THE SAD JOURNEY OF LOVE
TWO YEARS LATER

Two years later, my husband has not changed either. I cried every night, tired of waiting like this, we were like strangers who had just met.

The romance we created was gone. Even though the condition remained that way, I still treated him and wasted everything he needed. My illness is still well preserved and though he never asked me what medicine I was taking. My happiness has been lost, the hope of being a mother has also been me damned. I don't know when this is gonna end.

I have my own income from my activities as a teacher, so I don't have to ask him for money just for my cancer treatment. I also just take medication as much as I can.

The husband I once adored and I was proud of, has now become a stranger to me, whenever I ask he always tells me to think for myself. Suddenly that night after dinner, my husband called me.

"Yes, what's up Dad!" I said by calling her favorite name "Dad".

"Lusa we get ready to Sabang ya." Reply firmly.

"What's wrong? Why?", I said full of astonishment.

My once gentle husband suddenly became violent, he yelled at me. So there is no further discussion between us.

He said "You come along don't ask too many questions!!"

Then I quickly packed up the things that would be brought to Sabang while crying, sad because my husband now I do not know anymore.

Two years of dating, five years of marriage and 2 years of being a stranger to me. I saw our once warm, loving room adorned with our wedding photos, now it's cold. I cried with this confusion. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't.

My husband doesn't like rough women, talks high, slams things. He said the act showed disrespect to him. I can only wait for him to speak and patiently treat my illness, in my solitude..

***

We have arrived in Sabang, I still feel tired because all night I did not sleep because I kept thinking. His extended family had also gathered there, including his mother and sisters. I don't know what this show is..

My husband and I went into our room. My husband did not feel at home in the old room, he immediately went out to join his extended family.

I just unpacked our suitcase and wanted to put it in an old closet near the door, an old closet that had been there before my husband was suddenly born Aunt Lia, a very good aunt called me to quickly gather in the middle room, I also headed to the family room in the middle of the big house, which looked like a Dutch heritage house.

Then I sat down next to my husband, and my husband looked down full of silence, I dare not ask him.

Suddenly his grandmother, who was considered the oldest and most entitled to everything, opened the conversation.

"Alright, since you've gathered, grandma wants to talk to you, Fisha". Her grandmother spoke very firmly, with a sharp look in her eyes.

"What's wrong, Grandma?" I asked full question..

She replied, "You've been with our family for almost 8 years, so far we haven't seen any signs of a perfect pregnancy because you've always miscarried!!".

I cried..for this am I invited here? To be insulted or to be separated from my husband?

"Actually we already had a candidate for Fikri, long ago. But Fikri's a stubborn, unruly boy, and finally married him to you." His grandmother spoke very loudly, maybe the Sabang people's dialect was like that.

I could only smile and see my husband's blank face.

"And I heard from your mother-in-law that you've met her" her grandmother continued the conversation.

My husband was silent, but I saw his tears. I wanted to hug my husband so he could be strong with all this, but I didn't have that courage.

His grandmother still spoke at length and the last of her words with a very challenging face and then said, "what do you want? you were either mated or divorced?"

Masyay Allah.strengthen this heart.I want to fall unconscious. This heart was as if crushed to hear it, breaking my heart. Why is his family acting this way towards me..

I've always covered this up from both my parents who live on the island 

wood, they think I've been so happy the last 2 years.

"Fish, answer!." His mother asked me to answer.

I held my husband's hand. With cold and trembling hands I replied firmly.

"Even if I can't have a discussion with my priest, but I can discuss with him through the heart, for the good and the future of this family, I'll welcome a new woman to our home."

That's what I answered, in other words I'm willing to share my love. And at that very moment my husband looked at me with tears, but not a single tear fell before them.

I asked my husband, "Who is going to be my best friend in our house?"

My husband replied, "He's Desi!"

I took a breath and immediately spoke, "When is the wedding going on? What should I prepare for in this marriage, Grandma?."

My father-in-law replied, "The wedding is 2 weeks away."

"Well if so I will call the maid at home, to tell her to take care of our KK to the village tomorrow", after talking like that I'm sorry to leave the room.

These tears will come down, I walk very fast, I open the door and I sit on the bed. I want to scream, but I'm here. It is not strong to accept this, my love has been shared. Be ill. Accompanied by my illness..

Is this why my husband has been a stranger for the past 2 years?

I walked to the dresser, I opened my veil, I reflected and wondered, "are I not beautiful?"

I take my comb, I leave my hair that falls out every day. I saw my face, I was no longer beautiful, my hair was almost gone. My head was bald in the middle.

Suddenly the door of this room opened, it turned out that my husband was coming, he was standing behind me. I didn't wipe away these tears, I quickly looked at her from the dresser mirror.

We were silent for a moment, then I started talking, "thank you dad, you gave me a friend. So I don't have to be sad anymore when left you later! Aren't you?."

