Diandra Dilemma
New Sheet

Tommy brings a new color to my life. But the memories of Juna don't go away that easily, I still hope for him even though it's impossible.

Tommy who also started to get along with my uncle who was a rancher started a business together and made Tommy stay longer in my village.

I've spent a lot of time with him in the last few weeks.

Makes my heart wobble a little, even though my deepest heart still wishes for my first love to return.

But with all her kindness and sincerity, am I able to endure not falling in love again?

"In, what's the bengong here? Here come down, the water is clear and you know!" Take her while splashing the river water on me.

I just laughed while trying to avoid the splashing water.

Tommy also undressed his boss and swam happily. One of his hobbies is swimming, eating it he is very happy when he knows there is a clear river in my village, well although not as wide and as good as the pool at home.

Tommy told me, he was indeed a family man because his father was a successful businessman, but not much different from Dena, his parents were separated but when he was a child, he was a successful businessman, when his father was a small trader and his life was all right. Because of the hard work and of course the prayer to the Rabb, his father managed to succeed with some culinary efforts, so Tommy wanted to follow in the footsteps of the Father who would not waste the opportunity in business. One of them is doing business with my uncle. Although still quite lay in the world of livestock farming, but he is quite sure the opportunities and profits are quite promising. Although just giving capital, he also wants to really understand how the world of livestock, to be willing to rent a house to live in for a few days in my village.

There are two treasures Karun will be obtained here, if he wants to be patient and try he said, making me spontaneously ask what treasure is meant?

"Gain in the livestock business of course, and .. "he said stopped for a moment and looked at me deeply, "You .." he said later.

Makes me instantly shocked and stiffly speechless. My body and lips were confused to hear him say that the treasure he sought was me. I don't have a word to say.

On the one hand, Tommy is a fun guy who is always able to make me laugh freely and quite comfortable. But on the other hand, there was Juna with a still unfinished wound that made it difficult for me to accept new people, moreover, I was afraid and did not want to make Tommy disappointed if I finally could not accept it fully and continue to imagine Juna. The man I was still hoping to come back for a little while.

Fighting with the past that I still want to solve completely is not an easy thing, but also very torturous and makes me the most naive and selfish person.

"I have to think of Diandra, I don't mean it. Let it flow, when your heart is ready anytime I have." His words made me feel like a bad person who forced him to wait without certainty.

And I couldn't answer it, just spreading my gaze to avoid the cries that might break because of the strong resentment of loving first love without this certainty. The first love that may never come back.

It started late in the afternoon, and we rushed home . But, my legs slipped due to the slippery rocks we passed, lucky Tommy stood behind me and spontaneously grabbed my body that was about to fall . Our eyes met, and at once my heart was pounding. His stern face affirmed his handsome face making me slightly wobbly, but then I tried to shake off that feeling, and again stood firm.

"Sorry,"

"It's okay. Careful, Di. Here's his hand let it never fall again." His hand grabbed my right hand, I inevitably had to accept that my body was balanced through these slippery rocks.

After arriving at my house, Tommy was saying goodbye because the day was getting dark.

Mom surprised me at the door, and teased me that almost every day always went with Tommy. I tried to explain that I was just driving her around the village . But I'm just so cool that I really fit in with Tommy and remind him not to waste people like Tommy.

I just agreed and rushed to the bathroom to clean myself up .

After completing the prayer routine, I leaned back on my comfortable mattress, and took a laptop to finish some writing on my personal blog. Well, lately I've been writing this online diary to fill my time and of course to pour out my heart that I can't just tell people . This is the only online diary I trust .

Suddenly, Mom knocked on my door and took me to the night market, which rarely stopped by my village. The market tonight is not always there, only at certain times, one of which is now . In addition to children's snacks and good food, many also sell clothes, children's toys, all home needs and fun child games. One of them is kora-kora, comedy swivel and many more. Dad was busy checking out his student's repetition, so mom took me in. Because the crowd of the night market is too dear if missed. Makes me remember my childhood, playing with friends my age and willing to open a piggy bank to be able to ride many rides.

But when I met other mothers, she left me and went somewhere with them . Lucky I'm a big boy so I won't get lost, but still how can I be left to walk alone like this?

Suddenly someone patted me on the shoulder slowly and made me turn my head, it turns out Tommy. We met again and ended up walking together enjoying the night market and seeing the . Several times Tommy played the game and made him win and get the funny dolls and toys, and given to me of course.

We also laughed a lot and enjoyed the exciting night market.

No time starts near midnight. Tommy took me home and when he got home, Tommy gave me something.

