Ustadz Heart Conditioning
Guilt in the Heart

Rain is pouring down the earth.

Dira had just sat quietly with both legs bent looking out the window. Staring at the raindrops that fell from the cracks of his bedroom window. Nature seemed to understand her feeling of sadness.

Dira still can not forget Mas Galih just like that, considering how Mas Galih who survived in the middle of the forest and always thought about it made the guilt in Dira's heart even more sticking out.

Dira rubbed his tears that just dripped.

A sense of tightness in his chest, sadness and regret swirled in his mind.

Ustad Sidiq who had noticed Dira had not been able to remain silent.

"Deek"

Ustad Sidiq approached Dira and sat down next to her.

While Dira just silently refused to answer or look towards the husband.

"Adek knows. God is all good. Allah will not test his servant beyond the limits of his own ability"

Ustad Sidiq softly stared at Dira.

"This is not a test. It's Dira's fault that can't wait for Mas Galih and marry Mas"

Sahut Dira without looking at Ustad Sidiq.

"Astagfirullahal. Adek knows no, God will not unite two people without a clear cause. Everything that happens in this world is certainly the provision that has been written in Lauhul mahfudz.

Adek must remember, no matter how much love is maintained, if indeed God has not allowed and willed, the relationship will not arrive at marriage.

On the contrary, when a man has been written in union with one name, no matter how much of an obstacle he must cross, he will remain united in the bond of marriage"

"But Dira love Mas Galih is not the same Mas"

'Astagfirullahal adzim'

Ustad Sidiq continued to be privileged in his heart. Ask for strength and calmness of heart to face Dira.

"Remember the Deck of Surah Al Baqarah verse 216 which means :

You may hate something when it is very good for you, you may like something even though it is very bad for you. God knows, and you do not know."

Say Ustad Sidiq with eyes that have begun to glaze over.

The voice of the Ashar Adhan who reverberated from the mosque toa not far from their home made Ustad Sidiq aware to immediately take ablution and rush to the house of God to perform the obligatory worship.

Ustad Sidiq from the mosque. He found Dira who was sleeping in a sitting position like that, maybe tired of crying.

With full softness Ustad Sidiq justifies Dira's sleeping position and covers it.

Then go down to the kitchen to cook dinner.

The aroma of cooking that poured out to the corner of the house woke Dira from her sleep. Dira turned his head towards the clock hanging on the wall already at half six in the afternoon. Dira got up and walked to the bathroom to clean himself up.

Dira pecks herself in front of the mirror.

By using knee-length pants and oversized T-shirts, actually not great but indeed the model like that. Dira patted the powder on his face and washed his strung hair. That's how Dira is at home. Ustad Sidiq does not prohibit how to wear it only if there are Dira guests must immediately replace it with clothes that are covered.

Dira came down, staring at the back of her husband who was stirring the cooking in the pot. From the smell of fresh can be guessed if it is sop.

"Mas"

Said Dira slowly.

"Yes Dek, it's awake. Come here taste the cuisine"

Say Ustad Sidiq gently.

Slowly, Dira walked towards the dining table.

"Dec, how come daydream? Let's taste Mas's cooking. Aaaa open her mouth"

Ustad Sidiq said again with a gentle smile.

"Mas, let Dira alone"

Said Dira snatch the spoon from the hands of Ustad Sidiq.

"Where does Dek feel? Not delicious?"

Ustad Sidiq said, arranging Dira with a smile that does not fade from his lips.

"Enak Mas's. You're not eating?"

Said Dira.

"Yes Deck. This is going to eat too"

Slowly take a plate and fill it with rice.

Dira pensively momentarily pondered his words earlier. Where the husband is still being kind and serving Dira very well.

'It's really mean to say that but he wasn't angry and kept a good eye on me'

"Mas"

He stared at Ustad Sidiq.

"Yes deck?"

"I'm sorry Dira about that"

Said Dira timidly looking at the husband.

"Yes Deck is okay. Continue eating it again"

Ustad Sidiq said, again feeding his mouth.

It feels really tight in the chest when you recall the words of Dira earlier.

But soon Ustad Sidiq took the privilege of reassuring his heart and mind.

Silence again enveloped the two of them, only the sound of spoons and forks clashing with plates was heard clearly.

Until they finished eating and Dira looked at Ustad Sidiq who was washing his dirty dishes. A little embarrassed because since they married and moved to a new house Dira never once did the housework of the husband who always did it and served him well.

Until night comes back.

Dira was a little uncomfortable.

Usually the husband will always hug him when going to sleep but now he turned his back on Dira.

But Dira quickly dispelled the feeling and turned his back to Ustad Sidiq and immediately closed his eyes.

As usual every three o'clock in the morning Ustad Sidiq woke up and performed Tahajut sunna prayers solemnly, reciting to Allah and praying for his forgiveness.

This time Ustad Sidiq was no longer able to hold tightness in his chest, until he cried sobbing to express all tastes to the Creator who was able to flip the heart of man. Pray that he can always be clear-minded so as not to be wrong when he has to make a decision and ask God so that his wife can open her heart to him.

Finished doing the evening prayer Ustad Sidiq went back into the room. Staring at his wife who was in deep sleep and re-energized himself by looking at the wife gently rubbed his face and began to close his eyes after reading the prayer before going to bed.

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Hadith of Prophet Muhammad SAW from Imam Thabrani of Abu Umamah mentions,

"The Prophet said (teaching) someone. Say, O God, I ask Thee a soul that is at ease with Thee, that is sure to meet Thee, that is pleased with Thy decree, and that feels sufficient with Thy gift.'"

Thus, we can also read the prayer so that the heart is calm as follows :

Allahumma inni as-aluka nafsan bika muthma-innah, tu’minu biliqo-ika wa tardho bi qodho-ika wataqna’u bi ’atho-ika.

Meaning:

"O Allah, I ask You for a soul that is at ease with You, that is sure to meet You, that is pleased with Your resolve, and that feels sufficient with Your gift."