My husband nodded while looking at my head but not in the least he smiled and asked why my hair was falling out, he just said don't wear shampoo wrong.

In my heart I asked, "why is he so ignorant?" and he no longer spoils me. Then he said, "it's late, we're resting yuk!"

"I pray Isya I used to sleep" I replied calmly.

In prayer and in sleep I cry. I count down the time, when will I share my husband with him. I was busy with my husband's wedding.

I didn't know that Desi was Sabang, either. Never mind, this might be my destiny. I want my husband to come back to the way he used to be, who pampered me so much for his love and affection.

***

The night before my husband's wedding day, I wrote my heart out on my laptop.

On my laptop I wrote the last time I saw my husband, I was angry at my husband who had abandoned me. I cried to see my husband in deep sleep, what was my fault? until it was cruel to me. I 

save in mydocument with the caption "I Love You My Husband."

The wedding day has come, I'm ready, but I can't get out. I stood by the window, I saw the sun, because I might never see the light again. I stood for a very long time and my husband, who was ready in his bridal attire, came in and spoke to me.

"Are you ready?"

I wiped away the tears that were dripping on my face and said :

"Later if she is your legal wife, when you bring her into this house, wash her feet as you washed my feet first, then when you go into the bridal chamber recite the do'a in the crown as you did to me. Then after that.", my words stopped because I could not continue the conversation, I wanted to explode.

Suddenly my husband replied "Then what is Mother?"

I was shocked to hear that word, which I had lowered my head at once I immediately looked at him with sparkling eyes...

"Can you repeat what you said just now?", I asked to believe that this ear was not misheard.

She nodded and said, "Well mommy will repeat, then what's mother?", as she stroked my face and wiped my tears, she slightly bowed because she was so tall, I was just sober.

He smiled as he said, "We'll see!". He hugged me and said, "the mother is the most powerful woman I have ever met other than my mother".

Then he kissed my forehead, I hugged him tightly and said, "Dad, is this coming to an end? Where have you been? Why did Dad change? I miss Daddy? I miss Daddy's affection? I miss Dad's money? I'm lonely Dad? And one more thing you should know, that I never committed adultery! In the first time we dated, I could not forget it, after 4 months with my new father I could accept, if in front of me it was the man I was looking for. Not that I ever committed adultery, Dad." I immediately prostrated myself at his feet and the mummy of my priest's feet as I said, "I'm sorry Dad, it has made you difficult".

At that moment, he lifted my body, he just cried.

He hugged me for so long, 2 years I waited for him to come back. Suddenly my stomach ached, she realized that something was wrong with me and she asked, "mommy's okay, right?" ask her worriedly.

I replied, "being able to hug and see you come back as it used to make me good, Dad. I just can't talk right now". Because he's getting married. I don't want to worry him. He must be solemn to undergo the wedding ceremony procession.

***

After the mosque arrived, the ijab-qabul began. I sat across from my husband.

I saw my husband sitting side by side with the woman, making this heart jealous, wanting to shout saying, "Dad don't!!", but I remembered my condition.

This heart thumped when hearing the ijab-qabul. As soon as Ijab-qabul was done, I took a deep breath. Aunt Lia, that good aunt, hugged me. In my heart I am trying to strengthen this heart. Yeah. I'm strong.

I couldn't see them sitting next to each other. The people at the reception were so sorry to see me, they looked at me with a very strange look, maybe looking at my smiling face, but behind it my heart was crying.

Arriving home, my husband just went into the house. Not washing his feet. I was very surprised by his behavior. Did he not like this marriage?

Meanwhile Desi was warmly welcomed into my husband's family, unlike my former self, who was hostile.

I can't sleep tonight, how can I? My husband will sleep with the woman I am so jealous of. I don't know what they're doing in there.

A third of the night when I wanted to pray my lail came out for ablution, then I saw a man who looked like my husband sleeping on the central couch. I approached and then I saw. Masha Allah, my husband did not sleep with the woman, he was sleeping on the sofa, I sat on the sofa while stroking his tired face, suddenly he held my left hand, of course I was shocked.

"You came here, I know" he said. I smiled and prayed lail. After the lail prayer he said, "pardon me, I must not hurt you, you are suffering because of my ego. Tomorrow we go back to Jakarta, let Desi go home with my mom, dad and my sisters"

I looked at him in astonishment. But he immediately invited me to rest. While sleeping he hugged me very tightly. I smiled, this hasn't happened in a long time. O God, will You send the angel of death to take my life now, for I have felt his presence at this time. But still can you allow me to feel the warmth of my husband who has been missing for 2 years..

My husband whispered, "Mother is skinny?"

I cried in silence. The hug I can still feel.

I said, "Dad why don't you sleep with Desi?"

"I miss you Mother, I don't want to hurt you anymore. You've often been hurt by my selfish attitude." My husband softly answered like that.

