DIORAMAS
32. Refrains
Bandung, April 2017
“If you do not come to Jakarta can not ya nduk?” asked mom across the street who made me stop packing my clothes in my suitcase. Moved the phone from my right ear to my left ear and sat at the edge of the bed right next to my open suitcase.
“Why bu?” askaku. Suppressing the curiosity about why all of a sudden mom called and said about ‘her objection’ about my plan to go to Jakarta. Yes, for work I will go to Jakarta tomorrow and will be there for one week. Not alone of course, there were five friends who also went with me and I also already said this to Evan two days ago.
“It's okay kok.” I know mom and I have been living with that woman for 24 years, which is why I can understand that right now mom is holding back the line she really wants the woman to tell me.
“Only a week, mom. Besides next month Al has resigned, so it is not good if you refuse to be assigned to Jakarta.”
It is my pleasure to say that next month, I officially returned as an unemployed person after reluctantly agreeing to my resignation. Well, even on the condition that I have to be willing to be assigned to Jakarta with five of my other colleagues tomorrow.
“Not alone ‘kkan you to his Jakarta?”
“Not really bu, there are five friends who also come to Jakarta. Besides the distance of Jakarta Bandung is only as far as Jogja Solo.”
Lies. Actually I myself do not know how far the distance between Bandung and Jakarta because previously I had not even measured the distance between the city of Bandung and Jakarta.
“Already, be careful yes you are there.”
“Bu,” hold me when I know you already want to end our conversation. I don't know where this feeling came from, but really, all of a sudden it felt like I wanted to linger talking to mom tonight.
“What's up, nduk?”
“Ehm, ndak nothing. See you next month, Mom. Alia darling mother.”
“For God's sake, mother also dear Alia.”
Perfect. Even with just one last sentence, she managed to make my chest feel tight and shed tears just as she cut off her phone call with me. But if I remember, the sentimental feeling every time I spoke to my mother was not just this once, but that feeling I had been feeling since the night of my engagement to Evan four months ago.
The feeling of being reluctant to part with my mother, until the feeling that made me suddenly want to cry myself, I had felt since the night that Evan Adiatma tied me with a ring that the man pinned on my ring finger.
“That's because you're the youngest child and the closest child to mom, deck. So that kind of feeling is natural you feel.” And that was Mita's line when I told her about my feelings, and when I asked her if she felt this way when she was getting married to Ardi.
It's not just Mita who actually said such things to me, about the natural feelings felt by women who are getting married. Evan even had a laugh when I suddenly called him at lunch and said I was crying because I had just talked to my mother.
“My house distance with your house is not as far as Jogja Bandung, dear. So after we get married later, you can still visit mother, father, mbak Raya, Lili, and mas Raka whenever you feel homesick.”
True too, maybe I'm the only one who is not ready to part with mother until it feels like I want to continue to be close to the woman. At least before I officially became Evan Adiatma's wife and still have the status of mother's youngest child.
Or is there something else that makes me so sentimental? Something else I haven't been able to think about.
* * * * *
For the third time I went back to check my handbag and glanced at the small suitcase beside my foot while continuing to hold my phone in my right ear. No, I'm actually not a typical woman with ocd syndrome who needs to check things repeatedly. But since Evan asked me to go back to check my luggage, I automatically did what the man asked.
“It's all, mas.” I answered confidently as I waved my hand at a woman walking from the gate. Kartika, my superior young manager.
“Oke, the distance of Jakarta Bandung is not that far until I have to be agitated like this ‘kan?” this time I frowned and ignored Kartika who said that she would enter the office first to take care of something.
“Acts why, mas?” ask me with a forehead that I believe is still shriveling. Over there, I could even feel Evan sighing deeply and exhaling back slowly.
“It's okay. Maybe I miss you too much. So the innards are restless continue.”
“Mas,”
“It's okay, baby. Oh yeah, what time are you leaving?” and I know very well that Evan's questions are just a way for me to stop pushing that guy. Yes, because this morning I told Evan that the six of us were going to Jakarta around 8 am, and as far as I know Evan is not a typical forgetful man.
“Jam 8 less possible, mas. I came too early, so I had to wait for the other guys. Are you in the office?”
“On the way, soon to arrive. Know for yourself ‘kan what Jogja looks like in the morning.”
I don't know if it's because I got carried away by Evan's anxiety, or because I miss that guy. It felt like I was eager to meet Evan and hug the man, or at least I could see him and make sure my future husband was okay.
Ah, sometimes I still find it hard to believe that the man who is currently laughing over there is my future husband. Remembering our first meeting in the office parking lot. Meeting after meeting until our separation due to my transfer to Bandung, until the decision Evan made to propose to me.
