Towards Day H
Late December Notes

...We're done, but forgetting you is this easy....

A slightly sunny morning since days of rain. As if he knew the dimness of my heart after you decided to leave. There's no rainbow. Though usually will appear color color that cools the eyes after cloudy eroded rain. Same with my heart that there are no flowers after last night. In the middle of the drizzle that should make us warm to each other, you asked to end. You need to know, your words are like bullets whipped from a rifle at high speed. Pas got a heartburn. It hurts so bad.

"Have we done any luck?"

you said it was short and felt light-lipped.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why should I be the one you left behind. It's not like we've agreed to keep going."

"It's a different situation."

"You are different."

I'm silent. Your face is white shining in the light of the restaurant that is deliberately in the romantic design. You and I should be happy. Sitting alone at a corner table directly facing the highway. On the streets drizzle still do not want to stop dating the earth. The restaurant is not so crowded either. So it fits perfectly with me. It was as if everything had been set up so well to dramatize the events of that night.

"You never know in my position. Weight. I have to pursue all the goals in my life. Must. And twenty-four hours is less for me."

"I mean I'm gonna be a career barrier to you?"

"Udah deh. You will not understand."

Your voice is a little high. I was shocked when you were overpowered by the other side of you and spoke so in front of me.

"Yes. I could never understand your way of thinking. You're too ambush."

"It's good that I'm ambitious to have the spirit of life."

"So you think I'm weak? don't have a clear purpose?"

"That's it. Why is it going everywhere?"

"Yes you extend. A lot of drama."

You just left. Breaking through the still carefree drizzle that soaked the earth. I want to get angry. Wanting to slam all the things in there but the cynical gazes of the servants kept me quiet. Silence with a flushed face restrained the vexation. It's that easy to end a relationship that has been established for almost seven months. In a public place with a large audience. Can't we just talk to each other in a more comfortable place?

...If given the chance to live once more, I wish I had never met you on my travel list. ...

Seven months that made me quite happy. Given our accidental meeting at the bookstore and continued small talk that made me more comfortable. I do have to go back and forth almost three times a week to visit the perpus. Looking for the right reference for my research material. Difficult times at the same time make kangen if remembered. And at the very end of the line, in the left corner I was captivated by a pair of bluish eyes that were very observant to observe the sentences in the book he read. Whether I get a push from where, my footsteps just swayed to approach you and ask to get acquainted. You're very nice, friendly and have a dimpled lens that makes me never get tired of staring at you.

You love reading books and so do I. You like to see the beauty of twilight but very anti-photographed with twilight background. You say twilight is one of God's graces to be enjoyed. And taking photos with him will only make us unfair for the days to come.

"meaning? Not that people like to take pictures with twilight. She said it was beautiful and then posted it on their social media."

I'm confused. One afternoon a few months ago I accompanied you to see the twilight.

"Because it's so beautiful I don't want to take pictures. Tomorrow we will see it."

Reply lightly.

"Are you sure tomorrow there's still the same twilight and see it with the same person?"

You nodded for sure. That's when my heart was convinced and coveted with you. I believe you're part of the twilight incarnate human to make my life colorful. I was expecting too much from you.

...I thought you were the end of the story, ...

...in fact you are the one who makes the most wounds. ...

This year is covered by a haze of grief for me. December brought me back to my senses from the abyss of disappointment. Not always what we think is good will give us happiness. And not always heartache can kill slowly. There really isn't a need for a long conversation you chose to leave. Without a hug or just a smile.

Parting is painful. And I hate him. Without me knowing the more I hate the more things repeat themselves. You chose to destroy my hope. I have a lot of time to prepare for you next year. There are many plans that we will make. In the end who carved the wound will be washed away in the patter of tears later.

"Why should we love the wound while it continues to torment me without asking?"

"Can't we hate him so much? why remain silent and not fight. While there he launched an attack to numb our hearts and breaths? what's for?"

...I have strengthened myself enough in this last month with the words, "I'm fine" and "All will be beautiful in due time."...