THE SAD JOURNEY OF LOVE
I NEED YOUR HELP, ROBB

I want peace I need your help, Robb. I will lay all these supplications before You, O God. It could be that the doctor will make a verdict with his analysis, but you are the almighty over everything. You are all that grips destiny, this pain is from You, O God, and I beg of You for healing and healing."

All efforts and do'a do not tire do for the recovery of my wife. I went through my nights with a long prostration beside the hospital ward. I put my face on the prayer mat even deeper, suddenly I felt I did not have any strength, I was in a weak surrender and servitude.

"Robbs...You know how much we have done. No surrender of us against this disease, now I leave everything to You, no power can defeat Your strength...Robb, show me your help, give my wife a cure..God."

At that time my wife could still speak even in a less clear voice. Because his throat was already narrowed blocked by cancer, he was very difficult to breathe. In anticipation of not being blocked by her airway, the doctor suggested that a ventilator be put on my wife's neck. I also agreed to it even though I could not bear it, but this is the smallest risk that can be taken.

My wife resigned, she asked me to accompany her to the operating room. I understand very well that he was very afraid of the medical equipment in the operating room. Then I accompanied him into the operating room for the installation of the Ventilator. I saw clearly my wife's neck slashed and then put in the breathing apparatus. "Actually I can't bear to see you like this mother, but this is what's best for you right now."

...THE STORY GOES BELOW...

Finished installation ventilator talk no longer sound. From then on our communication was practically by gesture or sometimes my wife wrote it on small note sheets that I deliberately prepared. Of course, this felt tired to him. But once again he looked strong I never heard him complain.

Finally with various considerations I also agreed to do chemotherapy for my wife

6 April 2008 ...

About 12 pm the first stage of chemo is carried out. With an uncertain feeling I saw the doctor concoct the medicine with complete safety equipment. According to doctors, this drug is hard.

"God gave strength to my wife...!" Give healing through this medicine, O Allah..!"

Throughout the treatment process I unceasingly offer do'a and dzikir assisted with several family members.

According to the chemo doctor this is done in 3 to 5 stages. One stage of chemo takes 5 days then a 3-week pause to proceed to the next stage.

The second day after chemo at about 9 pm, my wife began to feel nauseous and vomiting. The third day at 12 pm began to come out nosebleeds with thickened black blood. The fourth day at 8 am when I bathed and cleaned his mouth which continuously released mucus, there was mucus mixed with black blood and thickened.

According to the doctor, this is a sign that the cancer has begun to disintegrate. In the evening my wife slept very well and did not cough up as much phlegm as the days before.

Thank goodness the first stage of chemo was completed. The doctor said if my wife's condition improves then three more days can go home. Seen the bright face of my wife when she heard this news. "later to go home to where bun... to Sawangan what to Kebayoran (mother's house)?"

"to Sawangan is our own home" he answered through a piece of paper. But it turns out that two days later he had severe diarrhea is a side effect of chemo drugs, so his condition returned to limp. The plan must be postponed waiting for his condition to improve. But the more days my wife's condition dropped. Until the second stage of chemo even albumin in his blood decreased.

During the treatment my wife requested that I bathe her myself, even I cleaned her feces. Everything I did was painstakingly because I felt it was time to repay all the good he had done to me all along. When my wife is healthy she always takes care of me, accompanies me and always prepares all my needs.

For almost a month at the Hospital we felt like we had found a new family. Familiarity was established between us and the team of doctors, with the sisters even with cleaning service that cleaned my wife's room every day. I was happy when one day my wife could laugh cheerfully joking with the sisters despite her silent laughter.

Sunday, 4 May 2008 ...

Chemo stage 2 is performed. It seems that God really tested my patience. When chemo was about to be done, a 1000cc infusion tube used for a mixture of chemo drugs turned out to be absent. Hospitals are running out of stock, and this is a recklessness that shouldn't have happened.

Because of course the hospital has known the schedule of the implementation of this chemo. Angry doctors. Then the Doctor advised me to immediately buy myself an infusion tube elsewhere. My goal is RSCM as the nearest hospital, but if you go to RSCM using a vehicle will take a long time because the road is twisted. I ran in the hot sun at 12 noon to RSCM. But there was no available, then I ran again to Sant Carolus Hospital, in the nil.

...THE STORY GOES BELOW...

Likewise when I went to the Pharmacy melawai could not get it. I finally got the infusion tube at the Titimurni Hospital Pharmacy. Kramats. Finally, stage 2 chemo can be done.

Today Dinda our little boy's 4th birthday. My wife's attention and love for her child never waned. Limiting his helplessness he wrote something, "Dad don't forget to buy a gift for Dinda, dad buyin jacket later mom drop mukena, pity mukena dede already ugly. Tell this dede mukena of mother."

