Bad Feelings
I Love You

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I can't afford this heart to stay away from you, but my normal brain is too powerful. I can't be selfish anymore. We cannot be selfish about love. For the happiness we desire, we must sacrifice the happiness of others. No, I can't do it, even though in my deepest heart I want it. Still, I can't afford to be selfish, let alone about the person I've respected all along. This is wrong, so please don't force me to hurt you more or make me more selfish.

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"Let's elope" Jonathan asked me. My eyes were round in disbelief. Is the boy's brain okay? Whatever the last few days had done until he said such words. He was not the kind of person who could say this easily. But his eyes were so serious when he said it just now.

I put a smile on him, put away all thoughts of whatever was now in my brain. "I think you must be dizzy with Nick's report. Leave it, I'll finish the rest. I'll tell you that you've finished" I said, diverting the subject from him.

His eyes still looked at me with a serious look. "I'm serious sis" her tone sounded disappointed as I switched our conversation just now.

I brushed off my guilt, keeping my stance, ignoring my heart's desire to continue to love her. "I'm serious too Jo, you better leave it... "

"What am I really for?" cut Jojo off, leaving me stunned at the question he asked me. Instantly the atmosphere became silent only the sound of ac and clockwork walls in Nick's room. My eyes cannot turn away from him.

"Did I bother you so much that I became a burden to you? Didn't you ever like me? Has my love been clapping one hand? Did I expect too high about the dream of living with my sister?" he asked me questions and I couldn't answer them.

I'm staying away from Jonathan. I don't want to see that look. Eyes full of sadness and disappointment. But an arm stopped my movement. Then the man pulled me into his arms. "Jo, release. What if Nick comes later?"  I tried to get away from him. Enough is enough, don't do the thing that makes me fall to the bottom of the abyss again. Jonathan please don't force me to hurt you again.

"Am I so annoying to big brother? Did I never mean anything to my sister all this time?" his instantaneous asking made me stop the thrashing movement wanting to escape from it.

"Jojo, you're a very good boy, I don't want your kindness to be in vain for me. Our relationship will never work. Your parents must have the best plans for your future, wouldn't you rather follow what your parents say? Sorry disappointed you. I. "my tears are defenseless.

I tried to hold back my tears and go back to telling her what I really felt. "I.love you... Loves you so much. But I can't be selfish, you're not just mine, you still have a family, parents who love you all this time. I can't take you from them. So better, we live each of our lives as before we met. Hopefully one day, you will meet people who love you and all your family will support your relationship. Kudoakan too, hopefully your ideals can be realized. Don't you want to be a game master and an anime maker? Be diligent in studying and getting a college degree so that your parents are proud of you" I said.

I felt something wet on my shoulder, Jonathan's body shaking, he hugged me. "Can't our relationship be like it used to be?" said sobbing.

"Jo, let me go. If God wills another in our relationship, we will meet again someday and God will unite us. But if not, there will definitely be the most beautiful plan for both of us" I comforted him. I let go of her as her hands began to stretch from me. I looked at his face, a man like him was crying in front of me right now. He hid his weak face from me by lowering his head. My finger helped her remove the trail of tears, though my own tears were unstoppable.

"Don't cry. It would be a shame if someone else saw you like this. Be strong, even if we are no longer together. We can meet and be friends, right? Why are you still crying?" I asked who saw him still sobbing. Unknowingly my tears also flowed.

He looked at me, his ever-glowing eyeballs now looking dim as they looked at me, like they were losing their light. "I'll do it like my brother said. I'll try to finish my studies and get a college degree. I will also try to be a game expert and anime maker. I'll prove that I'm not a kid who can only whine. I'll prove to them that my love is unusual" he told me.

I smiled at him and nodded at his words. Covered by my cheeks, he helped wipe away my tears. "Sister don't cry it looks funny, want to feel like I kissed it. Never cry in front of a man other than me" she warned me. I smile. We were like a stupid couple crying while parting and smiling at the same time. Although sad, I want to take it off happily.

He smiled, and the smile came back. I hope our relationship will be better in the future, together or not let time and God Himself determine. Now we both try to be friends, although it sounds very difficult but I will try my best.

Jonathan approaches Nick's desk and approaches the laptop he left behind "I haven't finished it yet. I finished the report in the last two papers, after which we can leave this place. If you want to go home, go home first. I'll clean this place up"

"I'll wait, I also need to know your work is right or wrong. If not, I can work twice. Nick will scold me and tell me to work overtime" I said trying to melt the atmosphere by joking with him.

Jonathan smiled at me who was too anxious about the task he was working on. "Do you think I don't know this report? I also understand" he said starting to boast. This is his true nature in front of me.

"Yes... Yes, class champion" I unknowingly chipped her hair. She smiles. I don't think we can get this close anymore. He started typing the report back into Nick's laptop and I observed beside him.

After half an hour had passed finally, Jonathan finished his report. Then I left a memo message for Nick about his report before leaving his office. Jonathan and I went out together. Though I had told him to go home first, but he remained with his stance, going home together.

We pass through the campus hallway which is quite quiet students, maybe because it is late afternoon and some regular students finish their lectures before 3 am while extension students will start the lecture at 6. "What's the sister going home?" tanyanya turned her head to look at me.

"Bus up, my motorbike entered the workshop" I said without looking at him. When we arrived at a different crossroads, "then I am first" Jonathan did not have time to answer I had walked away from him. He stopped in place until he finally decided to walk beside me. "What are you doing, instead of parking there?" I was surprised and surprised to see his presence.

"I don't want to go to the parking lot, I'm accompanied by my brother to the stop" his smile makes me unwilling, this chest rumbles again, it feels like my cry wants to break let alone see the look of his eyes back at me.

To shake off that feeling, I smiled at him. "Well, after the stop" I said, letting him walk me and walk again beside me.

"Sister, if this is the last time we meet. What's your brother gonna do?" Deg, his words made my heart stop for a split second.

"You're saying what the hell. Pamali said that. We can still meet, we're still one campus even though I'm still one semester away, but we can still meet" my words comforted him and comforted myself who thought the same thing. My school is just one semester away. I'm just going to do the thesis in the final semester. This is the pleasure of students who participate in cross-track programs, so only 3-4 semesters have been completed.

Jojo nodded and tried to smile. Before long, we arrived at the stop. Not many people there was only one man who wore headphones and stood on the back of the pole sign stop. "We come, go home... It's late" I said again telling him to leave because I didn't want this feeling to get selfish anymore.

Actually I do not want to quickly part with him, but if I am with him too long I can be greedy and continue to want to be with him. So it's better to tell him to get away from me immediately.

"Alright then, brother be careful. I'm coming home" he said with a smile on his face.

Damn the nervous system in my brain is starting to betray from its normalcy. "Jo" call me to him. She's looking. "I think I'll break for once" I walked up to him, pulled the collar off his shirt, and then kissed his lips. I felt him surprised because he was staring unresponsive to me. My eyes that were closed slowly opened and was about to let go of my kiss on it, but Jojo pulled my neck and returned my kiss, we got carried away and did not care about anything around us. Until the noise of the bus stops near the stop. Jojo stopped the kiss. Smile at me. "Is this what you call a sweet farewell?" he said in front of my face that might now be flushed.

"Thank you for everything" I said, walking away, running to the bus and riding. I didn't feel like my tears were falling. I shouldn't have done this, it's gonna make me even more greedy, wanting to have it over and over again. Please eliminate this selfish feeling. Anyone help me.