still crouching in front of me and looking at me did not understand.
“Sweet why?”
‘Even after this, everyone will have a very strong reason why they should say that I am not a decent woman for you, mas.’
“Hey, what's up?”
And I could only shake my head while wiping my eyes with the back of my hand to answer Evan's question. My tongue was swollen and my throat seemed to be choked every time I saw Evan's eyes behind his glasses.
“Nothing.” Lies. I myself do not even know how many irregular thoughts that since two days ago gathered and revolved inside my head. About my life after this, about my relationship with Evan, also about what I should do after this.
Ah, maybe for now let me just be preoccupied with something that is in my own head. I have not wanted and have absolutely no intention of sharing it with anyone else even if that person is my own future husband.
For now, let me enjoy all the lies I created in front of Evan and my family about my true feelings. Let me enjoy every inner upheaval I feel every time I stare at my left foot and thoughts about my life come back.
“Mas Evan be careful on the road.” Even until Evan told me to return to Jogja in the afternoon, my mind was still full of irregular speculations about my own life. Even though I could still disguise that excitement with a fake smile on my face, it still made my chest even more claustrophobic.
“Do you have to take another leave of absence until you have fully recovered? Hm?”
“Do not, mas. You can get fired if you take another vacation. After all my condition is getting better and doctor Aslan said the day after tomorrow can go home.”
I saw Evan take a deep breath before taking off his glasses and putting them back on. Evan suggested that I be transferred to a hospital in Jogja to make it easier to take care of everything related to me. It's just that when my condition is still in a coma it is not possible to be moved with such a distance and when I have realized, I actually refused on the grounds of transfer to a hospital in Jogja requires a lot of money. And of course I just told that reason to mom and dad and didn't dare to tell Evan.
“Alright then.” From his voice alone, I know very well that there are many sentences that Evan deliberately withstood so as not to ignite a debate between us. And yes, it's just like that. Evan relented to return to Jogja with his father and mother Mita, while I remained in Bandung with my mother until my health was restored. “Mas home yes. You be careful in Bandung.” Also, it seems I really need time alone to think about everything I've been holding back.
“Bu,”
“Ya?”
“Are disabled women like me worthy of being the wife of a man like Evan? Does it feel fair that Evan Adiatma married Alia the disabled woman?”
Even I was still able to reach Evan's back with my gaze when I asked Mom that.
* * * * *
