DIORAMAS
5. Me and (not) regrets
Semarang, April 2016
Korean music rang out and filled my ears as soon as the wooden door in front of me opened and a girl stood in the doorway. A girl in shabby shorts and t-shirts while her hair was disheveled which indicated that since morning the girl had not been touched by water at all. It took me a few minutes until the girl greeted me after taking a deep breath and exhaled back slowly.
While I was just poking at a smile that I myself did not know what my current smile looked like. But anyway, this girl in front of me still returned my smile with a smile that still looked the same as the one I recognized a few months ago.
“Actually I want to hug you, Al. But I'm afraid you fainted.” The chirps are also unobtrusive which makes me unable to hold back a laugh. After being silent all the way from Yogyakarta to Semarang, this laughter finally became the first sound I issued.
Actually, there's a lot of things I want to say and get out. Let out a feeling that stuck for days until at least my chest will feel lighter. But free, everything in my head feels like a tangled thread so I can't parse and find the tip of the base.
'You have to talk, Al. Or you'll end up depressed and become a crazy girl with a broken heart.'
Yes, the heart is what actually brought me to Semarang and chose to leave Jogja for a few days. I always thought that I needed to pull over for a few days
A week ago, after I met Jendra at the station, I decided to call Mika and ask her about the girl. Ah, I've even forgotten when was the last time we met and laughed like this. What I remember, after graduation we were both busy looking for work until finally making Mika stranded in Semarang and I still survive in Jogja.
Right, after coming back from the station last week, the first person I thought about was Mika. I want to tell this girl what happened to me after coming home from the station. I want Mika to know what happened to me after her move to Semarang. Also, I want Mika to know that her best friend is hurt.
“Then, what brings you to this hot place, Al?” mika asked in a joking tone while putting a glass of water in front of me and she crawled up onto the bed. I admit Mika's room is not much bigger than my private room at home, only I feel comfortable once Mika lives in this room.
“Kangen.” I answered flat and put my drink on the floor. “How are you, Ka?”
“As you see, I'm still fine. And can I guess something from you?”
“What?”
“You're not okay ‘right?”
Three years I knew Mika and I was getting close since our first semester of college, and I thought three years was enough time for Mika to understand me more than anyone else did. I admit that I rarely talk about personal matters with Mika and tell her how I feel about the girl. But somehow at first, we started to be able to understand each other and try to understand what we felt even though we hadn't said it yet. Like now.
“Seeing as clearly as that?”
“I'm just guessing.” Mika replied by shrugging and reaching for her phone which had been lying on a small table beside her mattress. “I won't force you to tell a story, Al. I'll be waiting for you. And while I wait, may I hear you?”
Really typical Mika who likes to think is not important. But again the narrative is not important Mika actually makes me laugh even though I actually still very difficult to laugh. Right, after the station there was so much I felt that I found it hard to find the end and the beginning of my own feelings. And all I needed was someone to listen to me and let me tell you what I was going through.
“I'm healthy, Ka. But no, I'm not okay, if that's what you want to hear.”
“Alia,”
“There's no point also I lied to you right?”
This time Mika chose to get up from her bed and put her phone on a pillow. Taking a deep breath and looking at me intently as if knowing if this friend is not okay.
“What do you mean? What stops?”
“Me and Jendra, we decided to stop.” I do feel so heavy saying the fact that at this time Jendra and I have stopped being in a relationship. But it's all beyond my expectation that I'm going to cry wailing when I tell this girl. There were no tears flowing as I told Mika. Instead, I'm sure Mika is currently seeing a flat smile on my face.
“That's why you said you weren't okay?” there were no hugs, no lectures, nor was Mika trying to calm me down because I didn't need such things either. Really, all I need now is Mika to listen to me.
While I just nodded affirming Mika's question and touched the glass in front of me with my own fingertips.
“When?”
“After me from Jakarta. Last week.”
“And why do I see any doubt of your decision?”
“Ka,” my sigh slowly and looked towards Mika who was also looking at me and shrugged her shoulders indifferently. “So please, I just feel like there's something wrong with our relationship. But stupidly, I don't know what's wrong with it.”
“Is there something you don't like about Jendra?” mika asked after a while we just fell silent and I was busy organizing my thoughts which were really messed up lately. And in fact, I could only be silent without being able to think of an answer to Mika's question.
“Is there something about Jendra that makes you unable to survive for a moment?”
Something I don't like about Jendra? Of course there is. I don't like Jendra's difficult habit of talking seriously. I really didn't like Jendra who had a hard time making decisions and let me do it for us. And also, I don't like Jendra hiding her life from me like I'm not the one who matters to her. But really, I'm used to it and I'm not that ambitious to turn Jendra into a perfect man as I see it.
“Or the decision to split from Jendra is a decision you took a while ago?” go after Mika because I realized myself that I didn't answer her question. “Maybe that decision you took because there is currently someone who is able to make you more comfortable to be with him than when you were with Jendra?”
Thats enough. In fact, I was completely unable to answer the questions Mika was asking me. How can I answer Mika's question if I myself am also unable to answer the question in my own head?
“I just felt something was wrong on our relationship, Ka. And no, no one else or anyone else is trying to make me feel more comfortable than I felt comfortable with Jendra.”
And that's all I felt about my relationship with Jendra. Only that feeling always bothered me until I was myself made low by that feeling. There was no one else in our relationship. There is no such thing as being blocked by parental blessing, or any other dramatic thing that I would have so dramatized our relationship. Things went normal before I realized something was wrong in my relationship with Rajendra Yudhistira.
And yes, there is something wrong, only I cannot see the mistake until I am unable to correct the wrong thing.
“Will you tell me everything, Al?” I don't know when exactly Mika sat in front of me and touched my shoulder. Asking me to look over him and showing him the tears that I had been hiding for days and kept for myself.
“Everything. So I can help you a little bit to figure out what's wrong. At least you're not alone, Al.”
Storytelling,
Why has everything recently become so complicated that I can understand?
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