DIORAMAS
21. Spelling_r Asa

Bandung, August 2016

I don't regret it

I said it and I don't regret it

I don't know how many times I've been chanting that phrase to myself since I entered the train car and the train took me away from Yogyakarta station a few hours ago. No, in fact I've even been chanting that phrase since over a week ago. Ever since my last meeting with Evan at the library that afternoon and what I told that guy. Yeah, I did stick it out to Evan everything I felt. About how I felt about her, about my fear. Although I'm not sure if all that is enough to be called a confession or just as a mere chat.

'How can it be called a confession if after, Evan actually felt angry with you, Alia?'

But that doesn't mean that a confession brings happiness, does it? I've made up my mind and now I admit my decision to Evan Adiatma.

“What do you mean, Al?” I still remember Evan's facial expression that afternoon when I told him about my decision to work out of town.

“I'll be leaving for Bandung next week, mas.”

“Really, Alia. There are so many jobs you can do. Why should I go to Bandung?”

I watched Evan's facial features and followed the man's hand movements as he removed his glasses and placed them right next to his full drinking glass. Breathe out in anger before refocusing his attention on me. And I, I had absolutely no intention of answering Evan's question when I realized myself how fucked this guy felt because of the news I was telling him.

But I think it's a lot better than hiding my plans to move to Bandung and letting Evan speculate that I'm going to stay. It will only hurt the man's feelings even more deeply. And after this, I'm going to work on all Evan's decisions regarding his feelings.

“Why did you just leave after you confessed that you,.” once again I could only watch Evan rub his face with a huff. “After you confessed that you fell in love with me.” continued Evan who made me speechless.

True, if I think about it again, I'm like a kid who took back a toy I just gave my friend. I gave the toy to him, but in the end I recaptured the toy and destroyed it.

'You shouldn't have to admit your feelings for this man, Alia. And everything will go a little lighter when Evan still thinks of you as a friend.'

I'm not sure if my confession of a few minutes in the library could change the man's feelings with the blink of an eye. It's just that there was something I saw that bothered the man so much that it made me lose my word. I feel guilty.

One minute, two minutes I forgot how many minutes I let go without a sound between me and Evan. I took a deep breath once more and Evan took his eyes off me. Really, I really did not expect that our meeting this time would be like this. But in my umpteenth breath, I realized that I could not repeat the same mistake of letting time explain everything to us. Time cannot explain because time can only give an opportunity.

“Mas,” I forced myself to touch the back of Evan's hand and asked the man to look at me. “Didn't you want to give me a minute? Until I'm absolutely sure.”

Yes, because in my current understanding, love matters are not as simple as me confessing my feelings to Evan and the man accepting them. No, after what I experienced in the past, I can't look at love the same way anymore. It takes understanding and conviction that what I feel for Evan Adiatma is indeed a feeling that I call love. It took understanding to make me believe that what I felt was not just a matter of me being comfortable with Evan because men always treated me so well.

That's why I felt the need to pull over and find an understanding I didn't get when I was with him. I just wanted to reassure myself that what I felt about Evan wasn't the sentimental feelings that came from a woman who was still heartbroken by her ex-boyfriend's marriage. I wanted to convince myself that I really loved Evan not on the basis of an escape.

Is not as beautiful as any letter engraved, will not mean if there is no pause between them? Can't two people love each other when there's room? And humans can love each other by understanding each other.

“How long have you been there?” ask Evan not to bother either. It made me pull the tip of my lips and put on a thin smile and pay attention to Evan's right hand holding my hand.

“Until I am absolutely sure of my feelings, with my life.”

“What so far I haven't been able to make you sure, Al?” once again I took a deep breath and touched my drink glass with my fingertips.

“Are you bothered by the fact that I'm Jendra's boss, Jendra is your ex-boyfriend, and we interact every day?”

“In fact I can't just ignore that reality.”

“Alia.” Again Evan only took a deep breath in exhaling back violently even though the man seemed to have no intention of letting go of my hand from his grasp. “You can ignore it. Really, you just have to act as the woman I chose, not as the ex-boyfriend of my co-worker.”

“May I ask you something, mas?” and I'm not waiting for Evan's approval to continue. “How did Evan feel about me?”

“I like you, Alia. Before you even ask, I've fallen in love with you.”

“What kind of love and feeling of love?”

“I like you because you are Alia. And I'm in love with you because you're the girl I saw that afternoon in the parking lot of the building where I work and the girl who makes me unable to turn away.” For a while my eyes warmed up to Evan's reply until I unconsciously pulled my hand from his grasp and wiped the tip of my nose that somehow itched. “A little bit, don't you want to believe me, Al?”

“No, I believe in you, mas. I doubt my own feelings.”

“Alia,”

“I fear that the feelings I am feeling right now are nothing more than feelings that arise from sentimental women to men close to her. I fear that the feeling I am feeling right now is nothing more than an ego that makes you my escape from Jendra. I'm afraid I can't reciprocate your feelings with the same feelings, mas.” My lips with the sentence I was inking though sounded ambiguous and messy.

“It was so annoying when my little heart told me I was in love with you, my ego actually said that I only made you an escape. And I fear that my ego is right and my little heart is wrong.”

“Don't you know that that little heart is never wrong, Alia?”

“That's why I need to pull over, mas. I need to get away from you so I can be absolutely sure that what I feel is not just the ego of a woman who needs an escape.”

For a few seconds we were silent and like trying to guess the contents of each of us. Even though for almost a full minute I chose to be quiet and wait for Evan to restart our conversation.

“What's staying away being the only way?”

“If while waiting for me mas feel saturated and assume that waiting for me is nothing more than a waste, you can give up, mas.”

“What are you talking about, Alia? How can I give up if I even wanted you from the beginning?”

“Mas,”

“If there is a long holiday, I will visit you in Bandung.”

If so, what other part makes me doubt that the feeling I feel for this man is nothing more than an ego that arises from a young woman who is heartbroken? What else makes me doubt that I'm really in love with this guy?

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