DIORAMAS
22. I guess Love

Once again I squinted at a signboard hanging on the porch in front of me and lowered my head to make sure I was standing in front of the right house. A second-floor house with a tall wooden gate that I could not reach with my eyes so high.

After almost half an hour sitting in the station cafe to enjoy a cup of hot coffee, I finally decided to book an ojek online and left for a boarding house that had been ordered by om Rudi, he said, one of my relatives in Bandung a week ago. At first, Rudi wanted to accompany me to meet my mother and help me clean up the room, only Rudi told me that he had an appointment with his client and canceled his promise with me.

Home kos muslimah ‘Baiti’

In my heart I spelled out a row of letters on the signboard and began to think like om Rudi could think of finding a Muslim boarding house for me. But compared to thinking about the reason om Rudi, there is a feeling that makes me more tickled. Somehow I felt something strange when I read the rows of letters printed on the white signboard. Like the feeling that I've been tied to this house despite the fact that this is the first time I've stood here. Not because I wonder why om Rudi chose a Muslim boarding house for me instead of choosing a mixed boarding house. Not like that, but it's a much stronger feeling than that.

“Oh,”

I was just about to press the bell button attached to the wall when from inside the gate came the sound of the key opening. And sure enough, a few minutes later the wooden gate was open making me able to observe the boarding house with a little more freedom. Just a moment before my attention was distracted by a woman who was guiding her motorcycle out of the gate. A woman with a long dongker dress, a matching color headscarf, and a strip of dark-colored face-covering cloth. Veiled woman.

“Assalamu’alaikum,” sapaku hesitate. Not out of fear of this woman, but I fear that I mispronounced her greeting.

“Wa’alaikumussalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,” reply with full greeting while pulling over his motorcycle and approaching me. “Who to find, tea?” tanyanya friendly. Even from her narrowed pair of eyes, I could tell that this woman was smiling at me.

“You are looking for Hamidah's mother, previously introduce, I'm Alia.”

“Oh, Alia tea from Jogja is yes?” guess this woman while watching me and a suitcase that I still leave next to me.

“Iya, right.”

“I Sofia, tea, son bu Hamidah. Qadarullah today mom was out the same, but before leaving mother told me that Alia tea would come today.”

For a while I was amazed by the words of this veiled woman named Sofia. Also, I subconsciously looked down and noticed the clothes I was wearing today. Jeans that although not tight, but still look inappropriate juxtaposed with long dress worn Sofia. The flannel shirt I wrapped in a worn brown jacket, and a thin piece of black cloth I called ‘jilbab’ despite the fact that the fabric worthy of being called hijab is a fabric like the one worn by Sofia.

“Mari tea, I'll take you to teteh.” Sofia kindly even volunteered to bring me a tote bag I carried with my left hand while my right hand dragged the suitcase. Again, I was fascinated by Sofia's polite demeanor. And in my heart I began to guess how old Sofia was, as well as what kind of face her father had hidden behind the veil.

“Our house is downstairs, if there is anything else call me or mom.” Sofia said again while I observed the room I just entered. The room I guessed was 4x5 meters wide with a bed, table and chair, and a closet that was not too wide. While a door in the corner of the room I guessed as a bathroom. Almost a full minute I scanned the contents of the room and took a few deep breaths. Convince myself that from this moment on I will live apart from my mother and father, and begin my struggle as a regional child.

“Thank you, Sofia.”

“You helped clean-up, tea?”

“Not necessary. The room is clean, then just do the clothes.”

And after nearly ten minutes of convincing Sofia that I could clear my room by myself, she finally resigned herself and left me alone on the doorstep. Yes, I was so curious that I even kept watching Sofia who was walking away from my room. And still kept guessing about Sofia's age and noticed the end of her robe sweeping the floor as it went down the stairs. Geez, I must be so tired that I was so attentive to the end of a woman's robe sweeping the floor of the stairs.

“Good, Alia. Time to get rid of the ego as a spoiled child and start thinking mature.” I muttered while dragging my suitcase and putting it at the end of the room before laying my body on the bed. Groped my pants pocket and took my cell phone to let me know that I had arrived safely and nothing less. Unfortunately it was just a thought just before my attention was distracted by a message I received half an hour ago. An image message I received from someone in Jogja.

It has been raining heavily since two hours ago. What about Bandung?

A short message accompanied by a picture of the building page with a banyan tree. A page that is familiar to me. My eyes warmed up for a while before moving out of the room and standing on the second-floor balcony. Directing my phone camera up into the sky and taking pictures of the sky that looks very bright.

<**Alia> Bandung is bright once. Though I heard Bandung rained more often than Jogja. What do you think I heard was nothing more than a hoax?

No, I think it's because my heart is sad, so the rain hasn't stopped since.

Any bad people hurt you?

Not sad because it hurts, but sad because it holds back the longing. How about tonight I call you so that my longing is a little less?

I have to work tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.

Not until 10 p.m. I-i promise.

I miss, mas***.

I almost hit the send when I realized that I shouldn't have gone too far by saying that I missed that guy while a week ago I just confessed that I started falling in love to him. I don't understand whether it's because I'm too tired that my mind goes too far, or because I miss it. In the end I just took a deep breath and removed those three words and replaced them with another sentence.

All right, I'll wait then.

“Not yet to go so far, Alia.” My sigh as I lay down on the bed and closed my eyes even though I did not intend to sleep.

That's right, since our last meeting over a week ago, I have to admit that there is a new dimension that I've been exploring with Evan even though we still both close our eyes and pretend that we are still two good friends. Obviously there's been a big difference from Evan's attitude since that day even though I tried so hard not to admit it.