This heart ached when it was slandered by my husband, when there was no trust in him, just because of the talk of his family who had never seen how sincerely I loved this lifetime partner.

I just replied, "I told you that. I have never committed adultery and I love you as sincerely as my heart, if I only pursue your property, why would I choose you? Though many men are more established than you at that time Well. If I were only after your treasure, I wouldn't be crying every day for suffering to love you."

Either I have to be happy or I have to be sad because my best friend is alone in the bridal room. That night, I resolved my problem with my husband and tried to forgive him and his family's attitude as well.

Because I don't want to die in a heart full of hate.

***

The next day...

When I want to wake up to take ablution, my head is dizzy, my uterus hurts so much. I have bleeding and my husband is shocked not to play, he immediately carried me.

I was also taken to the hospital..

From a distance I heard my husband's death..

I felt my hands wet..

When I opened my eyes, I saw my husband's face filled with worry.

He held my hand tightly.. And say, "Mother, I'm sorry..."

Many times he said that. In my heart, does he know what happened to me?

I said in a soft voice, "Well, mom wants to go home. Mother wants to meet both parents, anterin mommy there yes, Dad.."

"Dad, don't change again! Promise yes, Dad... !!! Mother loves me very much with Daddy."

Suddenly my legs hurt so much, the pain went up, my legs could no longer move. I saw his handsome face, teary-eyed.

Before this eye is closed, I recite the sentence of the creed and closed with a sentence of tahlil.

I am happy to see my husband have a replacement for me..

I am happy to always serve him in joy and sorrow..

Accompanying her in when she was having difficulties from our courtship until we got married.

I am happy to have married her. He is my breath.

To my Mother-in-law: "I'm sorry I was present in your child's life until I lived in your child's heart, know Ma. I always prayed for Mama to bless our relationship. Why do you slander me in front of my husband, do you have proof Ma? Why are you so jealous of me Ma? Fikri is still yours Ma, I never told him to disobey you, I always understood what you wanted from your son, but why you hated me. With Desi you're very kind but with me your son-in-law you're the opposite."

***

After I opened the laptop, I read my wife's curses.

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Dad, why does your family hate me so much?

I was insulted by their father.

Why are they so kind to me when you are?

Once I met Dian on the street, I reprimanded him because he was my sister-in-law but I was greeted with a face of dislike. Very visible Dad..

But when you were with me, Dian was very kind, very sweet and she called me with a call that respected me a lot. Why is that like dad?

I can't talk to you about this, 'cause I know you must be defending your sister, it's pointless..

I was kicked out of the hospital.

I can't take care of my husband.

I was jealous of Desi who was very familiar with my in-laws.

He came to the hospital every day with my father-in-law.

I'm so mad..

If I talk about this to my husband, he will definitely defend Desi and 

her mother's..

I don't want to be hurt anymore.

God strengthen me, forgive me..

You are Most Fair..

Give this justice to me, O God..

Dad has changed, you don't love me anymore..

I'm trying to be independent dad, I won't be spoiling you anymore..

I'm strong dad in this pain..

Look, Dad, I'm strong even though this cancer keeps on attacking me..

I can do this all by myself Dad..

My husband will marry that woman tomorrow.

The woman I hate, whom I despise.

But I can't be selfish, it's for the happiness of my husband's family.

I need to be self-conscious.

Dad, actually I don't want to be cheated on by you.

Why should Desi be my best friend?

Dad. I still don't want to.

But I have to accept it.

My husband had his second wedding this morning.

I hope I still have time to see him smile for me.

I would love to feel his last love.

Before this time came to pick me up.

Dad. I miss daddy..

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And now I have brought you to your parents, Mother..

I will visit you once a month with Desi on this Wood Island.

I will always bring you pink roses that reflect the joy of your sick heart pierced by thorns.

Mother remains beautiful, always smiling while sleeping.

Mother will always live in the heart of father.

Mommy.. Desi's not like you, who's never mad..

Desi is so different from you, she never cleans my ears, my hair never creambathnya, my feet never washed.

I'm sorry I abandoned you for 2 years, you're sick I don't care, living in your solitude..

If Dad does not abandon Mother, maybe you can still sleep with the caress of Mother's delicate hand.

Now I realize that I really need my mom..

Mother, you're the toughest woman I've ever met.

I'm sorry to have been absorbed in my selfishness..

Mother.I'm sorry.. Mother sleep remains sweet. Your smile is seen in your long sleep.

I'm sorry, I can't be fair and happy for you, I always agree with what my mother said, because I'm afraid to be an ungodly child. I'm sorry when you were slandered by my family, I just believed.

Will you have a replacement father in heaven?

Does Mom wait for Dad there? Stay loyal there?

Wait for Daddy there, Mother..

A whisper? Like you're waiting for Dad here.. I'm begging..

Dear Father Mother..