A Tattered Heart
cheptere 1

ever since my parents retired my parents moved to the village ,,,, , , , , 'cause you didn't think it was possible to finance our needs in the big city

like Jakarta ,,,,,,, like ,,,,,,,

for that papa decided to move to the village with consideration of the cheaper cost of living ,,,,,,

because that displacement left our family's economy unstable ,,,,,,,,,,,, that, that ,,,,,,,,,,,

because we have to adjust and live in a new place ,,,,,,,

our life was all short of this going on until I graduated High School ,,,,,

after graduating from school I tried to work,,,,, in order to help the family economy,,,,,,, to, to ,,,,,,,

kasian mama who looks tired of living a hard life during our move in this place ,,,,,,

me and my brother pitted their fate to the island of Java and ended up in west Java ,,,,,, exactly at the top of ,,,,,, they were accepted to work in the Indonesian safari park,,,,,,,,, they were accepted,,,,,,

all my brothers live at the top while I still

wander from one city to another,,,,,,,

but fate brought me back to this village again ,,,,,,

honestly I myself less sreg living in my village because people are quite nyinyir with the lives of others ,,,,,,,,,, people ,,,,,,,

especially if you see people who come home from the city and live hard there is just a gossip material ,,,,,,,

so did their views on our family ,,,,,,,

and that's what makes me,,,,, want to change the state of my family's economy,,,,,,,, that ,,,,,,

,so that they may not look at my family with one eye,,,,,,, or another ,,,,,,,,

kasian mama and papa have always been the pilot material that is not pleasant to hear,,,

I finally decided to end it ,,,,,

whatever I'm gonna do,,,,,, because my parents aren't being teased anymore ,,,,

and this is the beginning of my suffering from starting ,,,,,,,,,

when I was in high school I had a love affair with a young man of Chinese descent named Asiung, a dashing young man who was not very white and his charming smile made me so afraid of his disappearance,,,,

,we're dating break up and hitch back ,,,,

but as soon as I graduated from school I moved with my brother to Jakarta,,,,,, and ,,,,,,

from that moment on we broke off communication and didn't tell each other,,,,,, and ,,,,,,

he's with his world and I'm with my world also ,,,,,

during the 3th we did not share the news of each other ,,,,,,

until finally in the year 94 ,,,,,

I decided to go back to my village again ,,,,,,,

and Tampa purposely we met back ,,,,,,,

since that meeting we have been in frequent communication and Asiung has been visiting me a lot,,,, and ,,,,

finally we tried to rebuild the love that had been cut off,,,,,,, that,,,,,,

we ended up having this relationship ,,,,,,

I so often go both,,,,,, I ,,,,,

making girl girls in my village

it starts to look bright and dislike

I'm not from the rich, however ,,,,,,,

they always say that I'm too obsessed with wanting to be his wife,,,,, you know ,,,,,

and I'm the one chasing Asiung ,,,,, I, I ,,,,,,

asiung and I never cared about that,,,,,, that ,,,,,,

Though I do realize it's true that my neighbors say it's not all wrong,,,,,,, it is ,,,,,

too thick Diding these differences and it would be so hard if we

translucent because of such a glaring difference between the two of us ,,,,,,

from religion,,,, caste,,,,, and living habits ,,,,,,

but what can make me also cape living in deprivation

and become the scorn of the people in my village ,,,,,,,

maybe by changing my parents' economy for the better ,,,,,,,

they'll stop and start being able to appreciate us ,,,,,,

that's why I'm still maintaining this relationship despite Tampa's certainty,,,,,,,, that,,,,,,,,

I tried to make Asiung feel calm and comfortable with me first,,,,,,

after that I just think about my next step ,,,,,,, I ,,,,,,

1th passed until finally 2th we had this relationship ,,,,,,

everything goes ordinary even though the family does not

so problematic

but once the 3rd year means the age of our courtship is almost 6th long enough ,,,,,,

finally my brother started asking me where this relationship was going,,,,, where ,,,,,,

usually I answer with a smile and go leave her ,,,,,,,

I did that because I was confused to answer what ,,,, was ,,,,,

until one day exactly Eid al-Fitr ,,,,,

as usual I went with Asiung to make way ,,,,,,

at the beginning of his intention we just want to walk - just walk,,,,,, usually in the afternoon we also go home ,,,,,,,,,,, usually ,,,,,,,

