DIORAMAS
15. One Step
Yogyakarta, June 2016
“As long as you have not faced Jendra and his wife in their guarantee, there is still time to make another decision, Alia.”
It's been three times since I called Kamila to come to my house and we just languished in my room two hours ago. At first I didn't want to tell Kamila about the wedding invitation Jendra received from Farhan four days ago, but I thought Kamila would be angry if I hid something this important from her. Important stuff? Ah, I don't know since when do I take matters into account related to my past.
“What kind of decision?”
And I had expected that this girl would definitely squint one eye and give me a judgmental look. Gave me a long cult about why I didn't say anything to him for so long. Also about why I didn't tell Kamila about my relationship with Jendra that had been messed up for months before we decided to split up. Yes, my guess on this girl is always right because I can read Kamila every step of the way. Of course I'm ready for all that talk.
“I know you are not stupid and it is not difficult to interpret my sentence, Al.”
“Do you think my feelings would be much better if I chose not to come?” of course I know the meaning of Kamila's sentence without the girl having to repeat it for me.
Again, I seemed to be able to guess Kamila's steps after giving a long lecture to me. At the moment Kamila even painstakingly opposed my decision not to come to fulfill Jendra's invitation. This girl even nearly tore the invitation card when she saw it on my desk.
But, actually Kamila was not the first person to tell her not to come and fulfill the invitation. Even Mita's mother and mother had sworn Jendra's oath when Mita accidentally went into my room and found Jendra's wedding invitation lying on my desk.
“How can a man who just broke up from his girlfriend then plan a wedding with another woman who is none other than his ex-girlfriend in the past? tell me, Al, what mistake did you make until Jendra did something like this to you?”
“That's Jendra's choice, mbak. And I don't need to know why she did that to me ‘ right?”
“Don't come, Al. You just show how stupid you are to the two of them if you come.”
“Jendra had the choice to do this to me, madam. And I also have the option to come or not at her wedding next week.”
Right, in fact, I just have to accept that this is the decision that Jendra took in his life. She let go of me and chose to re-bind Hesti with a bond that was far more noble than just tying Hesti as her lover like that man did to me . Jendra turned away from Hesti and chose to run towards me, and now the man came back to Hesti and left me. I think that's how the universe arranged a tangent between the three of us. And again I just have to take it with a chest.
Even if asked to be honest, I have not understood the flow of my life with Jendra so far. I didn't understand the connection between us, and I didn't understand the way the universe worked to regulate our relationship. I know I shouldn't have thought about why Jendra could so quickly decide to marry Nesti. I don't understand the way Jendra could have so briefly forgotten about me and made such a big decision.
'You just have to live it, that way you'll understand as time goes on'
I don't know, I haven't even been able to define my own feelings since I decided to let Jendra go. Am I disappointed that Jendra forgot me so quickly, or am I not willing because Jendra will marry Hesti just two months after we broke up? I don't know.
“You're talking about feelings at the wrong time, Al.” Kamila sighed after a few minutes we were silent while I was busy observing the sky-glare of my room. I've been so busy thinking about the flow of my life these past few months, and Kamila who is also looking at me with a look of pity.
“Didn't you at all think that I needed to make sure I felt like Jendra, La?”
“I don't understand.”
“I think with me coming to their wedding, I can confirm whether I have been able to accept Jendra's decision or my feelings are still attached to him. I want to make sure that I've completely let go of Jendra, La.” I realized that there were two clear glides just like that from my pair of eyes. It's just that I don't intend to remove it immediately because I know that if I remove it now, then another clear will follow and irritate me. “I want to make sure that everything will be fine even if I attend their wedding, Kamila.”
I don't know when Kamila got into the bed and sat cross-legged beside me. Touching my legion without saying anything even though I know how much Kamila wants to tell me.
“This is the decision, La. In the end it was Hestilah whom Jendra chose. Isn't all I can do is just accept it? Besides, I let go of Jendra, not he who left me.”
“Actually what is your heart made of, Al?”
“I'm fine, La.” This time I chose to move on and wipe away the tears from the remains on my face. Crossed in front of Kamila and touched the back of the girl's hand. True, in fact, everything I experienced today will pass and I am sure everything will be fine.
“I was fine when I released her, so I thought I would be fine too when attending her wedding.”
“Who are you coming with?” ask Kamila after a while. The question that made me frown and really think that I really needed a friend to attend Jendra's wedding so that everyone would stop worrying.
“Farhan volunteered to come to Jendra and Nesti's wedding together. But I thought I'd look really desperate when I came to my ex-boyfriend's wedding party with a guy who already had a girlfriend.” This time Kamila let out a small laugh at my answer even though there was snot left over that she had to clear from her nose.
“You'll look much more desperate if you come with me.”
“I know how precious the time you have is, princess. So I won't take you.”
“Then? Who will you take?”
“Hemm, maybe he's willing to spend a valuable hour or two this weekend to keep me company.” Right, maybe if I come to Jendra and Hesti's wedding with him, my mood could get better.
“Dia?”
“Somebody. Someone cool.” I answered with confidence which actually made Kamila frown even more.
And why is it that just thinking about it my heart already feels lighter than before?
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