“You sure?” he asked briefly that afternoon when Evan drove me home after we chatted for nearly three hours at a coffee shop near the public library and the man nearly half an hour held me in his car.

“About what? About decision? Or about my confession?”

“About everything. Your decision to leave, about your recognition.”

Right, I need to retake it first so that I know this is the best decision I can make, or is it nothing more than a wrong decision that I regret in the end. And for now I have not been able to decide because I have just started.

* * * * *

I thought my first day working for this company as a junior staff would be a thrilling day and make me nervous to death so I might be stiff when answering greetings from my new coworkers. But in fact, everything is normal until it feels like I'm not a new employee who has a new office here for the first time. It's true that I was so nervous when I entered the office lobby that it felt like something was wrong from my appearance, to feel something was less than my innate.

“Alia, yes?” greet a young woman who I guess is as old as me who looks so beautiful in her work suit.

“Yes, mbak.” I replied awkwardly because I felt strange myself when I was so serious about observing the appearance of this young woman before me. But really, this young woman fits perfectly with her short black work suit and her hair tied only in a ponytail. And me? I had to settle for the white shirt of the black skirt and the black headscarf typical of the apprentice who made me look like a bunch of shabby clothes in front of this young lady. My mainstay suit since I took my script exam until several job interviews.

“I Kartika, as long as you are in my probationary period that will guide you.”

“Oh, mother of Kartika, to. Yes ma'am, thank you in advance.”

“You don't have to thank me for something you did have to get, Alia. But may I ask you one thing?” tanyanya while taking me to the table near the big window not far from a large table that I guessed the table belongs to a young woman named Kartika.

“To not call with call ‘ibu Kartika’?” guess I was greeted with laughter by this young woman. Whether this is just my feeling or it is like this in fact, it feels like I feel like I'm in a match with this place. I feel that there will be a story that will form here.

“If there is something you need, just call me. If for example I do not exist, call friends can also, they would want to help kok.”

“Good, mbak. For sure I will be very troublesome in the first weeks.”

And I saw that Kartika was just about to open her mouth when the department entrance opened and a young man nodded his head briefly at the two of us. Again I noticed the young man in a light blue shirt and a backpack on his back who was walking towards the table near the wall. Three tables from my desk.

‘Maybe my age Evan, my inner’ after a while noticed the young man who was now sitting in his office.

“Name Erwin, he's assistant manager.”

“Oh, yes mbak.” Really, it felt embarrassed to die when I realized that Kartika realized my ridiculous behavior that continued to pay attention to the young man named Erwin. “About early warning, Alia.” Whisper Kartika after touching my arm and ask me to get closer to her. “Before you begin to put your heart on Erwin and you will be heartbroken in the end, I say that Erwin is married and has just been blessed with his second child.”

“Mbak,” my sigh that feels that my face is as red as a tomato now. Really, why would Kartika say such a thing to me? But, the father of two children? Really, how old is he?

“Yeah, even if I'm actually sure that you must have a boyfriend and will not be interested in Erwin or anyone else here.”

This time I just laughed a little to respond to Kartika's sentence which unconsciously made me rethink Evan who was somehow doing what across town there.

“But this is serious, Alia. Erwin was a typical man who was very devout in his religion and kept his distance from women other than his wife. So yeah, do you know how to behave towards Erwin? But so far he's a professional employee really, so you don't have to worry.”

“Good, mbak.”

“Then I left ya, if there's anything just call me.”

Until Kartika moved away and disappeared behind the door of the room at the end of the department, I was still standing next to my desk and watching the glass door even though it was now closed. Taking a deep breath and subconsciously turning towards the young man named Erwin who was somehow doing what with the agenda book before him.

“A man who so took care of himself and his honor.” I murmured to myself when I decided to sit down and start tidying up my actual work desk has been neat since. Somehow like there is something that baffles from Kartika's speech about Erwin. Not because I was bothered by reality like Erwin who was married and a father of two, but something bigger than that.

“Sofia,”

True, in fact the figure of Erwin suddenly reminded me of the figure of Sofia the girl veiled daughter ummi Hamidah. Unknowingly I began to form a shadow about Sofia as a manifestation of Erwin in the female version. Someone who is so guarded and honor. No contact with other than his mahram, and so obeying his religion. I am not a woman who grew up in a family with a very high religious awareness, but I know and understand things like that. And again the figure of Erwin and Sofia makes me slapped and aware that all this time, so many violations that I have done in my own religious matters.

“Those people who are so steadfast hold the principle,” murmured to myself and swiped the phone screen without a clear purpose.

Right, I think I've been playing the role of good and obedient Alia Pangesti, just that it was just the thought of a stupid girl who is not knowledgeable like me. In fact, so much evil that I did to remember it has made me ashamed of myself. I was so easily stirred up because of the problem with Jendra, and I who so easily ran towards Evan when hurt by Jendra did not stop me from grunting and blaming myself.

‘For what to think, Alia? They are just people who are so hard of religion and so rigid of living life. Wouldn't as long as you were a good person all be fine?’

I don't know what the devil suddenly whispered sentence after sentence of defense right beside my ear until I re-assume that what I've been doing all this time is normal. It began to form the foolish thought that it was people like Sofia and Erwin who were too rigid in life. Ah, again it's just a stupid thought and a science fakir like me.

“Those who are so rigid in religion or me who still do not know?”

Just as I turned towards Erwin's desk, our gazes met for a few seconds and the man nodded towards me before looking back down on his agenda book. And I, I don't know which idea made me bow my head deeply without returning Erwin's nod. In my heart I just chanted that I should respect what Erwin's principles were by not luring the man to stare at me for too long.

“Maybe someday you will know and you will understand, Alia.”

Maybe one day I will know and understand. Whether they are too rigid, or I am still so poor in science.

* * * * *