At my wife's request that afternoon as a sign of gratitude we cut 2 pieces of birthday cake, one of which is to be distributed to the guard sisters. Then my wife asked to be helped out of bed, she said she wanted to sit with Deket Dinda. He tried to give Dinda a happy smile and hide her pain. While Dinda seemed happy in her mother's seat, she probably thought her mother was just an ordinary pain. The "happy Birthday" song we sang sounded bitter in my ears. I felt so sad I was staring at them.

Tuesday, 13 May 2008 ...

Normally if my wife wanted something she would wake me up by knocking on the iron of her bed. But that night I felt very sleepy and tired, I wrote a message to my wife, "bun.then if you need anything call a nurse! Dad coughed and cape, don't wake up!" With a weak signal he agreed to my request, he rubbed my hand and wrote something "dad sleep a gapapa kok, mother also want to rest."

Wednesday, 14 May 2008 ...

I don't know why I wanted to take care of her this morning. When he was again attacked by diarrhea many times which was very great I myself who cleaned everything. Then bathe her and change her clothes. That morning I asked Lia our eldest child who was still sitting in 5th grade Elementary to take care of her mother, before I left for work.

At 11 pm Lia called "Dad, mother fainted her breath very short." I was shocked and very worried. Lia sms 15-minute interval "the mother is now in the ICU room". Astaghfirullah haladzim. I immediately asked permission to leave the office. At the Hospital I found Lia crying a hiccup did not stop. "mother well.. please mama yahh....!"

I approached my wife who was unconscious. The nurse put all the equipment on my wife's body, no matter what it was. I slowly rubbed his forehead, it was cold. His hands and feet were cold. Until Maghrib I did not move from his side. This mouth does not stop praying. Outside the ICU, many relatives arrived.

His blood pressure is below 70. Doctors administer blood pressure-boosting drugs at high doses. His blood pressure had risen but was still in the range of 75-80, very low. Many times doctors inject stimulants but the results remain unchanged. The doctor called out to me, my feelings of uneasiness erratic, a jumble of anxiety, worry and dread. My guess is that the doctor gave up.

Seeing his condition that continues to decline he suggested that all the aids be removed only. "meaning doc..?" I pointed to an explanation. "medically the condition of the mother can no longer be helped, we better pray it will." I was really limp to hear my whole body trembling with goosebumps "is there really no hope." Suddenly I felt a great fear. I do not want to give up, I ask that all the tools remain attached to my wife's body, while waiting for the decision of the doctor team tomorrow morning.

"I don't want to lose you, Mother." I hold his fingers firmly, "open your eyes mother for a moment, I want to look into your clear eyes for the last time," I whispered softly in his ear.

At 22, I was presented with a statement letter, I did not have time to read it, said the nurse is a letter of approval to remove all the tools from my wife's body. "I can't afford to do this bun, I want to keep looking at your face, I want to stay with you even in your helplessness."

Finally my sister signed it. I don't always want to be guilty if I sign that letter. Then all the tools were removed from my wife's body, only left the heartbeat detector.

"Bun..this is the best God has given us, forgive father bun father can not take care of mother. I sincerely mother go, I accept all with Ihklas bun.. Don't worry bun, I'll take care of our children" I whispered in my wife's ear.

I met Lia who was waiting outside the ICU room, I stroked her hair full of love. He was crying out loud, maybe he understood what I meant. "Mother..... Lia don't want to lose mother, don't stay lia mothera..!!" His cry squealed, grabbing the attention of everyone in this ICU waiting room. All eyes looked at us but they were silent as if they were perfumed with our circumstances.

In every series of my prayers I never say the words give up "if you want to take it then ease," I never mention those words. I always ask for healing, healing because I really want my wife to be healed.

It seems that now I have to give up and surrender "Yes.. Robb, if You have chosen another path, I am sincere, O Allah.., ease my wife's path to face you with solemn khootimah."

According to the nurse in this condition the patient can still hear. I guided my wife to the phrase "LAAILAHA ILLALLAH MUHAMMADUR ROSULULLAH.." I slowly guided her. I felt like I understood every breath, our bodies were like fused together. I repeated it many times with slow breaths. Two clear hairs puffed out from the corner of his eye. I felt like he was able to follow this sentence, thank you God..!

Thursday, 15 May 2008 ...

I woke up when suddenly a nun called out "Family mother Siti Nurhayati..!" I rushed into the ICU room, the clock pointed at 05:05, still early in the morning with the cold infiltrating the bones. "Sir, sir, mother is no more" said the nurse was brief. Although I know what that means, but I still can't believe it. I looked at the screen that was connected to my wife's body. No one moves there anymore.

Like being struck by lightning, I caught my wife's limp. Her lips cut into a smile. "INNA LILLAAHI WAINNA ILAIHI ROOJIUUN." I sat next to him but no more tears came out. "Bun, I'm willing to let go, God has chosen the best path for us."

Happy Road My wife.

Wallahua'lam bish Shawwab....