“Mas?”
Everything went so perfectly that I could hardly believe that my journey could be this beautiful. About the pain I experienced, also the feeling of happiness so I forgot the pain I felt before. Before I met Evan.
“Singing again dong.”
“Singing what?”
“You and I. As I sang to me the other day at the station.” Again, I felt Evan's laughter sound strange and discordant in my ears even though I was sure that it was still the same laughter that the man used to give me.
“As you wish my girl.” This time I laughed when I realized Evan was beating like a cheap singer who was about to start the action. “You and I, we don’t wanna be like them. We can make it ‘till the end. Nothing can come between, you and I.” almost a full minute I fell silent and felt my eyes heating up as Evan began to sing the one direction refrain of you and I like the man did at the station the other day.
“Sayang?” and my consciousness only returned when Evan called me and made me gasp. Unknowingly wiping the edge of my eyes as if I was sure that I was crying. “All is fine ‘kan?”
“Eh-mm. Tomorrow when you go home sing full mas.”
“Tomorrow mas exercise first so as not to be discordant and not wrong lyrics.”
“Appointment yes.”
“Love you too, dear.” I laughed again at Evan's totally unexpected answer. Ah maybe it's true that the anxiety we feel is just because we miss each other.
“See you soon, my man.”
My man, did I over-recognize Evan as my man even though that man is not my husband yet? Did I overdo it for Evan to sing you and I when we met? I don't know, because in my heart I just want to do it and feel that everything is going to be okay.
* * * * *
Before this, I really didn't understand how about an event happening so quickly. Ah, but don't I myself already understand and believe in the concept of destiny?
And an event is never separated from destiny? True also everything that happens today has even been recorded in the book of human destiny long before the human was born into the world. It's the same with me, and the same concept applies to me. When all things happen to me, it means that God is living the predestination scenario He has written for me.
“Al...!!”
Everything that happens, everything that I experience, and everything that I feel will never happen if Allah does not want to.
Perhaps, I still have to learn about how to understand by heart the fate written for me. Until later, there were no feelings of anger or regret that surrounded me when my destiny was not as sweet as my imagination. Even so that later I will not escape gratitude to my creator if it turns out that the destiny written for me is not as bad as what I have worried so far.
But everything that God has destined for His servant will continue to run perfectly no matter what the plot. Things will go so perfectly even though I myself continue to guess about how the end of everything.
“Yes Allah, mother...” as of now. I know this is part of the destiny that God wrote for His servant Alia Pangesti. When I had no idea where I wanted to contact my mother, it was also about my missed phone when Kartika who was sitting right next to me pulled my arm and made me gasp and drop my phone.
Everything was going so perfectly that unknowingly it had all happened and I was unable to avoid it. Come unexpectedly and with a groove that is so perfect. Yes, that is how destiny should work because the one who carries out that destiny is He who is almighty to His poor servant.
“Mother, ms. Evan..” I don't know what happened before because I didn't notice. And when I turned my head, a car drove so fast from the left side of the fork just as the car I was riding drove and just left the traffic light marker line.
My brain had thought that even if it was only a fraction of a second ‘no, the car should have stopped and should not go to’. It was only a split second until my consciousness gradually diminished even though I could still hear the commotion that followed.
I couldn't tell how far our car was dragged until I felt a very violent impact that might have occurred because our car hit a roadblock. But again, from the commotion that occurred I can be sure if this is not a small accident.
“Alia,” is the voice of Kartika sitting next to me. Yes, I can still hear his voice even though what I hear right now is not the firm voice of Kartika as usual. That voice really sounded like a voice of pain.
“For God's sake, mother also dear Alia.” And that was the last sentence that flashed in my head before my consciousness completely disappeared and I no longer cared about the commotion going on around me. That's mom's voice. The soft voice of my mother that even defeated the siren ambulance around me. The soft voice of mother who never failed made my eyes heat up. Mother's soft voice that led me to this moment.
True too, I don't know how many times I've thought that everything was going so perfectly to take me to this moment. Even I myself will not be able to decipher each incident sheet until I arrive at today's event.
Didn't I say many times that God's scenario is perfect and beautiful so that humans will not be able to unravel it? As humans, our job is to accept. Just like me, all I need to do is accept even though I still guess about what will happen after. About how my life after this. About, whether I was still given a chance to improve myself or God had determined that this was the moment I had to return.
Life or death. I forgot to think about the concept of destiny which is always related to life and death. When man is destined to live, is not his next destiny to die?
The question is not about his death. But it's about how humans make the most of life's time and how humans prepare for death.
Really, do all dying people like this always think about life and death?
* * * * *