coincidentally at that time I was also off work Asiung ,,,,,,

we set out early in the morning riding on his beloved big motorbike ,,,,,,,,

we went around the Keling until we forgot about the time when it was night and we had to go home,,,,,,,

because the journey we took was far enough obviously not to allow us to go back home ,,,,,,, obviously ,,,,,,

we finally decided to stay at a friend's house

and it made my family angry and forced Asiung to get engaged to me,,,,,

according to my family it's a disgrace,,,,,,,, that's ,,,,,,,

and it's going to be the neighbors' talk,,,,,, and, of course, it's going to be,,,,,,

I'm finally engaged to,,,,,,, I ,,,,,,

although there was objection from Asiung but he could not refuse because he also felt guilty we were officially engaged,,,,,,,, he could not refuse because he also felt guilty we were officially engaged,,,,,,

asiung and I thought after getting engaged her problem was sorted out ,,,,,,

since the engagement Asiung so free to my house ,,,,,,,

and I started to get banned from having boyfriends,,,,,,,, I was,,,,,,,

with the reason of keeping the neighbor's talk

neighbor talk again until when my parents don't hear the neighbor talk,,,,,,,

let Asiung's fiancee come to my house also not necessarily the day,,,,,

as much as his heart used to be as loving as dating is also like that ,,,,,,,,

it's been up to a year,,,,,,, it's been,,,,,,

one day if it's not wrong our engagement age has been going on for a year ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

and my older sister started asking me when to get married ,,,,,,,,

honestly I was confused to answer because I realized very well to make this happen must be very very very difficult ,,,,,,,,,, to make it happen ,,,,,,,,

not as easy as they imagined ,,,,,,, did they forget ,,,??????

Asiung from a wealthy family, China also with a religion that is clearly not the same as our family how can this hope be a reality,,,,,,,, how,,,,,,,

",Wie how's her fiance's business,,,, when are you getting married ,,,,,????",

"i seem to,,,, I can't believe that mbak ,,,,, seeing the reality between me and Asiung can date and she wants to get engaged to me I'm still half-trust ,,,",

I said honest,,,,,, I said ,,,,,

and that answer was precisely what made Tuty ask

"trus what's the point of fiancee while you're not sure of your status ????"

tanya Tuty is confused ,

I'm going all wrong,,,,,,, I ,,,,,,

free to avoid if they already want to know ,,,,,

I had to answer ,,,,,

" how does that mean we're your fiancees, right,,,,????? Asiung and I were originally not brave in that direction ????? Asiung himself was also confused to answer what klo one day his family asked ????",

answer me down,,,,,,, ,

suddenly my eldest brother walked up to me and said ,,,,,

",oh yes I met wono mas,,,, when I came home from shopping ,,,,,,,

said yesterday someone came to his house ,,,,

krko krko

he asked about Asiung and lastly he asked who the woman who had been invited by Asiung's fiancee ,,,,,,,",

we and our family were surprised to see them looking at each other. ,,,,,,, I. ,,,,,,,

then Tuty asked me which was addressed to me ,,,,,

"stay klo so Asiung family udh tau dong klo you fiancee Asiung Wie,,,,,,,?!??",

change all the eyes look at me, I'm a flutter too ,,,,,

I myself am also not ready if the Asiung family to know ,,,,,,

with half a brick

I answered her,,,,,, I ,,,,

"oh I don't understand mbak mbak ,,,,, Asiung haven't told you what it is,,,,,,,

let him come I try to ask Ama he yes ,,,,, and I beg you to be patient ,,,, you are also patient ma ma ma ma ", ma ",

I answered while looking at my mother,,,,,, you know,,,,,

o Allah may the Asiung family no one come looking for me ,,,,,,,

I'm not ready yet ,,,,

and I hope my two brothers don't push me on ,,,,,

I was so wrong I looked at

my brother's face seemed to be begging them to understand ,,,,,,,

even though I know my two sisters must be the mama who told her to ,,,,,,,,

with feelings of anxiety ,,,,,,

I entered the room when I fell down thinking,,,,,

how to talk to Asiung so we don't have to argue anymore because I'm the laziest klo discuss this problem

must have been angry and had a storm

and I don't want to make a fuss with Asiung because of this ,,,,,,,,,, this ,,,,,,,,,