"It's not expensive, especially good, I just want you to keep this for me. So, if you miss and I don't exist, you can see this and inget me" he said, holding out a wooden music box. Very funny and the music when I open the box is quite melodious .

"Thank you, Tom. You can always make me laugh and smile." I said thank you and received the music box.

"Yes, Di. Hopefully I can't just make you smile but also make you move on from your past and .. " said Tommy stopped because I cut.

"Tom, please." I said a little stress about the past and the wounds that have not healed .

"Father, Tom. But, please and sorry that I can only make you wait without certainty. But it's not that easy, Tom ... "

"Yes, I get it. Sorry, you're not angry, are you?"

I answered him with a sluggish trench.And I also wanted to enter the house because it was not nice if too long chatting with men in front of the house like this. And asked him to go home carefully. We also separated again.

But I really can't stop thinking about what Tommy said earlier . Honestly, this heart is quite shaky when it comes to knowing so patiently that he is waiting for this selfish me . I looked back at the music box .

Had it been, if only my heart had not been this sick, it might have been easy for this self to accept it, but it was not on my side to taste back the joy of her falling in love .

***

Early in the morning Ayu, my uncle's daughter and cousin came to my house and looked for me. The Middle School girl conveyed her father's mandate to ask me to accompany Tommy to deliver some of their ducks that were ordered by customers.

My uncle had to accompany his daughter Ayu to sign up for the boarding school, while the mang Ujang who used to deliver cattle orders was sick. And this is my uncle's business with Tommy, so inevitably Tommy has to deliver it but because Tommy's new guy doesn't know his place and I'm asked to drop him off. Because the duck order is quite a lot and the place is quite far so it must be delivered immediately. I agreed and rushed .

A black pick-up car was waiting for me with the driver, Tommy.

We also rushed to deliver the order .

After successfully delivering the order, Tommy invited me to lunch first.

After lunch we went back home. Along the way, there was not much we talked about, other than the streets and the beautiful scenery we passed. Before going home, Tommy asked me to go back to the river yesterday for a short break, which we happened to pass before the way home.

Because there is no other business, I will .

Arriving at the river, Tommy just undressed his boss and scattered himself, without warning. I don't know, maybe he wants to feel the fresh water of the river because the day is quite hot this afternoon.

After swimming, he sat right next to me.

"Sorry yes, Di. If you are upset again, you like to vent it with swimming. You don't mind if I stay here for a minute?"

I just nodded while smiling thinly in response.

"You know what, Di. I'm actually a typical impatient person, but just like you I'm patient . An angry and arrogant person, but like you, I always try to hold back my anger. Many good things that I get when I know you, even I never think that if you suddenly disappear and leave, can I still hold everything?" His words in making me stiff and confused to hear it.

"You deserve to be happy, Diandra. And I am the one who hopes the most to be the one who can give you that happiness. I see, your heart is still difficult to accept me because there is an unfinished wound, but please allow me to be a bandage for your wound, even if the wound does not heal perfectly . But I want to be a strong bandage for you." Now his gaze was strong looking at me confidently.

My heart began to waver and something inside there rumbled against me . We were just staring at each other with different but equally strong meaningful gazes.

Slowly but surely our faces approached each other, and our noses met. I don't know what I was thinking back then, I just wanted to let go of the turbulent rumble in my heart that was getting stronger . Our lips meet each other, touch and link up in a few moments, my tears just dripping down. Her wet lips were getting stronger and stronger to my petite and mute lips, the stronger the more it made me fall asleep forgetting for a moment my pain, and .. The shadow of Juna's shady smile face suddenly appeared and looked at me pilarly. It made me spontaneously push Tommy hard enough and made him startle and wake up.

My cry broke, how could I not even hold back my lust and the shadow of that face just came, like it always held me back from forgetting it.

"Sorry, Di. I'm .. sorry," He said with remorse for not being able to resist his lust .

Trying to rearrange my heart and wipe away my tears, I got back up and brought Tommy back home and asked him to forget what just happened. Although it may not be easy to forget, because it was the first time I had my first kiss.

Along the way, only silence filled the distance between me and Tommy. I still feel guilty about myself being stupid. Still can't forget my first love but give another man my first kiss.

So stupid and naive of her self. Until I get tired I just want to disappear.

Ever since that incident, I still haven't been able to reorganize my heart properly. I'm like digging myself a death hole . Want to keep waiting, but instead receive another helping hand. The selfish man is me. And the culprit is my easily wavering heart.

***

"Dear, give me a way out of this endless dilemma, I'm tired."

Diandra princess .