DIORAMAS
30. Convictions

“Jendra talk anything when I'm not around?”

Evan asked as soon as his car came out of the parking lot and mingled with other vehicles on the highway. It made me look at her despite not intending to answer Evan's question and choose to observe her face getting busy with the streets before her. Almost half an hour Evan went to see his secretary and left me in the room with Jendra. And I, though inwardly chanting a prayer and asking that the Lord move Jendra's heart to leave Evan's room immediately, but it seemed like my prayers were not answered and Jendra just left after Evan returned to his room and took me home.

“Many things.” Reply reluctantly. Taking a deep breath and letting the smell of apples fill my sense of smell.

“About what?” and I don't blame Evan's tone for sounding so intimidating. He's my future husband and I don't think there's a guy who's okay when his future wife gets locked up in the room with her ex-boyfriend for half an hour or so. But did Evan not think at all about how I felt when I was in the same room with Jendra while the man knew how my life and Rajendra were before this?

“About how Evan suddenly became my future husband, about why two people who had not known each other for long could decide to plan a wedding, about how me and mas Evan will know each other, about what kind of marriage will be lived by two people who have not long known each other, about.” I was not even aware of what I was saying to make my breath so much that my sentence was cut off.

“Hei,”

“About me being unfit to be a future wife for you.” connect me without turning my face and Evan and looking at him fixedly.

True, in fact, a Rajendra Yushistira who I consider to be more mature with his status as a husband can say such generosity to me. I even remember Jendra's face and the wry smile he was pointing at me.

“You want to prove to me that you can get a better man so broke up with me, Al? And you purposely kept approaching Evan because you knew he was my boss and in your eyes Evan was much better than me?”

I even remember the sentence Rajendra pointed at me to make the tip of my eyes twitch in anger. Not really angry, it's just that I was too surprised by what Jendra said.

“I didn't know that you could think that bad about me, mas.”

“Rethink, Al. If the whole office knows Evan married you who is none other than my ex-boyfriend, it is not impossible that Evan's pride will fall because it is considered to snatch you from me.”

“You're saying that I don't deserve to be the wife of your manager?”

“And you are indeed Alia who is so good at translating sentences.”

I took a deep breath and exhaled it back slowly. Trying to apply the theory I learned during a yoga class a few years ago about how to hold back anger by taking deep breaths.

“Can I tell you a few things, mas? First I stopped thinking about you months ago, so if you think I accepted Evan's application because you want to prove it to you, then you're wrong. The second, about whether I am worthy of being Evan's companion or not, is God's realm. Me and Evan are just doing as well as we can. And I think you also don't deserve to decide for granted about me being unworthy of being Evan Adiatma's wife.”

And what made me almost get off the couch and chase Evan out of his room was the thought of how Jendra could think so badly of me, and how can a grown man say that phrase to a woman?

“I'm not talking about your feelings because I don't care anymore, Al.” is just the desire to chase Evan out of the room immediately when Jendra re-opens his voice and makes my steps restrained. “I'm talking about a boss I respect. I'm talking about Evan's career in this office and..”.

“And thank you for being so considerate of my future husband, mas.” Cut me fast before Jendra finished his sentence and with all his might held the heat in my eyes so as not to incarnate into tears. In just a few minutes, Rajendra managed to bring up some untrue questions in my head and speculations about the man.

Who exactly made the fatal mistake of the past until now Jendra looked at me as if I was the enemy he had long sought and was currently standing before him?

Who had actually scratched the wound until this moment Jendra looked at me as if I was a prisoner ready to be cut off his head?

And also, who is the man who is now standing two steps away from me and looking at me as if I were the most sinful woman on earth? Really, he really isn't like Rajendra I've ever known.

“Please, mas.” I started with a hoarse voice after Evan pulled his car over and let me cry like a stupid woman in front of him for almost ten minutes. “Please think back.”

“About your application for me.”

“You want me to think about it how many times?”

“Mas,”

“Ten times? Twenty times? Or a hundred times?”

“Please, mas.”

“I've done it before you asked, Al.”

This time I chose to be quiet and no longer argue with Evan my silly argument. The real silly argument I didn't want to say because I didn't want to say such absurd sentences myself. Merely, my mixed feelings made me take out everything in my head without being able to filter it first.

“I've thought about it hundreds of times.” And the tears that had actually been pulled from the face fell back when Evan looked at me fixed even though the man was still flinch and did not want to do anything. “About me wanting to make you the last girl for me, about me wanting to be the last man for you. And after thinking about it a hundred times, the answer remained the same, Al. I want to have you in a noble way.”

Own in a noble way. Why would I neglect to think about such a thing until Evan had to remind me? Why can't I catch Evan's good intentions to make our relationship into a noble relationship and just think of things that don't make sense because some of Jendra's talk is nothing else is that a person from my past?

Ah, maybe there is still a little wound in the corner of my heart because Jendra who until now has not fully healed.

“May I ask you something, Al?” evan asked after a while we just fell silent. I was busy with my thoughts and Evan seemed busy watching the street from the glass beside him. But from the way he took a few deep breaths, I can guess that even now Evan is trying to organize his mind which is definitely chaotic because of my unclear rapport. “Do you sincerely accept my application, or do you accept it just because you have to?”

“Mas,” this time I even frowned until I felt my eyebrows barely meet. How could Evan ask such a thing at a time like this?

“I think injured because Jendra has managed you to heal completely, Al.” muttered Evan that he might aim for himself. And my heart pinched until it felt like a hand had slapped me when I found Evan smiling wryly and looking out the window as I turned towards him.

“I think the existence of Jendra is no longer something that can bother you. But it turns out I was wrong. The existence of Jendra is still very disturbing to you, even the words of Jendra can make you doubt my proposal.”

Really, I didn't want a conversation like this with Evan at all. I don't know if my concoction because of Jendra's words can make my situation with Evan what it is now. I was even at a loss for words and couldn't come up with a sentence I deserved to say to Evan. I've hurt Evan and I don't want to hurt him more with my words.

“How much longer should I wait until the wound is completely healed, Al?” I found Evan sighing once more before taking off his glasses and turning towards me. I stretched out my left hand and shrank my tears that I had just let fall. “How much longer do I have to wait until your heart is really ready to accept me?”

Is it really like that? Is it true that I am not ready to accept Evan and all the feelings that the man has offered me even though we have been together for months and this man has even proposed to me? Is it true that there is still a wound from Jendra that has not healed until I am so difficult to accept Evan without imagining the sentence that Jendra said to me?

“Sorry, mom. I'm sorry.”

“This wedding is about us, Al. About you and me. So, about what my life was like after marrying you, it was not Jendra's realm to dictate it. Even with what kind of woman deserves to be my side, only I have the right to determine it, not anyone else.”

“Sorry, mas.”

I should have made everything simpler. It is as simple as me to let go of all the wounds of Jendra and stop thinking that I have been hurt so deeply because of Jendra in the past. As simple as I accepted Evan with all the sincere feelings that the man offered me and stopped looking back because I would not retrace the path I had been on.

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