I remember when I asked Asiung to get engaged ,,,,,,,

with an angry tone Asiung immediately rejected ,,,,,,

because Asiung felt no

make a fatal mistake until you have to be forced to get engaged ,,,,,,,

I remember what he said at the time

"we just didn't come home,,,,, that wasn't on purpose' and we stayed at your friend's house whose parents already knew your parents ,,,,,,,, and we stayed at your friend's house ,,,,,,we also have different rooms,,,,, after all ,,,,,

you sleep where the cave where ,,,,, is ,,,,,

unless we sleep one room maybe ,,,,,,"

said Asiung ,,, with an innocent face ,,,,

at that time I could only bow down and justify his words ,,,,,,

what Asiung said was true ,,,,,

at that time we were different room ,,,, a lot of witnesses ,,,,,,

there's Kumala and her aunt, ', uh ,,,

because it just so happens that this is a holiday so their extended family is gathering ,,,,,

but after I explain the reason ,,,,,, I ,,,,,,

at a new length he would understand,,,,,,

although it looks with a heavy heart and doubt finally

he said in a half-forced and slightly angry voice ,,,,

"okay,,,, klo is just a fiancee I want,,,,,, but when I get married I don't promise ya ,,,,,,,, but ,,,,,,

because you know the position of the two of us ?????

I can't ask for my mom's blessing,,,,,,, I, uh,,,,,,

must mami nolak not to mention my other sister??????

you must understand my difficulties ,?????

unless I have my own business, maybe I dare to say,,,,,,,, maybe,,,,,,,

I myself still hitchhike and work Ama Anyuk my sister,,,, you should have said with your family I am only a porters ,,,,,,,???!!!",

his tone was rather high while exhaling his cigarette smoke upwards

I fell silent and almost cried, most hate klo has been snapped and based even though only through the word ,,,,,,

there is such a deep regret in my heart ,,,,

why should I follow my heart's will to change the fate of this family ,,,,,

until I don't think about my feelings later ,,,,,

oh, my God,,,,, that's, uh,,,,,,

why should I rest my heart ,,,,,,

this love,,,,,,,, this,,,,,,,

and this hope,,,,,, this, this,,,,,,,,

as well as this future ,,,,,,,,

the Asiung ,,,,,,,

I am now fully aware that there is a greater sense of impossibility than in fact ,,,,,,,,

o God I have to how ,,,,,,,,,,?????

this is just me asking to get engaged,,,,,,, this is,,,,,,

what if one day my family demands marriage ????? ,,,,

what I'm about to experience,,,,,,, what ,,,,,,

maybe Asiung's treatment will be more angry and rude to me,,,,

feelings of sadness and confusion ,,,,,,,,

mixed into one finally ,,,,

I doubt if I want to continue or not this relationship ,,,,,,,

if I turn around and leave Asiung ,,,

I thought of my family how ashamed and disappointed they were ,,,,,,,,,

where am I going anyway ,,????

as far as I know, my brother doesn't want me to go anymore ,,,,,

they said they'd been kapok in following me ,,,,,

if not follow them in the region I will not dare to go and live alone ,,,

where else do I want to work ,,,,,???

back to the old place of work ,,,,,,

sure I can ,,,????

the problem is who wants to bring me there who ,,????

sure my brother wants to send ????

my mom said :

when I say I want to go back to Lampung yesterday,,,,,

they said they talked and wanted to go to Mom

"ma,,,,, mending Dewi was told to find work in Lampung aja ,,,,,

do not have to go to Bogor lg make a fuss,,,,, I can not afford if placed Dewi "

so he said

I happened to be her at the time

what if I went back to work in Bogor again ,,,,,

my mom arrived saying that

I can only be silent and think ,,,,,, I ,,,,,,

o Allah, I am in the eyes of my brother ,,,,,,

I finally decided,,,,, rather than being considered a person who could only trouble you,,,,,,, or, rather ,,,,,,,

I'd rather pawn my hopes with Asiung ,,,,,,

anyway I think the same as not wearing a ,,,,,,

yes it is better that I hang my hopes with Asiung alone ,,,,,

suddenly I was thinking,,,,,, I was ,,,,

hmmm don't don't betrothal this is my brother's will so that I don't trouble them lg and so as not to go to Bogor again ,,,,,,,

and their plan materialized ,,,,,

I took a deep breath but I could what ,,,,,,

oh, yeah, that's it,,,, that's it, that's it, that's it,, that's, that, that, that, that, that, that,,,,,,

I've also made this decision ,,,,

although I'm sure this isn't the right decision,,,,,, it's ,,,,,,

but let it be ,,,,, let it be ,,,,,,

what will be the problem later to ,,,,,,,

I looked far ahead like I wanted to break through the time limit I really felt treated unfairly ,,,,,,,,,,, I, I just felt like I was being treated unfairly ,,,,,,,,,

not to mention the pain I felt ended up ,,,,,,,

I have to face the harsh reality lg,,,,,,

what Asiung said and what I feared at that time happened ,,,,,,,,

they started asking and discussing when I was going to get married,,,,,,,,,

I myself Until now have not dared to think about getting married ,,,,,,,,

because there's too much I have to think about,,, uh,,,

for sure I'm not ready ,,,,,,, I'm ,,,,,,,

it's true that we're not ready to face the Asiung 'big family,,,,,, you ,,,,,,

which is said to always look at people with one eye ,

especially if they know I'm just from a poor family,,,,,,, , , 'em,,,,,,,,, ,

maybe I'm just considered a maid in the eyes of her family,,,,,,,, maybe,,,,,,,,

that's why I never asked for the continuity of this relationship ,,,,,,,

I don't dare

until one day Asiung came to the house in the afternoon he told me that he began to wake up shophouses for his own business,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, he said,,,,,,,,,,,

I grinned and was at the same time sad ,,,,,,

because in my little heart I asked who will that shop be for????

who's the lucky lady who's gonna occupy her ,,,,, ??????

is it me or another woman ,,,????

there is a taste that ripples in my heart as I think about it ,,,,,,,

as my sadness and disbelief arose I fully realized who I was,,,,,,,?????

today is so home from work

I intend to see the shophouse that Asiung said ,,,,,,,,

I happen to work at PLN and each time I go home I go through the sling where he built the shophouse ,,,,,

the first day I was less clear,,,,,,, I was ,,,,,,

the second day I saw Asiung was there ,,,,,

the third day I accidentally ate in front of the building and I saw Asiung ,,,,,, there was ,,,,,,

on purpose I didn't call him I didn't want him to know ,,,,,,,,

even though I know ,,,,,,,

but I pretend I don't just know ,,,,,,,,

with passion and looks enthusiastic Asiung began to tell me about his newly built shophouse ,,,,,,,

"that you know, I made shophouses multiplied by tubers on the ground ko Anyuk he told me to open a store there he said there were not many who opened iron shops ,,,,,,,,,, he said ,,,,,,,,

later klo you fit home your work through there right,,,,,, surely, look like there's a new shophouse building,,,,, that's dealing with the Amen ' iron shop,,, that's ,,

I smiled and said a short ,,,,

"yes I saw"

at length Asiung tells his daily life in the building,,,,,,,

in the morning he helps his brother later at lunch time he had time to control the handyman was working on his frame ,,,,,,,

sometimes until the new magrib he comes home ,,,,,

"the reason is that if not monitored continue his handyman will not actually work ,,,,,

so I actually have to supervise the work of a Wie handyman,,,,,,, uh ,,,,,

sometimes when it's too tired to feel tired ,,,,,",

there's a sense of pity klo has heard his story,,,,,

dear also how he should be able to divide the time for all ,,,,,

although he had to supervise the work of a handyman but still help his sister in the store first ,,,,

finally I just reminded him ',,,,,,, uh ,,,,,,

"don't be too tired either don't you get sick ,,,",

Asiung smiled and nodded ,,,,,,

look more excited about telling stories about the principles of life and his spirit to be more independent ,,,,,,,,, to be more independent ,,,,,,,

I just listen and occasionally smile,,,,,, I ,,,,,,

that's what I always did to him,,,,,,, that's what I always did to him ,,,,,,

because of my important intentions she's happy,,,,,,, she's,,,,,,,

let me be a listener ,,,,,

this afternoon as I was coming home from work, I saw my brother talking together, joking from the front,,,,, you know, you know,,,,,

got me out of my room and was intending to join in,,,,

they just came here from Bogor,,,,,,, they,,,,,,

they're looking at Tuty's newly born ,,,,

at first it was normal,,,, we were talking here and there joking around,,,,,,, we were ,,,,,,

the atmosphere also felt very familial ,,,,

so warm and happy but all arrived lost ,,,,,,,

as soon as Asih suddenly asked about my relationship with Asiung,,,,,,, I asked,,,,

"wi gua udh here again you say udh 1th you fiancee,,,, when did you marry her ,,,,, can't you want to continue fiancee ???

why do I become suspicious yes, don't Asiung just playin you alone,

the important thing is fiancee but do not know who is married Ama ,,,,,,????

instead of that mending you find a guy Laen wi ,,,,,,???? the obvious and serious are you ,,,

love dies so dead that you're Ama Asiung ????",,

mbak Asih said, at that time

I'm a little unwell

but from his talk widened to where

quick I answer and just explain ,,,,,,

let them understand,,,,,,,,, and ,,,,,,,,

"not so mbak,,,,, Asiung again make a shophouse for us both after getting married later ,, can't I be told to stay Ama mami ,,,??????besides, where does the mother want Ama people are not as rich as we are,,,,,,,, Ama,,,,,,,

we are just a poor family by chance we are adek work and live in Bogor so do not seem if in fact we are living hard

in the eyes of our neighbors they also believe our klo in Bogor was living a prosperous and successful ,,,,

so they also do not talk about our ugliness Asiung family ,,,,,,

let them know we're the hard guys ,,,,,,,,,,,, uh ,,,,,,,,,,

hmmmmm wasalam mbak,,,,,, uh ,,,,,,

that's why be patient,,,,,,

klo udh time also must be married ,,,,,,,,??????",

finish talking I leave the room on the grounds that there is work from the office that I have to finish ,,,,,,

I'm lazy to have discussed my marriage problems with Asiung,,,,,,.

they don't know and understand what I've been thinking all this time what makes me not dare to marry Asiung all this time ,,,,

they never know and do not want to know the difficulties I face

all they know is that everything is good ,,,,,,

all they know is that I'm deliberately stalling for time to get married ,,,,,,

In the room I cried so that there was a feeling of confusion and annoyance I did not know what to do,,,,,,,,, and,,,,,,,

,klo I nanya Asiung when marriage must be Asiung angry again ,,,,,

like yesterday I had a big fuss because I had a marriage problem ,,,,,,

when I have to be honest, Asiung every time I ask when we marry ,,,,??????

I have to be honest when Asiung is not ready to get married and he does not like that I often ask when to get married ,,,,,,,

there is no way that there are rames can be noisy with Asiung ,,,,,,,

it's also a family fuss,,,,, too,,,,,

the ends cry cry ,,,,,,

Stress really has a bad family and has a fiance like this haduhhhh,,,,,,, like eating fruit simalakama ,,,,,,,,,, like ,,,,,,

this problem lasted for months ,,,,,, my body was thinner than the scale of 60 kg to stay 48 kg ,,,,,,,

this thin body instead of thinking about party plans,,,,,,,,

but think of Asiung when love is certain,,,,,,,,

want to marry me or not ,???????

weird, right ???

there are women chasing after asking to be married when not pregnant ,,,,,,,

rich no self-esteem I'm this ,,,,,,,,

I don't feel good about being a woman,,,,,,,, or ,,,,,,,,

though I was also only 25th at that time ,,,,,,,,

and I'm not unemployed,,,, and,,,

I don't think it's too urgent to be married,,,,,,, I think, anyways,,,,,,,,

except if I'm just at home, so unemployment might be a hassle to my parents ,,,,,,

but it was my family that always governed and dictated my life and my freedom,,,,,, that ,,,,,,

I'm lucky I didn't get pregnant first,,,,,, I did ,,,,,

try if I'm pregnant, I'm gonna get stressed out or I'm crazy and I'm, like,,,,,, I'm, like, I'm ,,,,,,,

,klo every day is always insinuated in saying cheap girls are ,,,,,,

like pungguk misses the moon is ,,,,,,,,

just JD confectionery ,,,,,,,,,

or more severe candidates for Chinese concubines ,,,,,,,,

hadeuhhhh pedes ya neighbor's talk but I can what????,,,,,,,,,,, what, what ????,,,,,,,

besides being quiet and trying to fool???,,,,,,

the truth is I can't tell you I married when ,,,,,,?????

or is it exactly going to marry or not ,,,,,,,????

so they don't think I'm wrong ,,,,,?????

until finally the year changed ,,,,,,,

and I tried to ventured to talk about my problems with Asiung in a more subtle way ,,,,,,,,

"this is 1997 we fiancee 1995 we are dating already 6th yes,,,,, not unexpectedly fiancee 2th,,,,,, berbati long also we are together ya ko,,,,,,but talking about getting married when is ,,,,,,???"

my heart was afraid he was angry again because klo talking about marriage problems we must have a big fuss ,,,,,,

moreover, the end of this relationship we more often fuss than his friendly,,,,,,,

sometimes nyesel also have a relationship with Asiung ,,,,,,,,,

and many like me ,,,,,,

even my former high school teacher had time to express his intention to establish a relationship with me ,,,,,,,

but because I had already mortgaged my expectations with Asiung I just ignored my former teacher ,,,,,,

not to mention my ex-Syan who the soldier repeatedly came and apologized for making me disappointed

and he promised me that if I would forgive his mistakes,,,,, he'd propose to me and ask me to make a household,,,,,,,, he said,,,,,,,

that's why I refused,,,,,,, that's what ,,,,,,,,

yahhhh maybe if mas syan I refuse because I am so disappointed,,,,,,

and his behavior is so humble to my love and loyalty ,,,,,

it's natural ,,,,,,,

yes if I can be honest,,,,, actually, that cyan mas is innocent,,,,,, he's not cheating

or have severed our relationship ,,, instead of ,,,,,

but at that time there was a misunderstanding,,,,,

which makes me very disappointed

until I arrived because of his work I moved to work from Bogor to Jakarta,,,,,,,,

even though he apologized,,,, and admitted it was not his act but the act of his comrade,,,,,,,,, it was ,,,,,,,

but it has offended my pride and loyalty in question ,,,,,,

at that time I repeatedly took him to be serious,,,,,,,,

or at least we're engaged if he's afraid I'm gonna betray him,,,,, uh ,,,,,

by falling in love with another man

I would have if I was just in the Lampung house so unemployed while

wait for him to finish the bond ,,,,,

the important thing is there is clarity about the relationship between me and Yan ,,,,,

but dear at the time I forced her to reject me ,,,,,,,,

and apologize if he can't get any more ,,,,,,,,

because

he's got another pair of beautiful eyes,,,,,,,, he has,,,,,,,

and what broke me even more was that he had been blessed with a boy named

"DEYAN BARA PRATAMA"

like in a lightning strike I was really surprised ,,,,,,,

whose heart is not broken - ,,,,,,,,

whose heart does not hurt,,,,,, who does,,,,,,

whose heart will not be disappointed ,,,,,

which heart is unharmed,,,,, which is ,,,,,

with a broken feeling I returned his letter

and I keep saying congratulations ,,,,,,,.

even though my heart was broken to pieces but I had to be strong ,,,,,,,

the last letter he sent him said it was just me and just a joke

but it hurt my heart,,,,, she thought it was that easy to play with a woman's words and feelings,,,,,, she said,,,,,,

for whatever reason I was disappointed and hurt ,,,,,,

though I never asked for more I just needed certainty ,,,,,,

with certainty I can better believe who I belong to,,,,,,, that ,,,,,,

finally I moved work again from Bogor to Mayestik ,,,,, and means this has 3 times moved work because it was a mas syan ?

shortly after I moved to work in Jakarta ,,,,,,,

I can't believe I received a letter from Asiung ,,,,,,, I ,,,,,,

he was figuring out my whereabouts and circumstances ,,,,,,

almost twice a week she sent me love letters ,,,,,, 'em ,,,,,

we tell stories and reminisce about our past courtship in Lampung ,,,,,,,

and I finally chose to reverse it again with Asiung aja ,,,,,,

I don't know the relationship I have with Asiung what's her name ,,,????

for sure I'm tired of sailing again ,,,,,, I'm ,,,,,,

and , I just want to lean back, my ass is round to get back into the arms of Asiung ,,,,,, I ,,,,,

but it turned out that my choice was wrong,,,, this dock isn't ready for my ship to lean on,,,,,,,,, it's not ready ,,,,,,,,

the waves are still big and the support pole is not there yet ,,,,,,,,

even though I know my choice was wrong,,,,,,, I know, I did ,,,,,,,

but what else,,,,,, you know,,,,,

if I wanted to go back to sailing, this ship would no longer be able to ,,,,,, no, no more ,,,,,,

o God I have to how ,,,,,????

shortly afterwards, Asiung answered,,,,,,, and ,,,,,,,

"not next month because the month of February adek cave also want to marry may not cave marriage first let sek ling wedlock first most of April lah,,,,,, the,,,,,

, but we eloped, huh????? it means we marry diem do not need to be celebrated once the end of the morning kabul we leave for Bogor ,,,,,, honeymoon there,,,,, so the cave family does not know ,,,,,,,, the ,,,,,how ???,, you agree that rather than us not so mending marriage is it wi???",

asiung asked while looking at me ,,,,,,,

oh, my God,,,,,, that's,,,,,,,

hearing her sayings like that I was surprised,,,,,,,

I don't know anymore ,,,,,,,, I don't know ,,,,,,,

should I be sad or happy ,,,,?????

is there a woman who has experienced the way I have experienced,,,,, is she, happy ??????

god wants to marry like this how will you live with him,,,,,,, ,,?????

the wishful thinking that I had designed and I would have broken to pieces,,,,,,,, that,,,,,,,

it didn't quite work out what I expected,,,,,,,, it did,,,,,,,

all this time I have been so amazed by the figure of Asiung ,,,,,

I thought of being king and queen for a day,,,,,,,, I thought,,,,,,,

I want to show everyone that my choice is the right choice,,,,,,, my choice ,,,,,,,

I want all women to be amazed by my choices ,,,,,,

but unfortunately everything turns into fear and doubt,,,,, and,,,,

as well as regrets ,,,,,,????

I doubt if Asiung is the right choice for my last pier ,,,,,???

because since near our wedding day

I noticed Asiung so turned rude and grumpy what was impatient ,,,,,,

this is the original nature of her ,,,,,,

why did I become a stranger to seeing my future husband ,,,,,

the future father of my son,,,,,,, the,,,,,

Asiung is now turning ,,,,

so often angry and ,,,,

frequently berating me ,,,,,

it's not uncommon to even lower me ,,,,,,

also my family's,,,,,, my, my ,,,,,,

what if I get married later ,,,,,,???????

the more I hesitated to continue this step ,,,,,

while I was busy with my heart and mind ,,,,,,

I didn't realize that Asiung

watching myself with dislike feelings ,

he got upset and started yelling at me ,,,,,,

I'm surprised amazingly ,,,,,,

"woiiiii ,,,,,!!!!????!!!! you are the habit of klo invited to talk seriously even bengong himself ,,,???!!, yes it is up to you just ,,,,,,!!!?? so sukur marriage is not also bodo very ,,,,,,,!!! giddy cave Ama you there your family,,, make a fuss !!!"

he hit me on the shoulder and went to the courtyard of the house ,,,,,

it just so happened that at that time my parents were not in the house,,,,,,, my parents were not at home ,,,,,,

and my sister's playing behind the house ,,,,,,,,

I'm really shocked,,,,,, I ,,,,,

but hunting after him I was afraid he was angry and left again,,,,,,,,

half-begging I said

" i'm sorry,,,,, it's up to you that I go, I beg you not to be angry,,,,,,, I'm going with you"

Asiung turned his head and rubbed my head ,,,,,,

while smiling,,,,,,, he ,,,,,,

oh, my God,,,,, that's, uh,,,,,,

fortunately he's not angry ,,,,,

after that incident my family started to set her wedding date ,,,,,

I always want Wanti not to be too excited later afraid of Asiung family coming and ruin his show ,,,,,

Eventually the marriage happened too many came ,,,,,

most of the guests who came to my parents' invitation were ,,,,,,,

I'm not dressed up in rich brides in general

I'm just wearing a kebaya and a long veil, I don't know who ,,,,,,, you know, I have ,,,,,,,,

it's really kind of like people want to study,,,,,,, like ,,,,,,

still fashionable and beautiful if I want to go condangan rather than be a bride ,,,,,,,

no beautiful impression at all,,,,,,,,,,, that,,,,,,,,,

it all feels bland,,,,,, it's ,,,,,

I don't smile happily at all ,,,,,,,

there is only fear that if the Asiung family arrives and angry angry ,,,,,,

I had a really messed up feeling when it was ,,,,,,,,

Thank God it's over this wedding,,,,,,, it's,,,,,

I'm officially married to Asiung,,,,,,, I,,,,,,,

the next morning I went straight to the story of her wanting to honeymoon ,,,,

because at the time of the wedding event I no longer feel happy at all

I hope my happiness will come on my honeymoon with my husband Asiung,,,,,, I, I ,,,,,,,

I packed with happy feelings and a million hopes ,,,,,,

my rental car has come,,,,, I can't wait to go to Bogor ,,,,,,, I can't wait ,,,,,,

along the way I joked with my sister ,,,,,

once at the junction we parted I continued to Cipanas

my brother went home to his,,,,,,, my ,,,,,,

this is where the disappointment for the disappointment I feel ,,,,,,,

hope lives hope because every day I am wrong in her eyes,,,,,, every day ,,,,,,

all I got was anger and rage,,,,,,,, I got, I got,,,,,,,

there is no love at all ,,,,,,,

not as it seems

newlyweds ,,,,,,,,,,

Asiung keeps thinking of buildings ,,,,

long ago I didn't feel at home,,,, and I decided to just go home ,,,,,

the guy's here but his mind is in Lampung,,,,,,,, his mind,,,,,,

did he forget we were on our honeymoon,,,,,????

does this not mean anything to him ,,,,,,???

it turns out that the building of his skeleton is more fulfilling to his mind,,,,,,,,

that's what makes him so easy

angry and angry over here ,,,,

long ago I was also uneasy and sprained ,,,,,,

it's a honeymoon or

picnic same boss ,,,,,,,

I finally got home sooner than I originally planned

I haven't thought about honeymooning on a mole,,,,,,,, I,,,,,,,

mending a spit of chips home to ,,,,,,

caught klo at home he wants to work or want to go to my house,,,, explained Deket Ama building her ,

"we go home only yuk important we have married this ,,,, honeymoon is not okay ,,,,, we go home aja yes ,,,,,",

Asiung welcomed my invitation with a happy feeling ,,,,

Tampa the base stale and postpone it again ,,,

he quickly packed up to go home,,,,,

at the top I had only three days ,,,,,,,

finally I went to my mother's house in Lampung,,,,,,,,, I ,,,,,,,,,

as soon as she got home she took a short break straight away to her mom's house ,,,,,,,

"Wie I go home first yes,,,,, my mind is not good to be afraid of mami what hit ,,,,, later I come again nginep ,,,,, _"

" you said you used to not feel good not waiting for your mom to come home,,,,, notar mama nyariin ,,,,,,"

"you told me my mom was talking papa aja ya ,,,,,

it's really a bad feeling,,,,,,, this is,,,,,

I go home yeah,,,,,,, I ,,,,,,

want anything else ????

marriage is already , the road is already ,,,,,

yes, I went home "

hearing her talk like that as if this marriage is not a sacred thing ,,,,,,

with a heavy heart I let him go home ,,,,,,

papa looks confused but assures also ,,,,,,

finally Asiung came home and I was in my mother's house first ,,,,, I ,,,,,

although this happiness has not been on my side ,,,,

it's important that I can silence my family's mouth and that my neighbor's mouth makes me happy ,, ,,,,

although I knew from the beginning my goal was wrong ,,,,,,

and I never thought about the consequences of that mistake ,,,,,,

yes, that is life sometimes we think and may not match reality,,,,,, or ,,,,,,

what we consider easy turns out to be so difficult to realize ,,,, this is not how likely it will be in the future will be more difficult and drain tears ,,,,,,

we never know what's going to happen ,,,,,,

only God knows,,,,,,,,, that ,,,,,,,,,

for sure we pray that we can get through his ,,,,,,